The Hidden Truth
by JediKaren
Summary: Set during Luke's academy on Yavin 4.  It is about a young woman who comes to train as Jedi and to fight her abusive past.


Ch1

I stared up. I was staring at a huge building, well more like temple. In fact, I was actually staring at the Jedi temple. It was big, bigger than big. My experiences in the dorms, in my home and the houses of friends taught me to never to look up and expect to see more. Rooms were always small. Houses were rarely taller than trees. I felt so small, so little, so unimportant, so new.

I had been chosen to be here. I had been through so much to be here. I have been through so much pain, fear, anger, work to be here and yet that building suddenly made me want to go back to my simple home and life. There was no backing out now. I could only go forward.

A woman, a tall woman who held herself straight with no nonsense, the presence of the Jedi I always dreamed of. The sight of her made me straighten up, trying to get rid of any evidence that show my nervousness. I was nervous alright, if not ready to run back to the ship. My hands were sweaty, making it hard to hold onto my luggage. My legs felt a bit weak with my stomach have decided never to eat again. The heat of the tropical forest did not help my face look anywhere near calm. I hated this. I could not control myself. I was showing, unwilling, all my weakness and I had only taken a few steps. If the sight of just one Jedi could do all that, how could I survive a class of 20?

The woman bowed to her waist, straighten up and looked at me. I paused in all thoughts, in all emotions, not sure what to do. Yes, the Jedi way was to bow back, but I had never been raised to do so, and even at the risk of appearing rude, I was too uncomfortable to bow back. I could not uncling to my old manners and ideas of the world to fully accept the Jedi way. I wondered how much of these little cultural problems would they, the Jedi, ignore before I was told off.

The woman, to my relief, showed no sign of being offended, perhaps I was not the first to failed to bow back? She welcomed me and told me to follow her. We went into the temple, which brought on a rush of confusion and fear. Once I entered this place, it felt like I was now trapped here. There was no way of returning to a life I once knew. I would have to deal with the ever present and truly let go of the past...perhaps that is why I was sent here. Maybe this place would be my last stop for healing the damage of too many years of abuse did to me.

The Jedi, of course, were completely unaware of my past. They knew, on paper I had been at college. I lived with my parents. I was 21 years old. I had no idea what the age limit was, but I was willing to bet money I was one of the oldest apprentices there.

What the Jedi didn't know was my education in the Jedi way. I had been to sites, I was managing a site. I had 8 years of practice with the Force and over a year of serious, deep study in the way of the Jedi path. I hadn't told them because I wanted to start new. I wanted to see what my crazy training had skipped, what lessons had I not been exposed to, what exercises had I not tried. I wanted to start slow, to learn the right way, and to eventually show my secret and only then advance to my proper level. I knew this would test my will, my patience and my endurance to go through this plan. I knew I would have to hold back and restrain my skill at the Force. That would be hard to do. It meant I could not touch the Force or use it for any reason. I would have to refine my skill at feeling and controlling at little as the Force as I could. This would not be an easy task.

As I went through the doors of the temple, as these thoughts enter and left my brain, I knew I had already become someone else. Who that was, was left unclear, for the future was hard to read at the best. The Force rarely told you want you wanted to know, in a way you could understand, at the time you wanted to know.

Ch2

In the past of going to different schools, I've come to notice that during the first few days the schools always seem to be impossibly hard to navigate through. The halls don't seem to make sense, the rooms seem foreign, and the map is less than helpful. Even when I am given a tour of the place, do I still get hopelessly lost among the maze of hallways. What is stranger, but still terribly unfair, is how a week later the whole place makes so much sense and I am completely confused on how I got so lost. This temple was no different.

This place was just as grand as the appearance of the outside. The stones were smooth to increase the feeling of peace and calm of the Force. The pillars were tall, round, and mighty like the blade of a lightsaber. The rooms were of different sizes, simple and clean like the mind of a Jedi. The whole place spoke of the meaning of the Jedi. There was an everlasting silence that seemed to be an unspoken agreement among the people. There were species and beings of all ages, but all were respected. The young gave life to the bare walls and the old seeped wisdom into the floors. As one walked, they could feel the vast power and could not help, but to be impressed by the strong impression the place gave.

There was no test to be taken. There was no way for them to know I had been a Jedi for eight years. No one thought, no one looked, and they all assumed I knew nothing. They knew of my character, my personality, but they did not know what I knew. I felt surprised, worried, and suspicion. Perhaps it was the way I was taught in school, in college, in all the classes I took, but I thought they would test me with the Force. I though they would ask me to feel the Force, but they never did.

During my tour of the temple, which went on for many hours to navigate the place, I was explained the rules, which I already knew like I knew how to breathe, and the classes I would be taking. Most of the classes, like meditation, and the Force, would be a review for me, but I did not confide them in this. This would be my secret, my surprise, my way to be known and to be respected. The tour ended with the medical office. I had to be checked out. I was checked for normal sickness, shot record, and anything else wrong with me. The trouble was, I didn't have any of the shots that most people had when they were three. What was even worse was, I hated shots, more than I hated my father. This hate came from fear, as I learned when I was thirteen. I feared pain, and to cover my fear, I said I hated it. It's not that I don't know how to breathe out pain, to accept my natural body's way of telling me something sharp was entering my skin, it's just I don't like pain in the first place.

Why must they always take forever to just poke you painfully with something sharp? Is it because they don't want to hurt you and they have to go through a mental process? Or, is it because they just want to test my ability to not show fear? If this was a test, I barely missed the passing mark. Sticky, fear smelling sweat, slowly glided down my forehead, soaked my ponytail, made my hands wet, and just made the whole experience worse. My breathing quickened, my body was slightly shaking, and I knew I looked paler than a ghost. I couldn't control this fear. I tried to breathe, I seriously tried to slowly breathe in all my fear and let it go on the way out. I tried to distract my mind, become conscious of my body actions, and strive for Jedi calm, but I knew all I was doing was trying, not doing.

The needle approached me and I jerked back. I spent a full thirty second scolding myself in the sternest way, bullying myself into staying still. The healer, put a hand on my arm, told me to relax, like that was ever going to happen, and pressed the tip of the thin metal rod into my arm before my thoughts could continue. My brain stopped everything as it screamed bloodily hell that there was needle in my arm. I was counting nano seconds as the fluid left the small contain and was pushed into my body. Then, after a lifetime of pure terrifying torture it was done. It seemed that I had spent all my energy in the reaction of all of this. My body slumped on me, refusing to move, my mind just wishing this never happen and more sweat appeared. The healer, having very much noted all this, told me it wasn't that bad. I was fairly close to cursing her out at this point, but anger did not belong here or should have been felt. Rather than get angry at myself to "freaking" out over a small shot, I should have forced myself to move on, but I wasn't a Jedi in that sense. A short burst of hot steamy temper came for a few moments before the Jedi part of my mind reminded me the people here could feel my emotions. A single, but labored breathe swept that boiling steam away.

My healer reminded me that in a week, another hateful, fear building shot would be needed. I strained to keep a straight, polite face as I thanked her for this reminder. Inwardly, curses filled my mind and dread entered like an evil, powerful drug. The healer notified my tour guide that it would be best if I was walked to my room to rest and let my body deal with the vaccine that was injected into me. Again, into the confusing halls I wondered through, following the invisible wake of the Jedi in front of me. My thoughts wondered to the past events, making me question the reality of me becoming a true Jedi.

Ch3

One would think that it would be logical that I would find peace and a peaceful mind at a peaceful building, yet my dreams defy logic. What I dreamed about could hardly be described as a dream, but more of a bloodcurdling nightmare of my past. Imagine a looming, immense figure with the face of total power telling you that where you are, what you are doing, and who you are is wrong to the last degree. Imagine that you are a slave, in the mind, in the legal system and by the values society has placed on this dark man, to a person you forced against your will to call father. Fear, dread, guilt, and shame slam onto your self esteem like the waves of an almighty angry ocean. You protest, you shout, you cry, you fear, and you rage, but there is nothing you can do. You can not deny your identity, but you can not comply with the wishes of this demon. You are trapped, unable to escape the vicious lashes from the words you feel obligated to suffer listening to. If you can understand the fear that a single man can inflict upon a tormented soul, you can understand the nightmare I had. What is worse then the nightmare is the waking up in the small ball of pitiful fear, unable to come to your senses, and have that memory control your thoughts.

For the second time that day, I was covered in my own, this time cold, shivering to the bone, sweat, but this time I was alone, thank the Force. I was told to take a nap before dinner, so my body could have a chance to deal with the dead cells of a disease. I felt sick to my stomach, but it hardly had to do with the shot. My still healing spirit brought, yet again, a memory of my past during the nap. There was no simple breathing exercise that could cure my deep fright. There were no simple few words that anyone could say that could bring warmth back into my body. I laid there on my cot, rather than a bed, unable to find the courage and strength to get up. I struggled to gain some sort of dignity, to remind myself my father was worlds away, unable to reach me, and yet his past actions had. I had spent well over two years recovering from the damage the abuse had done to me. I had spent hours learning to recognize the influences and the signs of my father's suggestions and commands had on me. All this healing had done so much good to me, but I still fought, still cried, and still feared the darkness within me. I came to the Jedi, to a wonderful temple, to end this nightmare for once and for all.

There was a short, three sharp knock on my door. I quickly pulled my sad self up from the mattress, crossed the room, and tried to figure out how to open the door. There was a panel of three square buttons that I took to be the access to the door. They weren't labeled, but there were red, green, and black. I took the green to mean "open" and pressed it. The door side open, to reveal the presence of my tour guide standing at my door. She bowed again, though only her head dipped down, and I was left standing there, still unable to decide to respect her show of respect. She told me it was time for dinner, or what they called the evening meal. My biological clock said it was two in the morning and food was not needed quite yet. At the same time, I still had fear hanging in the pit of my gut and thought food might very well vanish the twisting feeling, for the time being.

I was lead to the dining hall, letting the simple tan stone walls calm my swirling mind, to a simple square room, full of tables with Jedi sitting, happily and noisily eating their meal, of whatever the brown meat was. The people seemed happy, like they were well accepted and no one thought twice about who they were, if what they were doing was right, or if they were where they belong. I hesitated before looking for a table. A certain shyness came about me. My tour guide gave me a little nudge, pointed a close to the door, but alone table for me to sit at. I was truly thankful she had the grace and the ability to know I didn't want to deal with people yet. She told me to stay seated as she would get my food. I nodded my thanks to her and spent my time studying the room I was in.

So many people mistakenly think I'm terribly shy, which would explain my reasons for being decidedly anti social. These people think I have trouble making friends for some unknown reason. This is hardly true. The reason why I have few friends and spend a great amount of time alone is because I can't stand most people. Put the ability to feel emotions like you feel the breeze and put the ability to read people like a book in a glance together and suddenly you will find most people are dull, boring, and monotonous. They think they are different, they think they are being themselves, but what they fail to realize, what is painful clear to me, is they are simply the reflection of the group. These people lack charm; they lack any interesting, intelligent character that would make my time and energy worth spending. Because they are boring, they tend to annoy me, so I find it is best to stay away from them. For the times that life has forced me to spend more than a few hours with them, I tend to withdraw from them, or simply listen to their repetitious conversations about everyday life while I sigh in boredom. It is not that I think I am smarter than them, or better, but at least I try to think beyond the ordinary. I have no fear in going down a rugged, new path, taking the lead when none will, or letting my thoughts wonder down the idea few have thought. This is why I have no trouble sitting alone in a dim corner, nibbling at some strange meat, studying the crowd before me.

Ch 4

The meal went quickly and I went back to my room to hide, to be alone and to find peace. I had a computer in my room, helping with the feeling of being far away from anything I once knew. There was no internet, slicing away the idea of communicating to my life, to my friends. The computer was so advance that I spend several hours trying to understand it. It so different from anything I knew how to operate, that it took me a full hour to find a word processor. To make it worse, the keyboard was reorganized so the years of touch typing meant nothing now. It was back to slow and painful on my fingers and wrist, hunt and peck. I decided it would be easier to just handwrite my diary, something I was keen on having for my time here.

Several hours later, the lights went out in my room, signaling it was time to go to sleep. This had been explained to me during my tour, but with all the events of the day, I had forgotten. Although I could of stay up and used a glow rod, which turned out to be a big flashlight, I decided it would be best if I got more sleep and got use to the time zone. I took another ten minutes fighting and cursing the computer before I discovered how to turn it off. I settled back down onto my cot. I still feared the nightmare and any other that awaited me in the nights to come. I had to get over this fear. People would question me; try to offer me help, help that I did not want. This was my battle to fight, my war to win. It was my past I must come to terms to. No one could or should help me with this. Besides, it would be showing my weakness, and possibly showing myself to exist of this wonderful place. So, to fight this bout of nightmares, I focused on clearing my mind and letting nothing enter until I fell asleep for a good twelve hours.

I woke up to looking at my watch to realize in horror I had missed my first class. I quickly got up, turning around the room, wondering what to do. I grabbed my hairbrush, made my hurricane like hair into a ponytail and looked around again in panic. The knock, a different one from the last, at the door made me jump in guilt. I stared in confusion again at the control panel, before remembering to press the green button. A girl of short stature, short brown hair, with a slim, half developed body stood at my door. Her young appearance made me guess she was around fourteen and her high pitched voice reinforced that guess.

Her presence was a blessing. A young teenage would not be sent here to tell me off, but be here to help and comfort me in my current state of panic. She smiled at me and my natural reading ability told me she was of the cheerful, hard to get down type, who had no fear about strangers or older people like me. I asked her when and where was my next class, apologizing several times for oversleeping.

"Err..you might want to get dressed", she said.

I looked down to realize I was still in my nightshirt that was extra long and blushed, feeling even worse than before. She gave a small, quick laugh and said she would wait for me to get dressed. I gave her a desperate look which she responded back that there was still time before the next class. I was not to worry, most new people oversleep their first day here, due the strong sensation of peace the temple gave off. That was not greatly comforting, but at least it meant I would not look quite as bad as I thought. I pressed the red button, which closed the door, went to the small chest that contained clothes that had been provided by the temple. I was dressed in a light brown, close fitting pants, a some what loose long sleeve shirt, and dark brown boots made out of light leather that went up a few inches above my ankles. I looked around for anything I may have forgotten. I had practically nothing from home. I truly was starting from scratch.

The girl and I walked in silence as we went through the man, confusing halls. The classroom that we arrived at was of medium size, the walls painted a light sky blue, bringing out even more the sense of peace. There were chairs, made out of type of plastic, or so I thought, that gave some back support, but that was about it. There was nothing else in the room. The people in the room were a different story. The group of students was diverse as possible with species and age, some human looking beings ranging close to my age. Some were busy chatting, some quietly sitting, and some looking as lost as I felt. The young girl stepped into the room, invited me to take a seat and said the master would be here shortly. I gave her a questioning look, wondering why she was here. She acted as if she had been at the temple for some time and would not be in a beginner class.

True to her word, the master came in and instantaneously the class quieted and settled down. I was surprised at the maturity and obedience of the class, but then again my public education has not been the best. The teacher looked around the class, setting eyes upon all, including me, which sent a slight shiver down my back. I noticed that the girl who led me here was sitting in a chair on the end of the front row. Then, then teacher started his discussion about the importance of meditation. Much of what he said was review, something I had read, learned, and practiced, but it was still interesting to listen to. Occasionally he would ask a question for someone in the class to answer, but I was never picked on. I was glad; because it would have ruined my plan of showing I knew nothing about Jedism.

At the end of the lecture, he went into the various methods of meditation and asked us to use a simple one, which consisted of slowly breathing and focusing only on your breath. I knew how to do this almost in my sleep and I was ready to jump right into it, closed my eyes when I stopped myself. Someone who had never done this, would struggle, get distracted, and have problems. I opened my eyes to look around to see if this was true.

"Please keep your eyes closed"

That was a bit startling. I was not expecting to be watched, even if that wasn't logical. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wondered how to make it seem like I was struggling. Maybe I should increase my emotions. Maybe I should fidget. Maybe I should let my thoughts just run.

"Relax, just breathe."

Looks like I already was showing my struggle. I had a flash of anger at myself before I settled down once again and breathed in slowly. My mind grew quiet. I held the breath in and counted to four. I breathed out the stress the day had already brought. I waited a second before breathing in slowly, letting my emotions arise. I let them build for another four seconds and out they went through my body and to the floor as the air left my lungs. I started breathing a bit more smoothly, though keeping the same speed. I became lost in my own inner peace, the silence of my mind, and the stillness around me. I started the feel the familiar warm tingling in the air that told me I was feeling the Force. Programmed warning bells went off as I realized I could not feel the Force. Speaking of bells, there was a soft chiming coming from the distance that told me class had ended.

I waited for the class to wake up and react to the bell. They all patiently looked at the teacher for permission to go. That impressed me to no end. Truly, I have been too many poorly maintained classes with no respect for the teacher. I was not the first or the last to leave. The girl who had previously helped me, offered her help to where ever I wanted to go, but at this point I knew were lunch, known as the midday meal, was. If this was what my classes would be like, it would not be so bad. Perhaps, I could become a Jedi if I stayed here long enough.

Ch5

Lunch was another companionless meal, with this time a bit of loneliness entered my heart. Even if I despise most people, I still have to be around them. I still feel the need, the craving to be accepted, to be loved, to belong. To stand out alone, to be a loner, is a rough, tired path that even a Jedi feels the difficulty. I was tempted to move my tray to a table full of laughing, animated people, but I held back. I did not know anyone of them and I would intrude where I shouldn't. I would have to find the strength within for the right time to make my move.

After lunch, I wondered the endless halls to finally locate my next class. From what I had been told, this class would be about general Jediism. This description didn't tell me much, but got my interest all the same. The classroom was similar to the last one, but this time there were no chairs and the floor was matted with some type of semi hard foam. I was starting to get the idea, the temple did not spend much time decorating classrooms, or hinting what the room may be for. The other difference in the room was the size of the class and the people of the class. I'm not sure how I knew this, perhaps my Force sense told me, but I had a strong feeling I was with the newest of the Jedi students. There was something in the way they nervously stood, the confused, unsure looks on their faces, and the vague topics of the conversations being told. I relaxed a few hairs, knowing whatever happened; I could not do worse than them.

The teacher, or should I say master, came in and once again the room fell silence, all eyes and senses where on the lone man. He had a very soft voice, a quiet demeanor, and flowing moves. He was middle height, lean, muscular, brown eyes with dark brown hair. There was something about him that made me tense up and wants to relax at the same time. I felt a connection to him, and I knew well it was not love of any sort. He seemed to bring out a strong desire in me to give him my full respect. This was a man that showed intelligence and a grace I sorely lacked. He was a man of character, one I would like to dive deeper into his mind. It was all I could do to remind myself I was not suppose to have that ability, and had to drag my mind off that topic.

He invited us to sit down, and only after he started lowering himself to the floor, did the students follow him. This class of students was much unsure of the way things were done and made me feel a bit better about my own insecurity. He started talking about the Jedi way, giving us a taste of the philosophy, the rules, the reasons, and the ideas that centered in the life of a Jedi. He cleared fantasy, myths, and rumors that anyone off the street would have about Jedi. I appreciated him doing this, after spending my time explaining these points to countless people. He gave us warnings and a clear picture of what would come in the future. He mentioned the dark side; bring a sharp pain to my heart. The dark side was a subject I knew all too well, a subject I came here to fight alone. He went on to say how each of us will have to recognize and face down our fears. I was not looking forward to mine, but knew all too well it was coming.

He smoothly changed the dark, depressing topic to one of a lighter side: exercise. Part of our training would become physically in shape. I look a quick look around to notice the fact most of us were overweight and probably could run no faster than I could. I had a second of fear of being made to exercise heavily, showing one of my weaknesses, but that was quickly calm when he said we would just do stretches. I could stretch; in fact I liked to stretch. I have a small bit of pride that I am more flexible than most girls and give me a month of twice a day stretching and I can sit down into splits without any pain. He led us through various stretches that included my arms, back, thighs, calves, and shoulders. He encouraged us to remain calm and to blank out our minds as we moved. The class, at the end, seemed to be surer of themselves, less fearful of their surroundings, and seemed closer to each other. I came to the conclusion these sort of classes is what brings such a sensation of total tranquility and unity.

I headed back to my room, this time not getting as lost as I had been, for a quick shower. I have always loved being around hot water. The spray on my back felt so good and getting the sweat out of my hair from the exercise made me wake up. The day had started out badly, but seemed to be getting better and steadier as time went on. Another soft chime could be heard from an unseen source, telling me it was time for dinner. Dinner was another lonely meal and I felt the need for friendship even more, but I still was not ready to overcome my shyness. My evening was quickly spent by further exploring the strange computer and retiring to bed early.

I had forgotten to clear and calm my mind before I fell asleep. I had forgotten due to the feeling of overconfidence in my good feeling. The day had strengthened the inner part of me, fooling me into thinking I was now immune to the nightmares. A nightmare did occur, ruining my chance for a good sleep, but it was not the same fear filling quality as the last one, but still focused on the terrifying figure of my father had imprinted on my soul.

Ch6

For the second time since I came to the temple, I woke up to find myself curled up in a small, smelly ball of fear. It took me minutes to remember the vague nightmare I dreamt of before. I lay on my mattress for some before looking at a clock to find out I had another hour before I had to get up. There was no point in trying to sleep for an hour full of fear. I little by little crawled out of my blankets and made my way to the bathroom, which they called a refresher. The hot steamy mist of the shower helped clear my mind and think, but the water could not penetrate my shield of fear. This shield of fear was not a new one. It was created out of a self defense program during the years of abuse. It was far from healthy, for the shield let the internal fear grow and fester, while shielding out anything can could calm or heal. I was unaware that this shield had sprung up and would remain that way. Many times we are hardly aware of what the true source of our anxiety because we fear to look at the dark half of our soul.

I made myself get out of my room and walk to the cafeteria for breakfast. I was disappointed with the food I found. It wasn't that the food was bad, or rotten, or cooked wrong, it was just different. I didn't see any cereal; there was no bacon, or orange juice. I never knew if the next bite was going to be a pleasant or nasty surprise. I just wanted something that I could pronounce the name of and knew what it was going to taste like even if I didn't like it. So, once again I was made to take food that I had no idea what was, or really how to eat it, and look for a table.

I was still upset and depressed over the night before and felt the pain of loneness greater still. I gathered my courage and picked a table full of mid teen girls busy talking. I went up to them, tray in hands, and shyly asked if they minded me sitting at their table. One girl, I picked up to be the leader, said that was no problem and returned back to the conversation at hand. Well, it was not the warmest of welcomes, but at least I had not been rejected. I sat the edge of the table, distancing myself from the girls. I was unfortunate to find I had picked the table of the popular kids in the school. It was strange to say that even in a Jedi temple, there were three classes of people.

Think of society as a flock of sheep. You have the loners, the regular crowds of sheep, and the leaders of the sheep. The leaders of the sheep were people that knew they were popular, knew the game of popularity, and had no trouble taking advantage of the other sheep to gain more power and to get want they wanted. Among the sheep, these were people who either knew they were followers of the new trend and wanted to be led or they didn't know and didn't want to find out. Some of the sheep would but heads together in order to become a leader, but they were fooling themselves into thinking they could outsmart the leaders. Then there were the loners, the outcastes of society, who were either thrown out or chose to be alone for personal reasons. From my experience, the Jedi were mostly made up of loners who found themselves unable to fit in due to their stronger connection to the Force. It didn't matter if these Jedi knew about the Force or not, there was always something about their personality that would not let them follow the lead of the corrupt, so they found themselves stranded, alone, and scared.

Apparently, in this temple the leaders of the sheep still existed, along with the despised game of corrupt popularity. I found myself wishing I had picked a deserted table, rather than suffer the boring and pointless conversations of guys, clothing, and gossip of other girls. These girls must have picked up my loner personality, for they did not invite me into their chatter. I made a point to eat my breakfast quickly and get out of there.

I still had time to wonder around the temple grounds before heading off to my first class. The event with the girls had not improved my mood, but increased my dislike for human contact. I knew it was stupid and silly to base the reputation of all students on just one table, but depression and pain makes you think in strange patterns of logic. I found my legs had brought me to my first class of the day, which looked to be exercising judging by the fact there were no chairs in the room. In ten minutes, the rest of the small, overweight class had shown up and two minutes after that a different teacher from the rest showed up. I was privately hoping the teacher, who had shown us the stretches and gave us the lecture on Jediism, would teach again. This teacher turned out to be boring with his monotone voice and uninteresting words. The class sleepily went through the stretches and seemed to lack the enthusiasm we had the day before. Maybe, I was not the only one who had a bad night and so far, a bad day. The class seemed to drag on, but maybe I just wanted it to end so badly, my sense of time was off.

When the class was done, I headed straight back to my room to hide from all. For some time I stared, emotionlessly into space, with no thoughts running through my head, except for visions of the dream. A small level of panic set in, causing me to feel restless, so I started pacing around my room. I settled down to the chair in front of my computer and spent my time that was meant for lunch, learning how to transfer my music I brought from my home to something that could be played on their strange music player. It was not that difficult to do, but I was still adjusting to their technology. An hour later it was time for my meditation class, one I wasn't so sure on with my moodiness. I could only hope this day got better. This depression was starting to really get to me and my control over myself.

Ch7

I was happily surprised to find out that the teacher I liked came to the meditation class. I heard through from the older Jedi, he was called Master Mirmo. I later heard from the students that he was knight, leaving me confused if he was a knight or master. In fact, I knew nothing about him except from what I could pick up and what I overheard. Some of the students had caught on and were already seated on the floor when he came in. Just seeing him cheered me up and made me feel eager for the lesson.

He took a seat with the class and started the lesson. We were taught about the importance of a clear mind. We were taught about how a still mind was very important. He told a short story on how stilling his mind saved him from being detected by a dark Jedi hunting him down. He tied this all to preparation to feeling and using the Force, which got the interest of the class. He knew we were all more than begging to be taught how to feel and access the famous Force, but he reminded us our mind must be in right frame before we could accomplish this feat. We were given a method of how to still and blank out of mind and told to find a place in the room to practice.

I chose the far right corner. I leaned back on the cool wall, closed my eyes, and started breathing. I tried to envision a blackboard with nothing on it. I say tried, because memories of various nightmares kept popping up in my mind. I threw each on out of my head, only to find a new one came up. The shield of fear would not allow any peace to enter and my fear of failing at my task was growing. I tried to take a deep breath and gain order within my head, but it was too late. I took another turn at fighting the fear, but I was obviously losing.

"Karen, open your eyes"

I did so, feeling horribly ashamed of myself. He titled my head up with one finger to meet eyes. I tried to look away, but he held me still. I knew how to do this meditation. I had plenty of practice in the past and there was no excuse for this failure. I wanted to show him I was good at this. I wanted to be the best in the class. I strictly hold myself to that high standard and would except anything less. I wanted to impress him and instead he had to take time out to help me. I should not make him have to do this and him making me look at him made the whole thing worse.

"Don't be ashamed of failure"

I looked at him in shock. How could he known? How could he point it out so clearly and to the point? Had I been thinking, I would have known the answer was the Force.

"It's ok to fail"

That sentence struck my heart and mind, rang clearly as a bell, and made me want to cry. I could not believe him. I desperately, with all my heart, wanted to believe him, to trust those wise, solid words, but I could not. I survived, pushed by myself, got here because I would not accept failure. How could he softly suggest something that was so opposite of my own teachings? How could he expect me to ignore what eight years brought me to know as truth? I looked into his eyes, searching his soul, for the answer.

"Let me help you"

My first reaction was to shun him out, to turn his offer down, and to leave the room. I did not want help. I did not need help. I could and would fight this battle myself. The Jedi part of me knew otherwise and told me so. I would have to get over my high ego and humble myself, should I wish to remain a Jedi. I took a breath, forced my tense body to relax, and to open my mind to him.

He instructed me to close my eyes once again and to let his voice enter me and carry me away. He spoke more softly than before, just barely louder than a whisper. He spoke of peace, of calm, of flowing water. My mind followed these images until I was lead to a spot where nothing existed. I was aware of myself, aware of him, aware of peace and my surroundings, and yet there was nothing. The soft bell pulled me out of this peaceful state. I looked around for him and saw him helping another student. I stared at him for a second before he turned around and glanced at me. I blushed, got up, and quickly headed for the door and to my next class.

My next class was more like a normal classroom with desks and chairs for the students. There were more students than ever before, ranging with all ages. The class acted something closer to the classes at my home. They were noisy, very chatty, and jokes and teases flew all over the place. The students became nosier as it got closer for the teacher to arrive. The teacher came in, and the room instantly became silent. The lesson began. I would like to go into the details of the lesson, but I wasn't paying much attention. I knew it was about the overall history of the Jedi, but the details escape me. My mind was set on pondering Master Mirmo, the nightmare, and the meditation. He had such an effect on me, despite not really knowing why I was so upset. Before I knew it, everyone was starting to leave.

I headed for dinner, now starving for food, no matter what it was. I sat alone, not wanting to repeat the morning's disaster. I could not help, but feel depression sink in again, only this time worse than before. I slowly made my way back to my small, confiding room. I was bored. The computer was still a mystery to me and I wasn't in the mood to try to understand it. I lay on my cot, trying to understand how I got to be in such a miserable state. I feared I could never get out of my depression and would be kicked out and sent back to my dark home. That was the last thought I had before I fell asleep.

Ch8

The darkness was suffocating me. Everything about my home was wrong, so wrong. My cats looked thin, mistreated, and in pain. The house was so clean and so dim. The lights were out. My room had been completely changed with my stuff thrown out. The house felt like something in it had died. The yard was slowly falling apart. My mom laid on the floor, thoroughly drunk, crying out words that did not make sense. My father was on the couch, somehow managing to block out the insane pleads of my mother. I went to my father, begging him to change. He would not look at me. I was so scared of him. I begged him to help my mother, but he seemed to stubbornly keep reading the newspaper. I screamed at him, with tears running down my cheeks. He finally turned his head in my direction, but would not meet eyes. He said there was no one there that he knew. He disowned me. He was ashamed of me. I was thrown out of the family. I said this wasn't fair! I had to go to the temple. It was the only chance of a future for me. There was a moment of awful silence. Then, out of no where, he stood up and slapped me hard across the face. I was too stunned to react. He screamed at me, something I couldn't make out. He smacked me harder, leaving a mark on my face. I was shaking so bad, I could barely stand. He screamed, no words, just pure, horrible sound. It was a scream of disgust, of pure hate, of pure evil. In the background, my cats pitifully mewed in fear and my mom ranted away. He raised his hand again, this time; I knew he would kill me…

I woke up panting, my heart racing, and my body shaking just like in the dream. The fear was so intense it nearly drove me crazy. I was itching to get out of my room, to feel, to breathe and to have some space around me. I grabbed my music player and half ran out into the hall. I took a deep breath and regain some sense. I needed a place to be alone, alone with my music. I thought for a moment and decided to head for the top floor, to a big room with long, tall windows.

When I got there, I found a small table to place my player on. I took another deep breath and wiped the sweat off my face. It was a warm night. I started off with slow soft songs in the hopes of quieting my spirit, but my fearful mood lead me to darker songs to the last two darkness songs I knew. I danced them, full of emotion, letting the emotion guide and control my body.

_Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again_

Everyone was clueless to my mood, to what was inside of me. Everyone left me, and seemed not what to have anything to do with me.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

I knew my emotions where a mess. I knew I was mentally confused, caused by my fear.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_

I honestly didn't know why I felt this why. I don't know what brought on these nightmares. I wanted to end them. I want to be ok again.

_Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I had no options left again_

I was alone in my pain. I was silently screaming and yet no one heard me. I could turn to no one..

_I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends_

My father blamed me. I was always to blame. I could not, would not fight him. I had no right to. This truly was all my fault. The song ended and went on the next, the most darkest, but truest of them.

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)_

I was sick of my father! All he ever tried to do was control everything I thought, felt, and did. I could never meet his expectations. Anything I did on my own, for myself, was wrong in his mind.

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

My father wore me down. He was constantly telling me what I had done wrong, making me redo it. He turned me into his personal servant, which he treated so poorly, without respect. 

_Can't you see that you're smothering me  
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control  
Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
And every second I waste is more than I can take_

His control was so complete; it gave me no room to move, to be myself. I had no freedom, no rights. I was treated like a child, when I was clearly much more mature.

_And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you_

I could fail at being a Jedi. I could be sent back. I could become my father, who had been abused by his mother, although he seemed unconscious of that.

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be_

The emotions I was feeling where overwhelming. My moves of my dance had an eerie flow to them. I hit all the right beats. When the song ended, I was so still; one had to wonder if I was breathing. I waited several seconds after the song had ended to move again. I went over to the window, being utterly silent for a moment before I opened up my bursting heart and sobbed. My cry was the howl that broke the glass silence around me. My heart poured out every held back, bitten back thought and feeling. I would have cried for hours on end. I was badly startled when a hand touched my shoulder. I stopped crying and spun around to look at who was there.

Master Mirmo looked at me with caring, compassionate eyes. A second of silence went by as I stood there, tears coursing down my cheeks, unable to get myself to run out of the room. He put the hand around my back and pulled my face his chest. I cried, not quite as hard, on him. My shoulders shook with my racking sobs. He gave me the appropriate amount of time to shed tears and then shushed me until I was quiet. I pulled away from his touch, looking down at the ground and asked how long had he been there.

"Long enough to see you are in pain"

I continued to stare at the ground, not sure what to say. He was seeing me at my absolute worse. There was no point in wanting to impress him ever again. He saw that I was too emotional, too weak, too scared. He had to have seen I was no Jedi and never would be. He would inform the council of my instability and that would be the end of that.

"Follow me"

There was no option, but to follow him. We went to an unfamiliar hallway and stopped at one door. The door opened and showed me it was his bedroom. It was very much like mine, only he had a bed, meaning the wooden framework and not just a mattress. There was a computer looking like mine. The main difference between his room and mine is he had small objects around the room, adding a personal touch. He guided with a hand on my shoulder, to the bed and sat next to me. I didn't say anything, not trusting my voice.

"Tell me who did this to you"

I didn't ask how he guessed. I didn't waste time in answering it was my father and that was all I gave. I was in too much pain to explain more.

"You had another nightmare of your father harming you, didn't you?"

I nodded, refusing to go play that dream again. Instead, I asked how he found me. He explained that the other teacher that day noted my stress and my distraction to him. He knew the signs of an upset young adult. He had woken up, thinking of me, wondering if I was alright. He was restless, so took a walk and heard the start of the first song. He quietly slipped into the room and hid in the shadows, watching me. He stopped there because there was a knock at the door. Master Mirmo got up from the bed and accessed the door. The tour guide woman stood there, peering into the room, looking a bit surprised with her eyes when she saw me. Mirmo noticed this and covered for me.

"She's just a bit homesick"

Homesick? How could I possibly want to go back to that nightmare of a family? The woman wanted to ask a favor, but she decided she would come back later. When she was gone, Mirmo came back to the bed. He said he would not make me talk tonight, but he asked that I went back to bed. I refused to; I didn't want to return to more nightmares. He paused and told me to lie down on his bed. I gave him a questioning look, but did as asked. He had me closed my eyes and picture a clear, calm lake. I knew where this was going. I had been through this before. He asked me to envision a floatation device, but I was already on the step after that. I felt the warm sunlight softly cover my skin like a warm blanket. The slow breeze brought a fresh, sweet smell to my nose, calming my senses. The gentle lap of the water coached my tired body and mind to much deserved restful sleep.

Ch9

The bed was comfortable; the blankets were soft and warm. The sleep was peaceful and healing. A hand touched my right shoulder and gently shook me awake. At first, I didn't open my eyes, but wondered where I was. I knew this was not my bed, nor my room. I wondered if I was at home and if there was a cat on my bed, something was too different for that to be true. I felt different. The air felt different. The room did not give off the same feeling as the one at home. At home, I would have been woken up with a voice, not a touch. I opened my eyes to see a wall. The wall confused me. I was no at home, nor at my room in the temple. I turned over and looked at the rest of room and only at the sight of Master Mirmo, did I recognize where I was.

I shifted my body so I was flat on my back. I felt calm, like I had spent the night meditating with him guiding me. My body was relaxed and felt well rested. My mind was clear and simple in thoughts. It was his presence that forced me to remember why I was here and what happened the night before. The memory brought a blush to my face. I had lost all self control after allowing my emotions build up to a breaking point. He had to once again, come and rescue me from my own dark down fall. My mind told be I shouldn't be here, but my body thought otherwise.

"Come, it is time for you to get up"

A sigh escaped my mouth as I got up from the ever so comfy bed. There was no need to get dressed for I slept in my clothes. I asked where the bathroom was and got a strange look for a reply. I realized I was using the wrong term, and asked again, using the word refresher. He pointed to the other door near the dark, wooden desk with computer. When I was done relieving myself and splashing water on my face to wake up, I came out to study the room some more. Aside from the personal objects, there was nothing else to describe. The Jedi did not waste money on decorating the rooms. I turned my attention on him, seeing what I could consciously pick from him, not caring if he noticed or not. He must have been shielding his thoughts and inner self, because all I got was his calm, but cheerful mood. He seemed to only show a bit more personality when out of class. I thought this might be a good time to ask a question I thought a lot about. I didn't know if this would come out as rude, or blunt, but I was dying to know the answer. I gathered my courage and nerves and asked him if he was a knight or a master.

"I am a knight"

Oh. That was all I could think of. Did that mean he had an apprentice? Did that mean he would want a student? Would he want me? I shook my head. There was no point in going down this path of a possible future with him. There were a lot better choices than me. Plus, he was a knight. He had to be busy, too busy to really notice me. I was somewhat hurt by this thought, but accepted it. I said a quiet good bye, left the room, and went for breakfast.

The day went slowly, but calmly. The stretching class was turning more into a light exercise class. The meditation class went better than the last time, but my heart wasn't really in it. I didn't know why, but I was hurt by the idea Master Mirmo wasn't interested in taking me as an apprentice. I struggled with the concept it really was my fault. I was the one who lost control. I was the one who allowed my emotions to flare to that point. I must have annoyed or disappointed him, making him look after a grown woman.

Dinner had gone better then usual. I picked a table with only one girl sitting there, with her plate empty, reading something. She was so into whatever she was reading, she hardly noticed me sit down. We didn't talk, but that didn't bother me. At lease I didn't seem so alone, like something was wrong with me. I didn't stick out anymore.

After dinner, I grabbed my music player, and went searching for a room where I could get lost in the sound, the beat, and the feeling of my music. I came across a room that had a certain right feeling to it. The strange thing was, the room must have been some sort of training room, for there were wooden blocks all over the floor, scattered in no particular pattern. I came in, turned on the light, set my player down, and looked at the blocks. At the center of the room there was a small clear space. The space was no bigger then what I was use to dancing in. This would do just nicely.

I turned on the music, went to the cleared spot, straighten up, looked up at the wall, and began to dance. I could unconsciously match the beat of the music and change footwork, so I never repeated a move, unless I had a good reason for it. That last part was something that took me six months to learn and to perfect. I used my arms and different levels as I danced. I made myself travel around that area, not just stand in one spot. Because I wasn't looking at the floor, brought with years of training in a messy, small room, I had to rely on my ability to be aware of where things were on the floor. I had to listen to Force warnings that told me to stop right then. I learned to feel the Force, to feel the area around me, to be consciously looking through the Force for objects and their distance from me. A solid feeling near my feet told me I was too close to a block and I danced away. I was happy with myself for once. I was doing something right, living up to my standards. I was also being myself, not hiding a secret I longed to reveal. I was right in my prediction that keeping a secret from the Jedi was hard to do.

I had just finished a fast, fun song that truly challenged my ability to sense objects as I flew across the room, never stopping. A voice from behind me said:

"That's very good. Who taught you that?"

I spun around and saw Master Mirmo standing there. Oh no! Panic raced through me.

He saw me dance. He saw me avoid time after time, those blocks. He must have felt me use the Force. What could I say? My secret, my plan was ruined.

Ch10

I looked at him, fighting to keep a confused look on my face. I asked what was that.

"The way you danced"

I drew on my four years of theatre acts to act perplexed. I told him it was nothing special, anyone could have done that if they could tap to a beat. I was being extremely careful to edge away from mentioning anything that would imply my show of the Force.

"You avoided the blocks and you never looked down."

It was not a question or in comment. I knew Master Mirmo was trying to corner me into admitting the truth. I was not about to give up this fight so easily. I shrugged and told him I didn't know. I must have memorized where the blocks were. He was hardly convinced by the expression on his face.

"Turn around"

I turned around and looked at the wall before me. I could hear him push the blocks with his feet. He told me to turn around. I saw the blocks had been rearranged, changing the outline of the cleared space. He had also put a block in the middle of the space, which would force me to look out for it.

"Now dance and do not look down"

He played the same, fast song. I tapped my feet to the introduction of the song, expanding my awareness. I looked up at the wall and went into a certain mood I have to be in. I felt the Force enter me, for this was an automatic response I had spent years ingraining into me. Whenever in the past I could not see due to dim or not light, or not allowed to look, I opened myself up to the Force and searched the space for dangers. I began to move, to slightly jump on the floor. I hit something with my foot and looked down. I had honestly messed up and hit the block behind me. I was about to get anger with myself, but I stopped. I would lose my connection to the Force. It was ok to mess up. I was trying to fake my way out of this tight corner. While I didn't want to use the Force, I couldn't stand not to the use the Force when doing this. The dance turned into a struggle, an argument within myself. Strangely, I managed to avoid all the blocks.

"How did you know where the blocks were?"

Oh grrr! I wanted to growl and glare at him so badly. He would not let this pass. I said I didn't know how, I just sort of knew.

"You felt them when you came close to one, didn't you?"

I said nothing. I could no lie, nor tell the truth. I couldn't think of a good way to get around his question. I looked away from him, at the ground. My silence spoke for me. I felt the Force, a powerful wave of pure energy that did not from come me, but from him. The wave hit me hard, like a real wave from an ocean, across my chest and head. The Force was so strong, so startling, that I looked up, my eyes wide with shock with the realization of his power, my mouth slightly open with awe. The truth had been forced out of me.

"You have been trained in the ways of the Force by others, have not you?"

I nodded, returning my bashful glaze to the ground. My secret was gone, ruined, found out. This would only hurt my reputation. I would be kicked out for lying and holding back information. I hated the fact he was here. I hated him for finding this truth out. I just wanted to be left alone.

"Why did you keep this a secret?"

I looked up at him, full of emotion, full of meaning. I told him I wanted to. I wanted to start from the beginning. I wanted to see if I could learn something new. I did not tell him that I wanted to see what my sporadic training left out. That would give too much away about myself. Besides, he should have no interest in me, so the left out information didn't matter.

"Keep dancing your dance, young Jedi. I will see you in class"

With that, he turned around and left the room, leaving me standing, baffled. I gathered my stuff and hurried out of the room, to my bedroom. I spent the evening writing in my diary, drawing imagines I had seen in my small adventures outside of the temple. I got lost in my drawing, letting my thoughts wonder wherever they wanted to go. The ball was in his corner. I had no idea what he would do. That bothered me to no end. I could no control this. I could no prepare for whatever he might do. I didn't know what he was thinking or feeling. I was helpless and I didn't like it. My father had taught me, drilled into me, to do everything I could to gain control, to be ready for the worse. The worse was being sent away from here. That was something I couldn't deal with or handle emotionally. My short time here made me so aware of, well, everything. The classes were so different and yet interesting. The students could never stop to amaze me with their maturity. Here, at the temple, I wanted to learn so much. I have never felt like this before and didn't want to end the feeling. Humans are meant to learn and grow. Here, I could do this. At home, all I was going through was dying. My soul was being ripped apart, sized down to nothingness. I really didn't want to leave.

Ch11

Master Mirmo had not given up learning more of my secret past. He seemed to be stubbornly bent on the idea of my past training. He wanted to know what I could do, what did I know, and how I knew it. For the next three days, he spent more and more time during classes and even outside of classes, seeing what he could surprise out of me.

The next day was an interesting day. There were no different classes, yet it was different. When I walked into the meditation room, I was in for a surprise. The class was buzzing in the Force. They were very chatty. It was only then I remembered what was today's lesson was. We were going to learn how to feel the Force for the time. Everyone seemed to have an idea of what the Force was going to feel like. Some students worried over if they could calm down their mind enough. Some thought they would be able to lift others with the Force as soon as they felt it. When they turned their questions on me about the Force, I shrugged and said we would see what happens. They were not very satisfied with that answer, so they went back to asking and answering the same thing again.

I was not very excited over this class because this would be another review. What made it worse is I had spent three years teaching Force sensitive teenagers on my planet how to feel and use the Force. At this point, I was rather sick of going through the same steps and explaining the same answers over and over. Feeling the Force was no big deal when compared to shielding, or forms of telekinesis. These students would be excited over the Force for about a few weeks before they were ready to curse out their lack of control when the classes got harder. Since I knew all of this by heart, and since only one person knew my secret, I had to pretend that I was somewhat interested to avoid awkward questions. My only worry was could I fake this? Could I fine tune my control so I only felt a tiny bit of the awesome, unlimited energy? I had spent so many years feeling as much of the Force as I could, that I was uncertainly if I could keep myself slipping back into old habits. Well, as I said to the student, I would have to see what happened.

The class, as usual, became quiet, but uncommonly attentive when Master Mirmo walked in. He noted this and smiled. Oh, he knew how excited everyone was. He knew how much we each privately were highly impatient for this day. He began with another talk about the Force and a story to go along with it. I didn't need the Force to tell the class was chomping at the bite to be told how to feel the Force. He finally told us. It was much like the meditation we had been practicing for a week, but this time we were told to discover the Force within us. I mentally shook my head. This was hardly how I taught it and I had a pretty good success rate at getting people to feel the Force. Still, it was a different method, and perhaps he might know what he was talking about.

We went to our normal spot in the room, mine being the right back corner. I waited for the class to settle down and focus within themselves. I turned inwardly, closed my eyes, but did not do anything. I heard Master Mirmo give a word or two of advice to different students, usually the ones who had the hardest time relaxing. I heard his footsteps come closer and slightly tensed. I reached out, but held myself back on purpose. I made a mental shield between me and the energy around me. I could reach out and touch the shield, but I would not feel the Force. This way I could say I was trying, but I couldn't go overboard.

"Let go Karen"

I silently cursed. I had let go! I was calm, at peace, but I did not dare touch the Force. He must have felt my calm. He must have guessed I was holding back. I didn't answer him, in fear of showing anger in my voice. I heard him bend down beside me.

"The Force is within you. You know this. Let it exist. Let it flow."

I made myself relax a hair more. I went from muscle to muscle in my body, willing them to relax and become limp. I still would not touch the Force.

"Drop your shield and you will feel the Force."

Why was he spending so much time with me? Weren't there other students who could not honestly feel the Force and needed him? I was not worth his time. I was just playing games, games of will. Why was he trying to fight my will? Could he not see I wasn't going to feel the Force with him hunching over me? Furthermore, how in the galaxies, did he know I had a shield? It was not a shield made by the Force, but with thought. I hadn't much experience with shields, but I knew this wasn't that easy to sense. He was unnerving me by the second.

It was with that last thought that I felt a strong presence in my mind. I instantly recognized the signature to be his. I felt him touch my mind in a certain place, near the base. Then, suddenly, I felt him destroy my shield within a second. He simply made it disappear like I never made it in the first place. It was shocking how strong he was and the control he had.

"Now feel the Force."

I gave up. I could not win this battle. He made that much clear. I reached out and found the warm, tingling presence of the Force. I fully opened my mind, letting the energy of life and of mass, fill my mind and body. The Force was with me and I knew this to be no joke. I continued to feel the Force for several minutes before I opened my eyes and looked up to find him, still crouched down on his heels.

"Well done. Continue that for the rest of the remaining time."

At least he was nice enough not to lecture me or scold me in front of the class. I knew he would keep an eye on me, making sure I did as told. I sighed and mentally settled back down. I stretched out my senses and once again found the ever so pleasant feeling. I did not reached the same level as before, but simmered in the Force for the class.

This was not the end. The next class I tried the same game, but he would not play. He demanded I do the exact same thing I had done the class before and then pushed me to feel as much of the Force as I could. I didn't appreciate this. I do not take orders that I don't want to obey well. There was no option, no backdoor, no way around it. Master Mirmo seemed to have mastered the ability to corner me and order me around before I had a chance to think. He managed to annoy me even more, by stopping me in the hallway that evening and making me feel the Force for him. I gave him a deep glare, but he would have none of it. During the third day, he challenged me into feeling all the Force in the room, as well as in the students. Some of the advance students gasped slightly as they became aware of my mental touch. When the class ended, I was pounded with questions of what and how I did that. I would not tell them my secret, so I gave extremely vague questions. This did not help my popularity.

The only good outcome of these Force classes is I stopped dreaming. I had no more nightmares and if I dreamed, I could not recall them. I noticed my general mood had improved greatly and more people seemed to want to hang around me or let me still with them during meals. I grew more at easy around people. My acme covered skin had cleared up, I no longer felt dead tired, and the world just seemed brighter and more alive. I wasn't aware of this feeling, but I stopped fighting the peace of the temple. I felt accepted and part of the family spirit. I stopped worrying if I would be kicked out. I stopped thinking of my father and my drawings seemed to improve with quality. My life, for once, was alright.

Ch12

A day later I was woke up to a knock on the door of my room. I was pulled out of a good dream, one that I was highly interested in and did not want it to end without know how the dream would turn out. I sleepily made my way to the door and pressed the green button to access the door. A woman, one I did not recognize, greeted me and handed me a data pad. I took a second to examine the strange piece of technology. I read the word on the small screen and froze. I was to report to the council chamber in an hour.

Later, I found myself sweating like never before. I was shaking, my bones rattling, and unable to keep still. My legs nervously paced my body in a small line back and forth. My mind was mostly frozen in panic, except for the part that was crying and begging me to go back to my room and hide beneath the warm, safe blankets. My hair was a soaked mess and I could imagine what my face looked like. My mouth was dry, but I had no want for water. I tried to breathe, but my chest was constricted by my fear. I could not let go of my desperate, paralyzing fear.

I was terrified of standing before the council. I was out of my mind with fear just standing, near the door to the chamber. What had I done? I had to be in trouble. It must have been Master Mirmo. He told them of my secret. He told them I had hid my past training, I had held back information. I had broken the rules. Why did he do this? What had I done? Was it because I could not feel the Force when he asked me the first time? From what my senses told me, he wasn't that anger over that. I could not understand the logic of this possible option. I tried a different route of reasoning why I was here. Maybe I had done something right. Maybe the council wanted me to do something. Just maybe, I was going to be rewarded. I couldn't explain that either. My mind returned back to the idea of being in trouble. Gosh, I would pay millions to get out this hallway. I could not even realistically think of myself walking through that door to a group of well trained Jedi, who all could read my mind. I hated the idea that Jedi could read me. Yes, I could read them, but I didn't want anyone to be able to do the same with me. I could not create a shield to protect my thoughts for that would have been considered rude and then they would question why I was trying to hide. I could not show them this terror, but I could not get rid of it. Why was I waiting here? Couldn't they just stop terrorizing me and just get this horrible event over with?

The door on the other side of the hall opened. I jumped a foot in pure surprise and agitation. What was he doing here? Master Mirmo walked in, looking calm and cool as he always done. I swear the man is in love with meditation, for he must spend his whole life sitting on some cold hard floor and not thinking. ARG! How could he be so calm when so close to the awe inspiring presence of the council? We made eye contact and I swear he was about to start laughing at me. I want to do something to him, something to wipe that smiling because I'm an emotional mess off his face. I was also angry at him because he must of told the council of all this. He broke the secret, ruined what little trust I had for him. He came up to me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Relax Karen. This is not your death sentence"

He was wasting breath with me. I wasn't going to calm down. I couldn't calm down. I started shaking even worse. Every last bit of nerves and courage fell through.

"Stop shaking and control yourself. There is nothing to fear. Breathe and let go."

I was so desperate to stop being scared that I tried to follow his advice. I took a deep, calming breath, held it, and slowly let it out. I gathered my fear, my panic, with the next breath and tried to send to the floor. A tiniest bit of my gripping dread left, but returned again with the next breath. I took another breath, fighting to urge to look at the time. I was half way done breathing in when the door to the council room side open. My breath quickly left my lungs as my heart just about stopped. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I couldn't go in. I couldn't face what was in there.

"Come Karen. Let's not keep the council waiting."

I still wouldn't move. I couldn't move.

"Karen, this is an order. You must come"

That woke me enough out of my fear to follow him. I went into a mindless, unaware state as I walked into the room. The room was quite simple. There were eight simple chairs in a semi circle, with a Jedi sitting in each on. There were a few high, small windows that gave light and life to the room, but couldn't distract me. The walls were plain and blank, giving no hint to the pure raw power in the room. The air seemed to glow or vibrate or both in the Force. You could easily get distracted and lost with the Force here. The feeling of such power struck you in the face like the gust of a powerful wind. Even non Force sensitive must have vaguely, without reason, picked up the feeling of strength and power. The members of council were impressive. While I didn't know anyone, but one, I could tell without trying, these were well trained and extremely smart people. The one was Luke Skywalker. He didn't know that I knew him. He didn't know everything I knew about him. I saw a boyish look still left in his eyes. He was older, broader, and more mature than I remember him being, or as in my book knowledge of him, but he still was Luke, the farm boy, thrown into a chaos of superior actions.

"Knight Mirmo, student Karen, thank you for coming"

Some woman, next to Luke had said that. I didn't really look at her, in fear that I would start unconsciously reading her. There was a moment of silence before she continued.

"Knight Mirmo, you came before us today because you had something to discuss about?"

I gave the quickest of glances to Mirmo, wondering what on earth was going on. I thought he had told the council my secret already and I was here to confirm it. Apparently, he wanted to publicly embarrass me before the entire council.

"Yes I do. It is about Karen. She has been with my meditation class for a week. At first I thought she was just like the rest of the students, a beginner at meditation and the Jedi way. I was proven wrong when one day I was able to witness her display of knowledge in the Force. She was dancing to music in one of the lightsaber classrooms, with the training blocks left out. She was dancing around the blocks, never touching them, and never looking for them. I sensed the Force within her and how she used it to sense the blocks. She kept this display up for several minutes, until the song ended. Although she tried to deny any such talent, I had her prove it to me with another dance, and I had moved the blocks around behind her back. She repeated the same level of Force control.

On the first day the students were taught how to feel the Force, she already knew how and with some prodding from me, she showed me a deeper understanding of the Force. It is clear to me, that Karen has had training from her home world. She claims that she wished to keep her past training a secret in order to start anew. While I feel this deserves merit and maturity, I feel she shows great potential and could be a great knight with the help of a guiding hand. I request that I be allowed to take her as my apprentice."

The room was silent again for a moment. The council members looked at each other, careful to not reveal anything to me. Finally, Luke grabbed my attention and stared right into my soul and directed his words to me only.

"Do you accept Karen?"

Accept? How could I accept? How could I even think about this! This was insane. Master Mirmo must have been out of his mind. I had been here for only a week and he was asking to take me as an apprentice. He barely knew me and I, the same to him. There was no way for him to know if this would work or not. He was embarrassing himself, as well as me, rushing into this. I looked up at him, questioning him. He looked back, but gave no answer. The choice was purely mine. I quieted myself, turned inward and to the Force. What was my future? What was my path, my destiny? Usually I forbid myself to go looking into the future, because I usually saw horrible things, but this was different and far more important. The Force would not hint my future clearly enough to help me see where this path would take me, but I could feel enough that I was to accept this offer. It was the right thing to do, even if it was highly out of taste.

I told the council my decision.

"Then, Master Mirmo, the council grants you the permission to take Karen Nightingstar as your apprentice. May the Force be with both of you."

Master Mirmo nodded and bowed. I felt a touch in the Force from him, telling me to follow his example and I bowed. Master Mirmo turned and walked out of the council. I felt uncomfortable with showing my back to such people, but there no way to help this.

When we walked out of the chamber, past the hallway, and to the direction of the lift, known to me as an elevator, I busted out what I was thinking. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Was he aware of how long I had been here? Why did he want to take me? Weren't there better, more promising students out there? Before I could keep bombarding him with questions, he held up his hand and I fell silence.

"Is this how to talk to your newly assigned Master?"

I steamily told him that I wasn't assigned, that he took me without giving me warning.

"I gave you enough warning of such a possibility. Why do you think I spent so much time with you during the classes?"

I told him he was just trying to get back at me for keeping a secret. I ranted more, demanding why he had to ruin my secret.

"You told me this secret. You gave me information that, as a knight, I felt I must pass on to the council. As for the time spent on you during classes, my naïve apprentice, I only spend time with those who are worthy of my time. You showed great promise and skill to me during the evening of the dance. It was clear you could do more, and wanted to. I was merely giving you the chance to show off. Instead, you fought me, thinking I was trying to put you at a disadvantage. Remember, not everyone is against you."

I had nothing to say. My emotions were too flared up. I was so happy to gain such attention. I was proud that he saw me of someone that was worth his time. I was annoyed that I could not continue my plan, but at the same time I was relieved that I was no longer living a lie.

"Go to your room, Karen, and meditate to clear your mind. You are free from classes for today. I will notify the teachers of this."

I did as ask and found myself extremely tired when I sat on my bed. I curled up into a ball and continued the dream I had before all this started.

Ch13

It was another day of pacing in the small waiting room, sweating, shaking, and being in state of dreadful terror. The worst was part my new Master, Mirmo, was sitting calming in a chair, reminding me every five minutes to sit down and breathe. I would sit down for a few seconds before my nervous state drove me crazy and restless. I would stand up and find myself pacing again. What was causing me so much stress was getting my second vaccine shot in just a few short minutes.

"Karen, you may come in now"

My fear rose to a new record level when the healer announced that. Master Mirmo got up, put a hand on my back, and guided me to the examination room. I was told to take a seat on the examining table.

"Knight Mirmo, or should I say Master Mirmo, I just heard the great news about your new apprentice. Congrations. If you don't mind, I wish to talk to you in private about a matter"

They stepped back out into the waiting room. I started wondering what was going on. Why couldn't they hurry this up? I was in enough torture as it was. Privately, although I would never admit this, I was relieved that Master Mirmo had shown up when he heard the news.

He didn't have an easy time finding the news out. He woke me up earlier in the morning to take a walk around the temple and out into the forest. I was half sleepwalking during the stroll. It wasn't until the end of walk, did I remember the shot. Fear trickled in. My master did not seem to notice it until we sat down for the morning meal to eat a bowl full of nerf shaped corn flakes, or least I wanted to pretend the orange flakes were corn, floating in the strange blue milk. I could not be still and stared into my bowl. My master had to call my name several times before I woke up and heard him. He asked me what was wrong. I said I was just sleepy. He gave me a stern look that made me squirm even more than my fear was making me. I looked down at my bowl, keeping silent in the hopes he would drop the subject. He had all the patience in the world and a stare that could drive me crazy. I said I had to get a shot. He blinked and slightly titled his head. He asked me what was so bad about getting a shot. I couldn't describe the fear I went through the last time. I told him I just didn't like needles. He finally let that go and said no more on the topic. I was grateful for that respect. It was bad enough I had to spend half the day obsessively thinking about the pain to come. I didn't need him digging through me, trying to understand my logic.

I was forced back into the present when the door opened again. The healer when to a tray on my left, to prepare the shot. Master Mirmo took a few steps closer to me. His presence seemed to smooth and calm my wreaked nerves. The healer turned to me and grabbed my arm. I fought myself not to fight to get it, in fear out of her grip, but she had a steady and strong hand. She dabbed my upper arm with a cold pad to sterilize the skin. That's when the real panic set in. My breathing became rapid and shallow. By the Force, this was going to happen. This was going to hurt. I had to get away. I couldn't go through this. The healer picked up the needle and started to go for my arm. I softly whimpered in fear, shaking like I was freezing cold. I turned my head away and held my breath. I could feel the sting of the metal penetrate my skin and push into tender muscle. My nerves rocketed screaming, senseless messages to my brain that my arm hurt. My brain, in response, froze my body, helpless to stop the pain. Finally, the needle withdrew from my skin. The healer placed the veil thing back on the tray and put a bandage on the small whole in my arm.

I jumped off the table and headed for the door. I just wanted to get out of the horrible room so badly I had no thought for manners. I heard Master Mirmo apologize for my quick departure and stopped me as I entered the hallway. He roughly grabbed my now sore left arm, causing me to cry out in pain, and looked at me severely. He reprimanded me for my rude behavior and failing to thank the healer. I gave him one quick look and sent my humbled glaze at the floor. I felt ashamed and hurt that I could not control myself. He let go of my arm and waited out my silence. I gathered my courage to look at him again and said I was sorry. I knew I should have waited to be dismissed. I let my impatience control me. He sighed and invited me to his room for stories.

Ch14

For two hours Mirmo told me stories of his past, while I curled up quietly on his bed, giving him my full, undivided attention. His history was quite fascinating and really explained a lot about him and why I was picked.

Mirmo grew up on a small planet, in a medium size community on the western side of an island. The town was not rich, nor poor, but not very close. Neighbors barely knew each other and there were few town socials. His family lived in a small house with three children and both parents working overtime to just barely pay the bills and provide food for fiver hungry mouths. There were constant fights between the parents over money and the rules of the house. Money was a big problem and constantly on the minds of the entire family.

The family was further apart in friendliness then the town. Both parents were strict in following rules, overly harsh with punishments, and gave little affection attention to their children. The three siblings, only a few years apart, found a bond among each other, for that was the only way to survive in the tough conditions of their home. The oldest of them, became a mother to the two younger boys, keeping the troublesome boy from aggravating the tired and snappy parents, while giving hugs and kisses when needed. The two bothers were close, but Mirmo was never able to bond too closely with anyone in his family, not to mention with anyone else in the town.

Since Mirmo was a small boy, he knew he was different. It took him years to explain why, but he could never be like other children his age. He felt an energy, one he knew was not air, not sunlight, nor the breeze. He learned over the years he could manipulate this energy to cause small things to happen. Books slide off tables or the walls shook when he became overpowered with rage. This ability scared him, causing unexplained headaches, which often turned into migraines. At times, he was able to know what was behind his back, even if he had never looked or knew. These abilities made him feel different and alone. He would and could never tell anyone this secret. His parents tried their hardest to scold and beat this strangeness out of him. His siblings were confused by these strange acts that seemed to occur around him.

It wasn't until his late teens did Mirmo find out what made him different from the other people in his town. Luke Skywalker, a new figure in the news, was making a trip to his planet. Mirmo happened to in the same market square when another mysterious event happened, brought by a surge of anger. Mirmo, surrounded by young men his age, was being made fun of his weirdness next to a fountain with a large statue spouting a stream of water. The anger in Mirmo was growing rapidly; to the point he thought he would explode. The Force had been growing in Mirmo for his outbreaks in the Force where happening more frequently and strongly.

There was a loud crack and half the statue loudly slid off and crashed on the stone street. The entire market went dead silent and set all eyes on the young and small Mirmo. Luke, who had felt the Force's warning before the event had happen, raised his hands to direct the crowd's attention to him. He admitted to the accident and apologized for his mistake. He loudly announced that he would talk to the town's leader and gladly pay to replace the statue. The crowd, startled and annoyed at the Jedi, went back to their shopping.

Luke quietly approached the scared and shaking Mirmo and led him out of the crowd to a dark, hushed street, where no one would bother them. Luke spent several hours talking to the young man, explaining what and why had happened, telling the boy of the Force. He told Mirmo a brief past of the grand Jedi order and how Luke was trying to restore it. Mirmo, full of excitement and wondered if Luke would help learn about the Force. Luke smiled, but shook his head. He wanted but, at the current time he was just starting up an academy for Force sensitive people and he already found his quota. Not to disappoint the young man, Luke promised to come back in a few years when his academy had settled down and a training program was firmly decided. The Jedi knight gave Mirmo an important assignment to find out all he could on the Jedi, to help Luke learn more of what he was bringing back. Mirmo eagerly accepted this assignment, recklessly promising to bring volumes and volumes of ancient scripts and holovids. With a warning of controlling Mirmo's temper, Luke left the late teenager to find the leader of the town.

During the next three years, Mirmo worked hard on his assignment. At first he found it hard, for the Jedi and their information had been nearly wiped away from history, but Mirmo got lucky. He slowly found clues and hints of the Jedi and learned to think as the old Jedi did when it came to hiding information. He learned to read between the lines to find clues that eventually lead him to bits of tales and facts a Jedi had wrote himself. It took years of searching little tad bits, but Mirmo slowly saw a bigger picture of the Jedi order. During this time, he found a steady job that allowed him to work alone. He left home shortly after meeting the Jedi and swore he would live a better life than of his parents.

At the end of three years, Mirmo had grown into a tall, lean man, well educated, living fairly well off, and happy with his life. He came to accept his abilities and learn to respect the Force. He was never much liked by the town, but that never bothered him. Unfortunately, he was still an easy target to make fun of and try to beat up. One night he found himself trapped in a corner, surrounded by several partly drunk men who thought it was time for a monthly beating up of Mirmo. They were about to start punching him when they all suddenly did a complete change in mood and in body language and decided they were more interested in another beer, then pounding the young man.

When the men had gone back to their seats, Mirmo got a look around the bar to see what if he was safe to quietly slip out. He spotted Luke Skywalker sitting at table near by and decided to join the Jedi. Luke and Mirmo had much to talk about, especially Mirmo's finds. Luke was impressed with the man's work and offered a spot in his academy. Mirmo's eyes were shining as he agreed to come.

For another two years Mirmo trained like never before to learn to control his abilities and become a stronger, better man. At the same time, he was healing emotionally and spiritually from the rough years with his family. When he was knighted, he privately swore not to take an apprentice until he found me. He traveled long and far, but during the few times he spent teaching meditation at the academy, he saw no one could who he felt was worth of training. He had easily seen the subtle marks of abuse during the first class and instantly became interested in learning more of me. When he saw my breakdown and how I had opened up, he painfully remembered his childhood. When he caught me in the act of using the Force during the dance, he had to smile because he knew the lie I told him well. I was a similar image of his past and he hoped to help me heal and grow as a Jedi. It was had been twelve years since he came to Luke's academy and truly I was a special one, since I was his first apprentice.

Ch15

I went quiet when Mirmo finished the story. I had questions about certain parts of his past, but at the same time I didn't want to ask them. I tried to ignore my somewhat upset stomach that had been feeling uneasy for most of the story. I figured I must have eaten something new and my stomach didn't like it at all. I went back to remembering how my family never supported my training and how I was constantly teased for my interest in the Force and what the Force could do. I had learned to hide my training from my parents, learning how to come up with games that on the surface looked like play, but really was an exercise in learning how to sense emotions, or people, or some other skill. I didn't mention to any of my friends at school what I was doing or even that I wanted to be Jedi. My planet didn't support my beliefs.

I could easily identify with the feeling of being strange, different, not like everyone else. I never had very many friends all through out my schooling. I never could get close to anyone. Over time, I became conscious of this ability and made myself get closer, but there was always a distance between my closest friends. Perhaps, the distance between us was the Force, or my secret. It was sad to say, but I was good at lying to people. It was a necessary skill at my home when one had incredible strict and unfair parents. I found that I could keep any secret that I wanted to. It wasn't too hard, if no one even thought you had something to hide.

My stomach started to hurt even more, threatening to send me to the refresher. I looked at my new master. He was also quiet, withdrawn, and my guess was he was in the past, his past. I said nothing, so not to disturb his thoughts. I was a natural empathy, meaning I could feel from others and understand emotions since I was born. I knew to the exact point how he felt and knew to leave him alone. This remembering of the past was part of the healing process. One should never try to lock and put away forever their emotions, but occasionally open the box and take a look. Looking was painful, but good for the spirit. It reminded the person how much they have grown and lets them compare the past with the present.

I felt a flash of heat. Ohh, my stomach was really bothering me. I fought the urge, trying to calm my stomach and wait this attack out. No luck. I got up. My master was still lost in the past and didn't notice me. I was hoping just standing up might help, but within seconds I found myself hurrying to the bathroom to be violently sick. I was about to come out of the refresher when my stomach heaved again, sending me back to leaning over the toilet. The time I came out, I was sticky with sweaty, shaking, my holding my stomach which still hurt and felt hollow. Master Mirmo had returned to the present and looked at me with a worried expression. He asked me if I was ok. I told him I didn't know. I had no idea why I got sick so suddenly. He walked over and felt my forehead. He said I should go back to my room and get some rest. I did so, not in the mood to argue with him, just in time to run to my own bathroom and be sick again. This was already starting to get old.

An hour later, I was in bed, sweating, miserable with a very upset, empty stomach. I still felt hot, maybe more than before. My mind was buzzing with the story, unable to quiet down. My body was too tied up with the sickness to give me peace. There was a knock that I recognized to be Master Mirmo. I got up from my mattress and pressed the green button. Master Mirmo told me to go back to my bed and be quiet. He was holding a tray that has some sort of scanner, a glass, and a small black bag. I went back to my bed, but didn't put on the blanket. I was too hot to stand the warmth of my wool like, bantha combed blanket. He put the tray on the floor, next to my cot, and felt my forehead again. I saw him frown as he realized my fever had gone up. He asked me how I felt. I told him my stomach still hurt. He picked up the scan, pressed a few buttons and aimed it at my face. I flinched as a red beam of light passed over my head. He moved the scanner across my body all the way down to my feet. I didn't feel anything, but I still didn't move a muscle. He looked up at the scanner and proclaimed I was running a mid grade fever. He took the cup from the tray, went to the refresher, filled the cup up with water and gave to me to drink, cautioning me to drink the water slowly.

Mirmo moved over to pick up the black bag. Once he opened the bag, I saw what I feared it to be. There was a small medicine bottle, a needle, and a pad. I immediately knew what was going to happen. I asked him why he was giving me a shot. He said the medicine would stop the fever and put me to sleep. I panicked for a second, before remembering a Jedi skill. I asked him what about using the Force to put me to sleep. He shook his head and explained to me why. We were just beginning a long, serious road of my training. Our link was not very strong yet. He stopped me before I could protest against that statement. A Jedi mind is very strong and has much will power, backed by the Force. In order for him to control my thoughts, I would have to be very willing. I would have to take down my shield. He stopped me again as I opened my mouth to take offense. In a few months, I would be able to do this, but until then, he would have to give me this injection.

He asked me to hold out my arm. I did so unwilling, but turned my head so I stared at the wall. I closed my eyes shut as the needle went in. I didn't feel the prick, but I knew he had done it. It was a lot less worse of a shot, for it was short. He took my arm in his hand and gently rubbed the area. He put my arm back down and pulled the blanket on my legs, saying later on I would cool off and welcome the warmth. He spoke in a soft, calming voice, lulling me into slowing down my thoughts and embracing the grasp sleep had on me. I soon drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up a few hours from dawn, groggy, but still with a trouble stomach. I went to the bathroom to vomit. My reflection in the mirror didn't make me feel any better when I was done. I was pale as a ghost, sweat shining on my face, my checks blushing from the internal heat wave, and my hair matted, twisted, and greasy. I slowly made my way back to the mattress to lie down. I stopped, know lying down wasn't going to help and went to my computer. For some time I continued my project to learn, play and understand this insanely complex machine. There was knocking at my door and by accident, I hit the black button. I cursed and told the door to open. To my surprise, the door slide open, showing me my master. I took a step backwards to let him into the room. He saw the computer on and asked if I couldn't sleep. When I nodded, he felt my forehead for two seconds and ordered me back to bed. He got me another cup of water and asked if I had vomited again since he put me to sleep and if so, when. I told him about two hours ago. He questioned me further about my condition and came to his conclusion. The healer had warned him that only very young children were supposed to get this vaccine. The older you got the more likely and worse the reaction was going to be. So she told Mirmo to look for excessive vomiting, sweating, chills, and fevers. There was little they could do for me, but to wait for my body to adjust to the weaken germs. They were against giving me medicine, unless my fever spiked, so my body could gain full strength.

So, the day was spent with me lying on my bed, going through all those symptoms. Master Mirmo was kind enough to stay the entire day with me, telling me stories to keep my mind off the sickness, pausing to let me run to the bathroom. He tried his hardest to keep be hydrated, but I couldn't keep water down very well. He would meditate for the few times I slept in a fitful manner. By the evening I was pretty weak and stay quiet for long periods of time. My master grew worried at my silence and forced me to go to the healer's office. There, it was announced I was fairly dehydrated and running a high fever. The healer placed an IV into my arm, but I was so out of it, I barely knew what was going on. All I could remember was my master stroking my hair and holding my hand, telling me something about holding on.

Ch16

As fast as the strong reaction of the injection came, it left with the same speed. I woke up in the healer's room with an IV still in my arm, wires attached to me and hooked to a machine, but feeling fine. My master was sitting in a chair beside my bed. He looked to be asleep, but I wasn't sure if he was in some sort deep meditation. I cautious reached into the flow of Force, connecting myself to his presence, and sort of mentally poked him to see if he was asleep or not. He opened his eyes to my surprise, critically looking over me to see if my health had improved. When he saw the shining, active spirit within my eyes and the glow of my skin, his face seemed to relax, telling me of the tale of a long night full of worry for him. There was a tinge of pain in me, as I realized he cared about me that much. No one ever stood the night up worrying over me, not even my parent. I greeted him with an overly cheerful tone to full let him know I was fine. He nodded, but remained quiet. I puzzled over his silence, wondering what it meant. No quick look at him could tell me anything, proving his shields were back up.

A healer came in with a tray of food. I wondered how she knew I was hungry, not to mention starving, since I had gone past twenty four hours without a bit of anything. I looked that the beeping machine and then at my master and knew the answer was the Force. In many ways, I was still pretty brand new to the Force and using it, despite my years of study. I could not think in terms of living with the Force. The Force was still something I accessed when I wanted or thought about it. A true, fully trained Jedi, breathed the Force, and didn't even think about the simple skills I spent years ingraining into myself. I still had a lot to learn. The healer put the tray down and looked at my read outs. She said that she wanted me to stay the day here and rest for the day. I groaned, not bothering to hide it. I was not fan of lying on a bed, not being allowed to move around when I felt fine. The healer left, saying in an hour she would take out the IV.

I ate breakfast along with Mirmo. He smiled at my groan and told me I could spend the time refining my meditation skills. I looked at him for a long minute before taking another bite of some strange red fruit that was oddly sweet and tangy. I was not fond of lying still and trying to clear my mind. Doing it for more than thirty minutes was really pushing my tolerance. I was sure my master could and would look forward to dedicating an extended period of time like I had to this exercise. Just for that idea I decided not to meditate.

In the end, I spent twelve boring hours lying on the bed, not doing much. The healer had the Force and the Force had eyes to tell her if a restless me was getting out of bed for the fifth time. I was allowed to take a shower, eat meals, and a data pad to read, but other than that, she wanted me still and quiet. Those were not the usual activities of a hyper, healthy young woman. On the ninth time of getting caught out of bed, she proclaimed me as healthy, but warned me to watch out for lingering signs of reactions. I respectful nodded, remembering my master's orders, and thanked the strict healer for her time and taking care of me so well. She grated out a response, but I knew she was utterly sick of me.

I went to my room, not to rest or play with computer, but to gather my music player and find an empty room. I turned up the music fairly loud and danced until I was lost in the music. I got to the point I no longer thought, my body became one with the beat, and the Force guided my moves. This was a state I belonged in. I was happy and complete here. The rest of the world, the universe could melt away with the drama, the pain, the fear of life. I was here, in the ever lasting now, with my music. Dancing is an art and I am an artist. Dancing is the silent, but much said, expression of the soul.

The day started off with Mirmo giving me a new class schedule. I looked to see some classes had been advanced to a harder level and others remained the same. I still had basic exercising, basic Jedi philosophy, I was placed in a Force class, and a lightsaber class! I saw that I still was stuck in basic meditation with him as my teacher. I looked up at my teacher, pondering why I was still in that class. I thought it was clear I could meditate and I should advance.

"And yet you still can not control your emotions."

I looked at him, shocked. How did he know I was questioning about that class?

"Your emotions are very easy to read, my young apprenticed"

I bristled at the mention of being called young. Twenty one years old is not that young. Also, I didn't act that new. Perhaps, while I loathe admitting it, he was right about my emotions. It had already been shown I was too emotional and didn't know how to deal with my emotions to the point they took control of me. I still felt like I was slide pass getting punished for breaking down in front of him that one night. This must be his form of punishment.

"You will learn meditation is not as bad as you think it is. It doesn't have to always be sitting still. You might come to realize meditation can help with those nightmares you still have"

I hid my surprise better. I had another nightmare last, one not so intense, but still scary and worrisome. I was disappointed with myself for not overcoming this fear. I thought the breakdown would stop all nightmares, but apparently I wasn't immune to them, yet.

"The healing process takes time, Karen. A few days are far from enough. We will have many talks and inner looks before you are completely healed. You will have to face your fears and come to terms. Don't look so worried. I will be there to guide you. Remember, I have been through all of this. Now off to dining hall for breakfast with you. I will see you at class"

I nodded respectful. I didn't want to look inside. I knew there was something horrible dark living within me. I was happier pretending it didn't exist or at least that monster couldn't affect me. I headed to breakfast and to a very interesting day.

Ch17

Classes started off with morning, mundane exercise class, with only a slight increase in difficulty. I started to wonder why Master Mirmo hadn't moved up to a harder class, but then I thought about what a harder class would involve and was grateful for the easiness of the stretching and light exercises we did. I still dreaded the day I would have to run any distance. I was nearly holding my breath until then.

When that was over, I went through the maze of hallways that was now making a lot more sense and true to my word; I wondered why I couldn't understand how to find my room on the first few days. I entered a new hallway, one that held the more advance skills. I peered into windows in the doors to see what these classrooms were like. I saw the floors were matted and knew these must be sparring rooms. I found the room I was looking for and joined a class all milling around, chatting. This class was different from my normal ones. The students were bits older, in their mid to late teens, making me feel like I could blend in and be accepted more.

The class turned out to be a lecture on lightsabers. We were taught a lightsaber is not a toy and never to be handled lightly. In this class we would learn to properly wield a lightsaber, how to fight each other, learn strategies, learn the difference between defending and attacking, and how to fight remotes and droids. A lightsaber was dangerous weapon, capable of causing serious harm, even taking a life. To demonstrate this, the teacher ignited her lightsaber. The blade was truly amazing. The blade meant so many things, power, grace, strength, light, hope, and fear. She held out her hand, rolling up her sleeve, and I instantly, but wincing already, at the idea of what she was going to do. The shining and humming lightsaber was brought close to her hand. I saw the expression of deep concentration on her face. I tested the Force in her and found the Force swirling around her. She took the light blue blade to her left hand. You could clearly hear skin swizzle in the heat of the blade. She held the blade there, causing more mental pain to the students than I think she was going through. What she was doing was absorbing the energy from the blade into her and directing the energy out of her. She also must have numbed her hand and arm before hand, for she showed on excruciating pain on her face as one might expect. When she took the blade away and deactivate the blade everyone could see a blacken wound on her hand. I didn't want to think how much that had to hurt or if she did this for all beginning classes. The feat was incredibly impressive, but I felt unnecessary and somewhat foolish. The rest of the class did not share my belief and all had shocked looks on their faces. The class was ended early and I was willing to bet credits, as they called currency here, that the teacher was headed to an angry healer.

The other, new class of interest was my new Force class. I found I was in the same group as the last lightsaber class. The class setting was another meditation chamber, though somewhat bigger than the one Master Mirmo taught in. The class was taught by another woman, who seemed to prefer pacing around rather than sit with the class. The details of the class, to me, were not very interesting. The teacher knew much about the Force, but she was a lousy teacher. It did not help me at all, to say I already knew all she went over. We went over how to feel the Force within us and then told how to feel the Force outside of our bodies. Some students struggled with this assignment. I found it all too easy and stretched my Force awareness to the entire room. It wasn't that I was trying to show off, but simply to stretch my mind like I stretched my limbs earlier that morning. It didn't matter, the teacher still did not approve of it.

"Karen, when I tell you to go beyond the assignment, then please do so. Otherwise refrain from showing off to the class"

I nodded and looked down, trying very hard not to show my anger to the woman. It was not my fault that I was too skilled for this class. She should blame my master, not me. He is the one who placed me here. I pushed back my anger until the class ended.

I let my grip over my anger go when I went back to my room. I didn't want the Jedi to pick this up, so I skipped lunch. I was fairly ticked off at my master. What was he playing at, putting me in a class several levels too low? There was nothing I could learn that was new in that class. I got so wrapped up in my emotions that I forgot about the time. When looked at the time I realized that Mirmo's meditation class had started right then. I ran out of my room, through the halls, and to his classroom. I took a second to regain my breath and composure. I knocked on the door. In a few seconds, the door opened to show a surprised and disappointed Mirmo. He gave me a slight glare, but allowed to enter the silent room. I kept my head and, settled down in my corner, and began the process of meditation. I found my mind unsettled, rebellious, refusing to let go and be with the Force and peace. My master never said anything, but I knew he sensed this. I was learning very little could go past his eyes. When the bell rang, he dismissed everyone, but me, asking me to stay. I gulped, knowing what was going to happen.

"Would you like to talk apprentice?"

I shook my head. I could handle myself. It was better if he didn't know about my reason behind my anger.

"Sit down"

I did as he asked. He stared at me with this look that told me not to dare look away from him.

"Now Karen, you know I can order you to talk, but I won't. I can only encourage you to do so for a number of reasons. I can feel your anger, simmering just beyond a thin cover of self control, so do not try to pretend it doesn't exist. I can promise you talking will help and is one good way to work through anger" 

I bit my lip, wanting to look down. I mumbled something about an apprentice does not question her Master's orders.

"And yet you do. It's ok to try to understand my logic. As long as you keep a civil voice and mind your words, no punishment will be received. You can not learn if you do not ask. All I ask for is your respect"

I wanted to argue I did respect him. I held that back. I would be getting off topic. I sighed and told him about the scene during the Force class. I told him that I felt shouldn't be in there and I was angry at the teacher for misunderstanding my actions. Mirmo nodded, fully understanding me.

"It does look as if she did misunderstand you. I will talk to her to try to explain the situation. For the future, I advise you to limit your practice in the Force to what a teacher asks you to do. Learning to control the Force in small quantities is a good skill for you to prefect"

With those words he dismissed me. As I walked to my room, I noticed my anger had dissolved and a feeling of peace and a good emptiness took the anger's place. It was true, although I would never confess it, talking through my anger did help. I needed to vent, but I was trying too much to be the proper, perfect Jedi, to do so. My master truly was a great wise Jedi. I hoped, some day, to be like him. Until then, I still considered myself to be young, wild, and novel to the Jedi way.

Ch18

When I think of the difficulty in the classes, I am reminded of the college numbering system. The first classes I had been placed in before I was apprenticed were the 100s. They were meant to be easy and an introduction into the subject. The classes were designed not to cause stress, letting the students grow use to the way of life at the Jedi temple. Once the students were placed or worked up to the 101 and 102 classes, they were thought to be use to our surroundings enough to be useful and help with the house chores. There were plenty of chores like cooking, dusting, sweeping, washing the floors, doing laundry, cleaning plates, and tending the small garden. While no one loved doing any of the chores, there were certain chores someone loathed. Masters and the head house keeper noted these dislikes and used them as punishments for misbehaving apprentices and students. I personally hated washing the floor. It was strange because I didn't mind sweeping, but scrubbing the floor with this mop like thing on a stick and having to dip into this stinky solution, was far from fun. It involved a lot of cursing from me, but I was careful to keep it very much under my breath.

While my master allowed cursing, he said once that he was guilty of it; he was strict about me keeping it to him or myself behind closed doors. About a week after the anger talk, I was trying to get past a droid, one of the very few here at the temple. I was late to a class, a very important lightsaber class, when a droid was blocking the hallway. The droid said something about an accident and for my own safety; it would not let me through. I tried to be polite, that didn't work. I tried to threaten the droid. That didn't work. I refused to let a droid order me around. My temper fired up so much that I started cursing, demanding the droid let me through that instant.

"Apprentice Karen Nightingstar!"

Uh oh. That was the voice of my master. That voice questioned me, lectured me, and punished me. That is how I ended up washing the floor with the horrible smell of some type of chemical I didn't want to know the name of. To make it worse, my master walked around the already scrubbed area with his muddy boots, checking on my progress. It took all self control and strong will power to over come my enraging temptation to attack my master with the sponge on a stick. I forced a polite smile when my master noticed his boots had made a mess. I was tired, hot, for it was humid day, and had been doing this for two hours.

"Watch your thoughts or you'll be doing this again", my master said with a bit of a twinkle in his eyes.

Another two hours went by before the master house keeper decided there was no dirt specks left on the floor. I was too tired to be anger or annoyed. I dragged myself to my room, went over to the computer, glazed at the screen, not really seeing anything at all. Time went by and I had no idea how much. I went into a mindless, thoughtless state, feeling the lack of energy in my bones, wishing I had the oomph to get up and revive under the steady stream of hot water on my back, in the stall of my shower. The distance between me and the shower was too long in my mind and I decided to continue my lazy sitting. The door chimed. I quietly, unable to find energy in my voice, told the door to open. No one came in. I called out, telling whoever to come into the room. Still, no one would enter. I groaned as I got up and walked to the door. There was no one standing there. Strange. I stuck my head on and looked to my right and then my left, not given time to see the stream of water coming rapidly at my face. I kept my eyes closed as I wiped the water off my face. I blinked and saw my master holding a squirt gun in his hands. I blinked again, wondering if I was imaging this. No, this was not a dream and yes my master was holding a water gun, now aimed at my chest. I stuttered for words, asking what was going on.

"Getting you wet if you don't wake up and dodge me"

Another blast of water came at me, soaking my shirt. I stared down in shock, unable to fully comprehend what was going on. I didn't think water guns existed in this region of the galaxy and I certainly didn't think Jedi would have them or use them. My master squeezed the trigger, but I moved to my left, into my room, to avoid the rest of my shirt getting drenched. I asked where my gun was and was handed an exact copy of what he was holding. I checked to see if there was water and found it fully fueled. I looked up to find my master, but heard his soft footsteps as he ran down the hall. I grinned to myself and followed. My competitive sense kicked in full time and I was not going to let my master win this game.

I was almost in shooting range pf Mirmo's back, when he turned around, still running backwards, and shot at me. I moved out of the way and tried to hit him. I was no luckier than him. He turned around and took the right hand cross hall. I forced myself to slow down in order to not hit the corner as I ran after him. We traded shots, few hitting each other and only tying when we entered the main chamber, where most Jedi hung out. We traded another round of water discharges before looking at the other Jedi. I went deep red when I saw the confused, some amused, looks of the Jedi. Master Mirmo, seemed to be having too much fun to much care what the other Jedi thought of this game.

"Karen, it is a rather hot day, don't you think?"

I nodded, wondering where he was going to take this.

"And don't you think everyone looks a bit hot?"

Oh! I got it. Oh, this was going to be great. I nodded, looking as serious as I could, while holding off a fit of laughter.

"As Jedi, we try to set the example and give a helping hand to those of the needy. So let us do our job and help these poor miserable souls out by--"

We went back to back and squirted everyone with our squirt guns, until our guns were out of water. We then turned hind and ran out of there, smiling at each other. I could feel our link grow and knew the ice had finally been broken. I was feeling very relaxed around him, ready to tease the daylight out of him, or show him my hyper, silly side. He put a hand on my shoulder, enforcing the feeling, and led me back to my room to change out of my dripping clothing.

Ch19

A few days later all students were given a day off from classes. The teachers did this once a week, to give the students time to rest and have fun. I decided this would be a good day to stay in bed and catch up on my sleep. Unfortunately for me, my master did not share my idea. He came into my room, we had programmed the door to let him in without my permission. I heard him come in, but decided to stay put under my soft warm blanket, lying peacefully on my comfortable mattress.

"Time to get up, Karen. You can not spend the whole day in bed"

I kept my eyes shut, focused on keeping my breathing slow and steady, pretending to be asleep. I felt the twitch of my blanket, but somehow knew he had not touched my bed. He must have been using the Force.

"Come on, my forever sleeping apprentice. I don't want you going into a coma"

I swallowed a smile and concentrated on keeping very still. I wondered how long I could keep this up. Suddenly, I felt a cold breeze on my legs, back, and arms. The blanket had been Force pulled off of me. Oh grrr. I hated being cold. I wanted to grab the blanket, throw it over my head and refuse to get up for that little mean trick.

"You've got three seconds to get up before I lift the mattress up and then dump you on the floor"

Was he serious?

"One.."

He wouldn't really do such a mean thing.

"Two…"

Oh, maybe he really would. Panic started to set in.

"Three…"

I felt the bed quiver and hastily scrambled off the bed and somehow landed face down on the thin carpet.

"Thank you. Now, get dressed. Do you have anything planned today?"

I shook my head. I asked him if I could go to his room and get some reading done for class. He raised his eyebrows at that and asked if I really wanted to spend my day off, doing homework. I said yes and meant it. I didn't want to get behind. He gave me a slightly puzzled look and shrugged.

Twenty minutes later I was on another bed, Mirmo's this time, curled up with a blanket covering my lower half, quietly reading in his room. Mirmo was on the other side of the small room, sitting in from of a computer, playing pazaak. He was mostly quiet except for the times when he would angrily curse underneath his breath. I could tell he was loosing tons of credits as the curses got more frequent and more vulgar. I looked up from my data pad when he yelled out a curse about sith mating Hutt and producing a Gamorrean child. I didn't need to try to remember what a Gamorrean child was, to know my master had lost big time. I told my master to watch his tongue or he could end up cooking, something I found out he hated, for a month. He looked up and glared at me. I smiled, put down my data pad, got off the bed, and looked at his source. By the Force, he had lost severely. He was at minus three hundred and twenty points. Either my master didn't know how to play, or he didn't know when to stop. I shook my head and told my master to let me show him how it was done.

"Hmm, like you could do better than a master"

I said nothing, but knew I had played this game quite a few times and had an excellent winning rate. I looked to see who my master was play and to my surprise, I saw Master Skywalker. Oh my, I didn't think the leader of the order had time to play such a silly game. Well, it didn't matter. I needed to get my master out of debt. I thought up a plan so good, I could hardly wait. I asked my master to shield my presence from Master Skywalker. I got a strange look and was asked why. I told Mirmo we were going to have a bit of fun with Luke. My master shrugged and closed his eyes. I told my master he wouldn't regret this.

I turned my attention back to the game. I thought for a minute of what to type.

Me: back 

Luke: are you sure you don't want to stop? 

Me: Sure I am 

Luke: er…ok, but you don't have a good record. 

Me: So certain you are? Win I will. The Force is with me. 

Luke: What's with the impression of Master Yoda? 

Me: See you will 

I giggled a bit, full of pride at my genius idea. My master gave me another weird look and I laughed at him. This was so much fun. As predicted, I won the game.

Luke: Oh, sithspawn! 

Me: Much anger in this one. 

Luke: Ok, seriously Mirmo, what's up with this? 

Me: Clear your mind of questions. Quiet now be, at peace, and win you will 

Luke: Master Yoda? 

I didn't say anything, holding my breath, wondering what was going through his mind.

Luke: Is this a joke? Yoda, is well, dead and I don't think he could manifest to play of pazaak. Mirmo, how do you know this…quotes? 

Me: Always with you it can't be done. Hear you nothing that I say? Now play you will 

We played again. I was extremely careful to not take chances that the Force didn't tell me where safe. I won again.

Luke: I don't believe it… 

Me: That is why you fail 

Luke: Master?...Master Yoda? Are you really there? I can't feel you in the Force. How are you doing this? 

I had to pause. What would the green little Jedi say? My knowledge of the Force didn't include anything about manifestating, not to mention how a spirit within the Force could type on a computer in real life. Maybe it was time to end the joke and reveal myself.

Me: Ready are you? 

Luke: I don't understand, Master 

Me: Yoda you seek, yet Yoda I am not 

Luke: Who are you then? Mirmo? 

Me: No 

Luke: Obi Wan? 

Me: Still no 

Luke: Then who? 

Me: Seen me you have 

Luke: Just tell me! 

Me: The boy has no patience! 

Luke: Tell me, please 

I stopped for a moment, giggling, unable to sit still. Oh was he in for a grand surprise. Another secret I kept was about to be revealed.

Me: Karen Nightingstar 

There was a moment of silence. I knew what Luke Skywalker was thinking. How could I known what Yoda had said to him during his training? Was I in contact with the great Jedi and how.

Me: I'll turn this back to Master Mirmo 

I got up from the chair, leaving my Master to deal with a very confused Luke. I thought my little trick was too good, knowing later I would have to tell my story. That could wait.

"You know Karen, you just raised a lot of questions."

I nodded, but said I needed to get back to studying. I grabbed my data pad and went to the door. Before I left, I told my master, his problem was he didn't know when to stop playing. I walked back to my room with the biggest grin on my face. If Master Yoda really did exist somehow in the Force, he was probably grinning with me.

Ch20

Lucky for me, no questions were asked by Master Skywalker. Minutes after I left, Luke Skywalker got a message on his com link, a communication device that could be compared to a cell phone, having him leave the academy for a week. Master Mirmo was thoroughly confused on what my little show was about, but left it for Luke to handle. Of course, when Master Mirmo came in later that afternoon, I was not aware of that.

"You shouldn't spend so much time in your room, Karen"

I looked up at him from my data pad that I was still reading. I asked him why.

"Because this room leads you into a depressed and brooding mood. A disheartened apprentice is no fun to be around. Hanging around me is fine, but you can not do that all day. So, time to get up and go to your friends"

I hung my head back down and stared at my sheets. I didn't have any friends to visit. I still hadn't gotten close to anyone enough that I could spend time with them outside of class.

"What is wrong? Don't you have friends?"

I mumbled something about not being wanted.

"Surely you have at least one friend"

I didn't look up when I said I didn't need friends.

"Try looking at me when you lie"

I didn't say anything. I was too embarrassed to say anything. I felt the sting in my heart, the feeling of loneness and rejection. I seemed to be such an outcaste; I couldn't even fit among the outcastes of the Jedi. Disappointment, guilt, and fear kept me silent. I felt the bed move as Mirmo sat down and sighed. I knew that sigh well for my parents had it down pat. It was the sigh that said they didn't know what to do with me. They didn't know why I was so strange, so different. They didn't know why I couldn't fit it or what to do about it. It was the sigh of hopelessness. I pushed back tears of the past. I didn't want Master Mirmo going through what my parents went through. I felt a hand on my calf.

"Don't shut down on me. Let me help you. I was only sighing because I know exactly what you are feeling too. I've been through all of this before back on my home planet. I too, found it hard to open up to strangers, even my own age and species, during the first few months here, but you know what? I did not have a master like you. I am one friend you have and that is a good start. Now you need to find at least one more. Didn't you have friends at home?"

I said yes.

"How many did you have?"

I told him, depending how you counted either a hand full in real life or several hundred online. The online part confused him. That is when I spent half an hour explaining him as well as I could, what the internet was. At the end, Mirmo seemed intrigued by this communication idea my planet had come up with.

"As interesting as the internet sounds, you still need friends here and now. I can't order you to make friends, but I do ask that you make a good effort of doing so. Find some girl like you. Spent time with her. Help her out with classes. Explore the temple and the grounds. Get into some trouble. You will heal inside much faster"

I looked at him, hardly believing he wanted me to get into trouble.

"You'll get into trouble anyhow. Everyone does. You might as well have fun when you get caught."

I looked at the clock for a distraction and realized it was close to dinner. It was my turn to do kitchen duty. I had never been in the kitchen before and wondered what I was going to do. I asked my master if I could be excused.

"Yuck. I am sorry. I hate cooking. You didn't do anything to be given this torture did you?"

I smiled and said no. I told him I didn't mind cooking. I was fairly good at cooking when at home. I knew how to do simple things and mixes were easy. Surely this couldn't be too bad.

"Yes, well if I get sick tonight, I'm blaming you. Have fun washing dishes afterwards"

I smiled at him and we both left my room. He headed back to his room and I walked to the dinning hall.

Ch21

Because I had never done kitchen duty before, I was given the job to set the dinning hall up. I was to put the linens on the tables, organize and lay out the silver wear, get the plates and glasses out, and put the fresh, hot food, out on the serving tables. I didn't mind the work for it was easy. Cooking would be a bit hard, seeing how I barely know the names of most foods I eat and have never cooked with them. Once I was done, I was told to hang around the kitchen and eat there. For some reason, the kitchen staff wanted the helpers out of the way and away from the view of the people eating. I grabbed some food, a wall to lean against and starting digging into my food.

"Hey"

I looked up from my plate of food to see a small, young looking girl, to realize I had met her before. She had on an off white tunic and pants, short blond, fine hair that glinted in the light. Her figure was small and under developed. She wore a lightsaber on the right hand side of her black metal belt. There was something about her that ringed a bell, but I could not place a finger on it. I thought for a minute, before the answer came to me. I asked her if she was the same girl who showed me to my class on my first day. She beamed a yes.

"I'm Lyn Offee"

I blinked for a second and wondered where I had heard that name. It took me a second to remember reading about a young Jedi Knight who died in the Clone Wars with the same last name. I asked her if she was related to that knight.

"Yes I am. I'm Lyn Racqel Offee. My family was very lucky to escape the massacre of the Jedi by the evil Emperor"

Funny, my middle name was the same! My mind instantly took flight of a thousand different, hopeful ideas and questions. I asked her where was she from.

"I am from the outer rim. My family moved as far away as they could when they were connected to the Jedi"

I told her I too was from the outer rim, although not revealing I was from Earth. It would be too hard to explain a planet that wasn't even mapped on the charts. This was really cool how we so far had a lot in common. I asked her how old she was and how long she had been here.

"Well everyone presumes I'm fourteen, but really I'm eighteen. I know I'm short and my body doesn't look like it has caught up with my age, but really I am. As for how long, I've been here for a bit over a year. When I discovered my Jedi heritage I got the courage to connect this academy and ask if I could join. Master Skywalker researched my family and personally came to my home to pick me up. He was very interested to read some of the old data pads the family had managed to find from the Emperor."

Wow, this was great. She was so interesting, so different. There was no hint of popularity in her. She may have been a few years younger than me, but she acted nearly my age. Maybe she could be my first friend.

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I've forgotten your name"

I told her my name was Karen Racqel Nightingstar. I told her part of my past, how I was the first Jedi of my family, how I was interested in Jedi for years and discovered on my own, my Force sensitivity. Lyn was taking my every word in. She seemed to like me as a friend. I got a hint from my abilities; she was lonely like me and was glad to have found someone similar to her. This was a great sign.

"Hey, do you want to sit down at one of the table and finish dessert? I don't think the cooks would mind"

I nodded and followed her into the dinning room. Several people nodded and greeted her as she walked through the aisles. Maybe, she only felt lonely and didn't know how many people knew her. I knew how that felt. One generally doesn't know what one has until it is taken away. I looked around the hall, recognizing a few faces of students and teachers. I spotted my master, alone at a table near a dim wall. He gave the girl I was following, a questioning look. I could not help, but smile at the thought I made a friend. Mirmo seemed to understand my smile and looked at me approvingly.

We were still talking long after we had finished our dessert. My master came up to us, asking who my new friend was, how was she doing, and what were we doing. I told my master we were about to go to my room to work on some homework together. He smiled, told me good luck as if he didn't think we would get anything done, and left us to continue our chatter. He was right in that little work got done. We ended up talking about most everything from lightsabers, to forests, to guys. My master had the ill timing to come in the middle of a pretend cat fight, a literal one at that. Lyn and I were hissing, growling, and playfully batting hands at each other. When the door opened, we both turned and hissed at Master Mirmo. Mirmo stood still, obviously surprised and unable to figure out what he had done to deserve this. Lyn and I broke out in uncontrollable squealing giggles. Mirmo smiled at our silliness and said he would leave us to act in our beastly ways. We stayed up late that night, not wanting to end the fun. Eventually, our yawns brought us to our common sense and we parted ways.

Ch22

Lyn got up very early that morning and woke up me. I have never been a morning person and when I opened the door, I greeted her with a big yawn and a grunt for "hello, good morning".

"Hi, sleepy head. May I come in?"

I shuttled back to my bed and she stood there, clean, eager and far too awake for my liking. I heavily sat down, letting let legs go limp and slump my back. I pushed back a thought of throwing a pillow at her, demanding that she wiped that hyper grin off her face.

"I just overheard someone talk about a water blaster fight you and your master had. Did you all really spray everyone in the main chamber?"

I nodded slowly, eyes closed; really wishing I could go back to sleep, but knowing it was too late for that. I replayed the scene in my head, smiling at my craziness.

"How did that start?"

Gee this girl was full of questions. I told her how Master Mirmo squirted me in the face and led me on a chase. Lyn laughed at the idea.

"You're not going to let that stand are you? You can't just let him take surprise of you all the time!"

I yawned again, thinking how warm I had been. I tried to remember what dream I was having. I looked up and saw Lyn was still standing there, even more wild and happy as ever. I started to complain to her that it was too early and stopped. That was it. My master was still asleep. Oh, the thought was far too brilliant. My eyes shined with glee and my body trembled in excited of a fast forming plan. I went over to my refresher and grabbed my water blaster that Mirmo gave to me. I showed Lyn my gun and asked her where we could get another. She paused for a second, grabbed my hand and raced out of the room. We went to a part of the temple that I had never been in, but full of all sort of droids, gun, lightsabers, and weapons of all kinds. She went to the far hand corner and dug around in a bin. After several minutes she made a sound of success and tossed me another water gun. So, that is where Master Mirmo got them in the first place. We proceed back to my room and filled the guns up. I went over my plan with her making some suggestions and headed back out of my room.

When we got to the knight's hall, we were careful to walk quietly and slowly. We each stood by the side of his door and she backed about ten steps away, or not immediately noticeable if you looked right out the door. I knocked three loud times and scurried back. We heard a soft grunt of Mirmo and then the footsteps to the door. I held my breath and tried hard to calm down. It would not do if he sensed my excitement. The door slide opened and it took all self control not to act. He seemed groggier than I was, and stood there for three seconds, not even looking. Could he move any slower? Finally he woke up enough to look around. Lyn and I gave a cry, aimed, and fired a strong blast of water at him for ten seconds before he backed into his room. We turned around and took the opposite sides of hallway, turning corners, and met back in my room. As we ran I heard, distantly and yet like he was right next to me, cursing us out, trying and failing to find his gun. I grinned, knowing we had won. We quickly dumped the guns and ran for the dinning hall where I knew my master could not dare enter with a water blaster.

As we sat down at one of the tables, it was too early for breakfast to be served; we talked about what we did and what went wrong. I got to the part of the story where Mirmo us out and couldn't find his gun. Lyn slightly titled her head in confusion.

"He did? I didn't hear that."

I repeated what he said to her and she still was confused, if not even more. I began to doubt myself and wondered if it was not my imagination.

"Don't doubt it. I'm sure you heard it."

I asked her how I could hear it, but not her. She asked me what he sounded like. I told her it was strange. It was like he was at a distance, or his voice was distance, not clear of defined. At the same time, it felt like a feeling of his words, a suggestion of his thoughts. I shook my head and wondered if I was going crazy.

"You're not crazy. You're hearing him through telepathy. It's a mind meld. You must have a strong bond with him to communicate like that. It's very rare for the bond to grow so fast. Normally, it takes months for a master and apprentice to be that close. You two are special"

I tried to deny it. I was never special. I was a no one. I had always been a no one. I never did anything worth knowing. I might have powers, but powers didn't make you famous, or rich like everyone thinks. If anything, powers that are not seemingly natural just make you weird and easy to ignore. Society doesn't like anything out of the ordinary, even if these powers are nothing to fear. As for telepathy, it took me several tries to come to terms. I had some experience with the ability to communicate through the Force, but never on this scale. At best, I could send to a Force sensitive knowing person, a thought like a color, a number, or a shape and they would clearly receive it. Receiving wasn't as easy, mostly because the sender was never that skilled. I wondered if Master Mirmo was aware of this bond and knew that he sent me that message. Maybe, he didn't know we had a link together or that his thoughts were open to me.

"Try sending something to him."

I closed my eyes, relaxed myself by taking a few deep breaths, and cleared my mind. I opened and gathered the Force around me. I pictured him in my head, as clear as I could, and send a tendril of the Force to him. I felt the connection. I allowed myself to become him for a second to strengthen the bond. I felt something through the bond, like awareness in him. Through the connection, I felt him feel me out and the surprise he had. Wow, I could feel his emotions to the exact degree. This was amazing. I needed to send him a message, something simple and easy to understand. I thought about greeting him, but that would be too hard. Then I got this great idea. I pictured the water gun and send the image, while clearly thinking the word to him. I felt an emotional reaction from him, but no words. It was like trying to speak underwater. I could hear "sound", but couldn't make out the words. I gave up and opened my eyes.

"Did it work?" 

I nodded in shock. It really did. This was truly amazing. I didn't know really how it was done, the exact science of it all, or even how to teach it, but I still was incredibly happy. This was so great, I could hardly believe it. I had wanted to do this all my life and I had just done it. In the middle of my happiness, I couldn't help, but notice the slight disappoint and sadness on Lyn's face.

Ch23

After a silent breakfast, Lyn and I split ways to our different classes. She was several levels above me, far enough to start helping the younger and newer students, which would explain her appearance that first time. There was nothing strange about my morning classes, except that Mirmo glared at me when he spotted me in his meditation class. He then demanded that I feel the Force in the whole hallway, an extremely hard task that involved a ton of focus and he wouldn't take excuses. I guess this was his way of getting back at me for his wake up call. At one point during his class, I tested our bond, carefully watching my master for any physical reaction. I sent the Force to him, not sending any emotion or thought, but looking for a response. If he noticed, he never showed it.

My Force class was strange in the choice of topic. The teacher talked about the mind and how the Force can be used. The lady, who told me off, still did not like me, but since I kept within her assigned limits and my master had told her what was going on, she didn't talk to me. She talked about how the Force can influence the mind, and how the mind influences the Force.

"The Force is a flowing river that branches out into little streams. These streams are the ties, the reasons behind so much. The human mind, conscious or not of this awareness, can have the tiniest effect on the universal energy, which seems so small, and yet have the biggest of changes on people, on society and of the world. There is no such thing as luck, but the directly flow of energy which effects and changes the odds of events to the will and want of a certain person or group. A Jedi who can read the future, does not read, feel, dream, or see a written one path, but is exposed to a thousand different paths and given one of the most likely routes of the upcoming future. Even reading the future may have already changed the winding path of time and have forever demised what the Jedi has seen. That is why no one should ever rely on that ability.

The Force, to come back to something simpler, is a special energy, created by all living and always dead mass. The Jedi are of the chosen through evolution, to be aware and use the Force. The energy between the Jedi is the rarest and least understood connections in the galaxy. There is a link, a bond, a connection between two well know Jedi, which is so powerful, it is said to be greater and stronger than love. The bond between a master and an apprentice is a valuable thing, more much precious than all the riches of the core planets. For those who have yet to be chosen as an apprentice, we will practice linking minds together, and perhaps you all will be able to send a thought or two."

With that lecture, she clapped her hands, waking everyone up, and splitting us up into pairs. I was paired with this skinny, tall that had an ego the size of a sun, boy. He looked at me shyly and I was pretty sure he had an instant crush on me. I had no interest in him, even though he looked something close to my age. I sat down on the cold, stone hard floor. He sat down, close to me and then moved even closer. I frowned and told him to stop. He looked at me innocently, like he didn't know what he had done wrong. That really annoyed me and made me want to slap him hard. I held back this temptation, not wanting to know what Master Mirmo would do to me if he found out and told the boy to focus on the task at hand before we got yelled at. I closed my eyes, relaxed and reached out with the Force.

"Hey, did you just touch me?

I counted to five, forcing a calming breath out of me before telling the boy curtly no. I sat up, closed my eyes again and restarted the mental preparation for this link.

"Should I link to you, or do you want to link to me? Personally, I think I should go first because I've had experience with this. I once linked to Master Skywalker and he noticed this. So, really, I should go first to let you know how it feels and then maybe you'll have a chance at doing this."

That boy was about three seconds away from getting a rude, painful slap. I worked up half a small grin and told the boy that a woman always goes first.

"Ok, I guess, but it is really hard and you're new, so you really should rethink this and let me show how to do it."

By the Force, this kid was a rude jerk who badly needed a lesson in pride. I refrained from lecturing him for ten minutes giving him the complete background of my eight hard years of training, which included plenty of practice with telepathy and mind connecting. Instead, I asked him to remain quiet as I focused. I stared at him, making sure he would stay quiet before closing my eyes.

For brief second I was lost in the ever so good feeling of the Force. I was the Force and the Force was me. I was life, I was the boy, I was the teacher, and I was the temple, the jungle, and the stars. I sighed in happiness and felt the slight downfall of disappoint when the blast of the Force winded down to the usual gentle stream.

"Miss Nightingstar, do please focus on the assignment."

ARG! What was it with everyone bugging me? How am I supposed to focus with all these interruptions? It is not my fault that I accidentally was open to a large amount of the Force. I didn't do it on purpose! Why did this lady hate me? I wanted to explode and scream out my anger, but I knew that wasn't the way to handle this.

I gathered the Force one last time, swearing I would give up if this didn't work, felt the boy' presence, search for his mind, and sent the Force to him. At first, I didn't feel any reaction from him and sent even more, not really caring if I overloaded him or not.

"Hey, you did it! I didn't think you would get it in the first time. That's practically impossible and really, you don't have any experience. Now, let me show you how it is really done properly"

I raised my eyes at him. Unless he had been trained before coming here, or was a genius at the Force, I doubt he could top my act. I took down all shields I knowingly had and left my mind open as much as I could. I felt the Force within him and the faintest touch of him. I waited for more from him, but that seemed to be the peak of his ability. I fought my own defense systems to not attack him and throw him out. He opened his eyes and looked at me with a smug smile on his young face.

"Now, see how it's done? I'm a natural at this, so don't feel bad that you didn't quite link to me as well as the teacher was looking for. Still, it was a good try."

I clinched my fists behind my back and let them relax. Lucky for that stupid, immature, bratty boy the bell had rung and I got out of the room like I was on fire. I sped walked to my room, thinking about how I was going to beat the stuffing out of my pillow. I was stopped in my tracks when I nearly bumped into Mirmo. I looked up to see the shining happiness in his eyes. I took a step back in panic, looking at him for any squirt gun he might be ready to pull out and continue the war. There was no gun in sight. I looked again and saw a strange smile on his face. I asked him what it was.

"There is a surprise waiting in your room"

Ch24

I eagerly rushed past Master Mirmo, to the door panel to open the door, but an arm held me back. I looked up at Mirmo, wondering why he wouldn't let me through.

"Before I loose you to an absurd hyper state that I may never be able to get you out of, I want to know what happened to get you so angry."

No no no, he couldn't do this. I was so close to finding out the surprise and he just had to fuss over something so stupid. I told him it was minor and then tried to press my way to the door. His arm was like steel and would not let me budge. I looked up and glared at him.

"Glare all you want, but that will not get you past me. I know you were angry and I know you have a temper. You also have a bad habit of holding in that anger, which is unhealthy, and not letting the anger out in a harmless way, which leads to you blowing up. So, to stop that from happening and you washing more floors, why don't you talk to me. Now, if the event was so minor, then why could I see stream rising off of your anger face?"

Why did he care? I wasn't angry anymore. What was done was done and there was no need to visit the past. I looked at the door and sighed, taking a step backwards. I told him about the stuck up egotist jerk in my class and how he was trying to show off.

"Did you say anything?"

No, I hadn't said anything rude, only to tell him to keep quiet.

"Did you do anything to provoke him?"

Once again the answer was no. I decided the boy wasn't worth telling off or showing off. I was just simply practice and turned out to be far better than him. It was just that boy got on my nerves so fast and so much.

"Karen, you have to stop blaming others. That is something your father taught you. Do not let the boy get to you. You have control over yourself and your nerves. Put a distance, a mental one, between him so he can let reach you like that. That does not mean a shield, but keep his remarks from hitting you. I want three meditative breathes from you and then you can come into the room."

I breathed in and out three times and looked at him expectantly.

"Apprentice, please explain to me the thought process for the breathing exercise."

Arg! Couldn't he just skip this whole thing, move, and let me in right now? I was dying in my own impatience.

"Impatience will only delay your surprise longe.r"

I wanted to match wills, battle, and fight and win his little game over me, but I couldn't. I knew I would loose. I told him I was suppose to clear my mind out of all thoughts, focus only on the emptiness of space and allow peace fill me.

"That is correct. You may proceed to do so."

I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly. I did the exercise five times, calming my spirit down. I opened my eyes to find my master standing by the open door of my room, letting me enter. I rushed in, taking the room in a glance, but saw nothing. I gave the room another glance, but to my disappointment saw the room held no such surprise. I looked back at the doorway.

"Go to your computer"

I did so, wondering what he had done to my computer that was so different. When the computer loaded I saw a window pop up. It looked familiar and it was only when I read the words "Firefox" with the icon, did I give a scream of pure happiness. I had the internet. I had gone about a month without a connection back to my world, to my sites, to my friends. I jumped out of the chair and gave my master a tight hug of a huge thank you. He had no idea how much I unconscious missed the internet. I ran back to the computer and started looking up all my sites.

"It took me and the tech crew two weeks to find and set this up, but when we did find it, I was amazed. Your description underestimated the vast power of your planet's communicate network."

Within five minutes I had found all ten of the major sites I wanted him to visit and explore. First, I showed off my wonderful, hand build site, showing him my articles, my knowledge, and my people. He was impressed and intrigued. I showed him all the sites I moderated and how big the Force community was. He seemed to be speechless by the sheer numbers.

"By the Force, Karen, there is an order of Jedi out there."

I shook my head and explained to him they were not Jedi, just people who were Force sensitive, exploring what the Force was and how to control it. I hesitated to show him more, fearing my last and biggest secret would be revealed at the wrong time. He seemed quite happy to take my seat and spend two hours reading and reading. I interrupted him to ask about our link. I told him what happened in the morning, asking if he was aware of it.

"I have been aware of a Force connect between us ever since I found you that one night crying, and at times I have caught an flicker of your thoughts, but no, I was not aware of you picking up my foul thoughts"

I asked him then why did it happen if he did not mean to.

"You must have opened up your mind to me and because my thoughts were directed to you, you caught them."

Oh ok. That would explain it.

"Would you like to try sending me a thought and seeing if I can pick up on it?"

I blushed and said he must have already be picking up on my thoughts, because I did want to try. He laughed and instructed me to close my eyes and focus on a simple thought. What was simple? I had to wonder, before my stomach growled, reminding me it was time for dinner. I thought up my favorite fruit, imaging the shape, the color, and the name. I send the image to him, to his mind.

"I suppose my starving apprentice is craving some muja berries. Why don't we go get some food and then you can spend time with Lyn while I carry on reading and understanding this internet of yours"

Ch25

Pain, embarrassment, guilt. These are the feelings that pound me. My father radiates a feeling of evil and to be feared. His voice is loud, his words are harsh. He has frowned from the moment he laid eyes on the temple. He scowls at all Jedi, muttering insults to them under his breath. He is always near me, surrounding me, overpowering me, consuming me in his hate. My heart rate skyrockets as he and Master Mirmo meet. I want to run. I want to cry. I beg my father to not do anything. I am screamed at, being told to shut up. I stare at the floor, wishing I could die. I flinch as my father tears my master apart, dissecting his ways of teaching, calling him soft, spoiling me, and ruining me. Mirmo says nothing, making me feel worse. I hate my father. Even here, so far away, he has hunted me down, criticizing all that I love, all that makes me happy. I can not be him and can never satisfy him.

It took me a second to realize why there were wet, salty streams on my face. I remembered the dream, the nightmare and burst out into tears. I cried softy in the dark, wishing the pain would leave me alone forever. There seemed to be no end to the past. I had a craving to get on the internet and then I remembered the internet connect crashed after dinner, causing my master to become very depressed and moody for that night. I searched my mind for other options to escape from the pain and fear. I decided to grab my music player and head out for an empty room.

After some dancing with the pain, fear, and anger, I felt my master touch me with his mind. I turned my head away, closed my mind to him, and moved to a dark corner of the room. I leaned against the wall, staring at the door, knew my master would enter that door soon. A few minutes go by before I hear the slight creek of the door. Mirmo walked slowly up to me, but stops a few feet away, respectful of the space my sore heart needs. Both of us are silent for a while. I gave him fleeting glances, unsure of what I want to do, to run into his arms and cry, or to disappear in the wall.

"You dreamed of your father again?"

I gave him a short look of pain and continued my study of the floor.

"What happened?"

I wanted to remain silent, not to ever speak the truth, not to be reminded of the pain, but I knew I would be made to talk and best to get it over with. I told him that my father came to the Parent Days, a two day event where parents of the students were invited to come to the temple and spend time with their children. It was a way to deal with any homesickness of the children and to help the parents cope with the distance between them and their child. I told him how my father came to visit and didn't approve of the school or my master. 

"What did you father have to say about me?"

I gulped and blushed. I told him that my father said Mirmo was weakening, encouraging me to become irrational and far too emotional. The Force was a load of batha poop to him and I was wasting my time here.

"You know your father will not come here. You are safe here. Let go of him. Face him and focus on your training, and you will waste nothing."

I shook my head and said I couldn't do it. I couldn't face my father.

"Yes, you can. Close your eyes."

Panic set in. I couldn't bare to envision my father. My breathing become shallow.

"Calm down. Take a deep breath and close your eyes."

Tears welled up in my eyes, my throat constricted. I trembled and sweated as I stood dead still. I couldn't do this.

"Karen-"

NO! I couldn't, I wouldn't. I would lose if I looked at my father again. I would break and shatter into a million pieces. My master was wrong. He didn't know what my father was capable of. I had to get out of here. I looked up, a wild look was in my eyes, my hair was drenched in my sweat. I started to run, but strong hands grabbed my arms, behind me. 

"Karen, you can not run every time you think of your father."

I wiggled, twisted and tugged, grunted, strained to get out of his grip.

"I order you to stop struggling apprentice!"

I refused to listen. I added more force to my movements, determined to get away if it was the last thing I did. He would not make me to do this. He started to force me to the ground, as to pin me. I lashed out with my foot, a move taught in class, and kicked him hard in the shin.

"I do not wish to harm you. I only want to help you."

It was too late for that. He was going against my will. One does not go against my will easily. I continued to fight him, forgetting what caused this in the first place. It was now who would win this fight.

"If you do not stop right now, I will be forced to stop you."

That fueled my anger and my need to fight harder. I tried to kick him again, aiming for his knee cap. He caught my foot, causing me to lose balance, falling flat on the floor. With one leg, he pinned my feet and with his left hand he pinned my upper back. His right hand was placed on my neck.

"Quiet."

My limbs went limp. I found I had no energy to move with. I could not fight back, but my spirit was still rearing and hyped.

"Shh. Go to sleep and dream no more."

I felt a blast of the Force, a strong will of peace and sleep came over me. My eyes closed and my mind became blank.

"Shh. Sleep my poor apprentice"

That was all I heard as I gave into the blackness of nothing.

Ch26

I woke up, sometime later, with the first light of the day shining through my window. My body was covered with a blanket and a cup of water by the side of my cot with a small note saying "drink and feel better". It was at the moment did I squeeze my eyes shut as a blinding blast of pain exploded in my brain. Images, feelings, and words rushed at me. I remembered the fight, the fear, and my master's last words before I was willed by the Force to sleep. I rubbed my forehead, trying to massage the pain away. I looked at the glass of water and became aware of how parched my throat was. I sleepily reached for the cup and drank the water in one gulp. I lay still on the mattress and without noticing, drifted back to sleep.

"Karen"

A voice that was near entered my head. I wondered who it was. I was not dreaming, nor awake, but my conscious floating in empty space. I felt nothing and found it strange. Where was I?

"Can you hear me, Karen?"

Who is it? Who would known my name? I reach out in the darkness, trying to understand this state plane. Had I left my body? Was I dead? There seems to be nothing around me. I am not cold or warm. I seem to have no body. What was going on?

"Wake up Karen"

I must be dead. I pondered this for some time, slowly feeling as if space and time were dragging me somewhere. The feeling was uncomfortable. Pressure, unknown pressure, was grow stronger, causing pain, making me want to scream, begging it to end, to STOP!

"Shh, it's ok, it's ok. Deep breaths"

I woke up. I was still on my cot, the blanket twist around my legs, my hair a tangle of slimy snakes on a damp pillow. A hand was on my forehead. I followed the hand, up the arm, to my master's face. Slight wrinkles of his face show me his worry, but a smile on his lips eased me.

"Be quiet for a minute. It will take some time for the drug to clear from your mind"

Drug? My master had drugged that water in the cup? Why would he do such a thing? I looked at him, silently asking the question.

"It was only to help with the pain and to keep your mind blank. You are not easily manipulated, my stubborn apprentice"

He reached over once again and touched my forehead. I felt calming, healing energy flow through me, giving me mental clarity and strength to sit up. When Mirmo took away his hand and him gave me one last look and nodded for me to sit up. I did so, trying to remember what had happened for him to give me pain medication. I stretched my limps and noticed the slight stiff and soreness. What had happened? Why did my master manipulated me? I shook my head, unable to recall anything. I caught my master intensely studying me for a second and asked him what was wrong.

"Are you hungry? Would you like to get some breakfast?

I slightly titled my head in confusion, aware that my master did not answer me. I told him yes and my stomach growled a confirmation. Master Mirmo smiled at me and went out of my room to let me shower and get dressed. When we were done with breakfast, my master asked me to wait a moment as he grabbed several pieces of fruit, some bread, and a canteen of my favorite juice. I asked him why he was getting all this food. Usually, the staff forbade the teachers and students to have food in the rooms, to avoid bugs and small animal problems.

"So we can have our midday meal during our walk"

My master seemed to be full of mysteries today. He had told me nothing about a walk yesterday. I shrugged and told myself to be glad that I was getting out. I had been rather moody and restless the last few days, a sign that I was becoming depressed, and knew a walk would cure this. I was also curious as to what was out in the jungle surrounding the Jedi temple. I am a nature person at heart and intensely connected to the living Force. The bond between me and the living Force is a survival one. Without being in contact with life, with plants and animals for a period of time, I begin to decline mentally, physically, and spiritually. In turn, I have a green thumb, and am a genius with small animals and fish. I have yet to fail to tame any cat I lay eyes on. I understand animals and animals understand me. Some people call it empathy or telepathy, but I know my understanding of live is on a deeper level than that. Perhaps, my master sensed my connection and knew I need to get out.

Our walk turned out to be quite a hike. Mirmo led me up and down hills, and at times had me climb hand over hand up slippery moss, following a stream that was moving rapidly. At the top of our hill, which was quite high, we came to the start of a waterfall. I inched my way to the edge of the wet rocks, feeling the cool spray on my face and bare skin. I looked down at the clear pool of water the fall had created. I sensed something moving behind me and turned to see my master run past me, take a flying leap off the hill, and dive, feet first, into the pool. I was surprised to find the pool was much deeper than it looked, for my master never touched the bottom. He rose to the surface with his robe floating beside him, grinning up at me.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

I deep a couple of deep breathes to steady my nerves before I dashed off to my certain death. I ran fast, off the hill, feeling the water and air rush past my face, and then hard slam of the water as I broke the surface of the pond. I sunk half way before swimming to the top, gulping air. I was shaking in pure excitement, grinning like a fool. My master laughed at me when I gave a yell of exhilaration.

"Race you to the shore"

I did not waste time responding, but madly kicked and stroked my way to the muddy grass to collapse on the shore, panting. Seconds later my master joined me in filling our lungs of deprived air. When we recovered, we crawled to a near by tree where the bag of food and towels had been previously placed. Mirmo handed me a towel to dry off and gave me some sweet, ripe fruit to hungrily devour. When I was done with the light meal, I laid in the tall, feather like grass, letting my mind wonder. Flashes of emotion raced through my mind and in one moment did I remember all that had happened the night before. I gasped and froze in shame and guilt.

"Something wrong?"

I looked over my shoulder at my master, relaxing in the sunlight. How could I tell him that I had kicked him and meant him harm last night? How could I explain to him that in a moment of weakness, I had briefly gone over to the darkside?

Ch27

My master looked so oblivious as to what was wrong with me. Couldn't he see and sense the fear and turmoil in me? Wasn't he worried about me? If he was, he kept a very straight, relaxed face.

"Is there something bothering you, Karen?"

I really didn't want to talk about this and if my master didn't know or didn't care to bring it up, I would follow his lead. I shook my head, took a breath to wash away the panic and said I had forgotten to tell Lyn I was gone for the day. It was a blatant lie, but if my master knew I was lying, he withheld that information from me. He slowly sat up from his bed of grass, taking in the warm sun light and I sensed that he decided something. What that was, my telepathy didn't tell me.

"Then come. We shall head back to your friend Lyn and let you do your studious studying"

The walk back was rough. He seemed to be testing my physical strength and endurance for he set a killing pace. We went uphill for what seemed to be forever and when I thought I could not draw another breath, we headed down hill. My muscles screamed mercy, but at least I could breathe. Sweat poured through my skin, soaking every inch of clothing I had on. I was a bit annoyed that I wasn't given time to enjoy my surroundings, to study and note the wildlife around me. I reached out to the Force a couple of times, but I could not decipher the true meaning in the subtle language of the life energy around me. I really wished my master would just slow down and give me this opportunity. At, the same time, I was too shy to ask, worrying he would think I wanted the break because I was out of shape. I did not want him thinking I was horribly out of shape. We made it back to the temple of half the time it should have taken us. When we did finally stop at the old stone blocks that made up the temple, I was sore, tired, and panting.

"You are quite out of shape my apprentice. I think it's time you were put in a harder physical exercising class"

I stared at him in horror.

"Oh, it won't be that bad. It won't hurt you to loose a few more pounds"

He poked me in the side when saying that, causing me to jump away and let out a slight giggle. He arched an eyebrow at my sudden movement.

"Hmm, you are ticklish"

Oh no no no. Oh, this was bad. This was a horrible weakness for him to find out. Oh, I was never going to live this down.

"So, what would happen-"

He poked me in the other side and I moved away.

"and here-"

Ekk! I took a few steps back and slightly growled at him. Silently, I was laughing at this game.

"Yes, my little fierce nexu"

I stopped growling at him and gave him a "I don't know what a nexu is" look.

"Don't you know what a nexu is?"

I told him no.

"It is a beast, one not to be messed around with, that is ten times your size. The nexu has long, sharp teeth along with huge claws, four legs with paws, and fur. The tail is longer then you. And you sound just like one"

I told him what a cat was, how they came in domestic and wild breeds and asked him if the creature was similar to a cat. He said yes. I asked if there were any nexus here in the jungle, but he said no. I told him, half jokingly that I would probably tame it until it was purring and nuzzling me. From the look in Mirmo's eyes, I knew he didn't believe me. I told him I am naturally good with animals and I have yet to come across a cat that couldn't be tamed by me. I could also tell my master wasn't going to believe till he saw me do it.

"Why don't you get some food and feed your nexu like appetite."

I asked him if he was coming. He always came, although I generally ate with Lyn.

"I'm afraid I have something to go do. I will leave you be for the rest of the evening"

Strange. I wondered what he had to do. He wasn't usually starving like me, but he never skipped a meal. Well, an apprentice doesn't question her master and I had to trust him to know what he was doing. Still, I wanted to know what was going on. I looked at him one last time, using all my abilities to look for a clue, but all I found a mental shield.

"It is not nice to go looking through other people's mind Karen. Plus, you will not find anything. Go get your evening meal."

With that, he turned to the opposite hall and walked away. There was nothing to do, but go to the dining hall.

Ch28

I was called to my master's room a few days later. I found him sitting in front of his computer, playing another cursing game of pazaak. I laughed out loud and asked him if he was ever going to learn.

"After I win the next game"

I told him he might go bank robbed for the millionth time before that happened. He looked as if he had something smart to say, but thought against it and signaled at the bed.

"I want you to lie down and start a short meditation. You are to clear your mind and be at peace. Let me know when you are done"

This was not entirely a strange request, but not a usual one. He did make me meditate beyond his class, especially if I was close to punching someone, or even looking like that such would earn me twenty minutes of mediation. The request was strange because I was not angry or up set. It had been a rather slow, calming day, and for the life of me, I could not think of why he wanted this. By the time, I knew better than to ask him such questions, for answers were usually revealed later.

I lay down on the bed, relaxing all muscles and willing my mind to settle into a clear, deep nothingness. For some unknown time I stay there, never quite truly letting go of my grasp upon reality or the concept of anything. I grew impatient, unable to understand why I was doing this and opened my eyes to stare at Mirmo.

"I see that you are done. Good. You may recall a previous night where your dreams disturbed you greatly. As I have said before, I only wish to help you. Since you seem unable to tell me, or even hint to me as to your troubled past, I have found another way to delve in your history with your parents. This will not be an easy method, or one that you will like, but I think it will give me a greater insight as to how I can help you. This method requires me to enter your mind and view your memories. I need you to be relaxed, and not only allow me to enter your mind, but to stay there until I am through. It is important for the safety of both of us that you do not panic for any reason. Remember, I will be there and they are only memories. They will cause pain, but they will only harm you if you allow them. Do you have any questions?"

I shook my head. He was right. I didn't like this at all. I hate people going into my mind, but there was nothing I could do. Master Mirmo was acting very formal about all of this and I knew he was dead serious.

"Then lie down, relax, and let me in"

I did as he asked. I felt his finger tips lightly touch my temples. The Force entered me and I felt him. I manually opened my mind, resisting my mental defense system, and allowed him to come in. It wasn't quite telepathy or empathy, but a combination of both from him, telling me to start reviewing memories. I picked an early one, going back when I was fourteen.

I was in the living room, close to my father, both of us steaming with anger. My father threatened to punch my teeth out, but that didn't scare me. We talked more and then he slapped me across the face. For a moment I was shocked that he had done such a thing, but recovered quickly to notice my father had gone to my room to take away my cd player. My mother, held my arm, telling me not to do anything. I was so angry, I went to my room. I tugged on my father, lightly hitting him, trying to get him to let go of the cd player. He wouldn't. Instead, he slapped me again across the face. Then, he forced me to walk back, a foot away from my bed. He angrily told me if I ever talked to him again like that (I still don't know what he meant) he was kill me. I was shaking, swearing I had wet my pants. He screamed at me if I understood that. I couldn't talk. He raised his hand in a fist, making it clear he would punch me if I didn't answer. I managed to stutter out yes and he left. The scar of that scene was so great, I couldn't feel the Force for a month, I was that scared.

The next remember was a few months later, when I was in the car, parked near the house.

My father wanted me to do some math problem in my head. I wasn't good at math and could barely do it in my head. My father got angry at me and screamed at me. That scared me, but made me think. I asked him why he tried to scare me. He told me a person thinks better when they are scared. That answer felt so wrong. My father knew nothing of the monster he was.

The next memory I wasn't sure of my age, but I knew I was a young teen.

I had spent several weeks angry, growing more and angrier. It seemed anything I did was never good enough. I was asked to trim the ivy. I had done so, but not good enough for my father. When he got home from work, he called me and started yelling at me for missing some spots. My temper flew and I half kicked at him. I made sure I didn't touch him, but I just wanted to do it so bad. That was a huge mistake. My father grabbed my hand, dragged me from the front of the house to the porch and twisted my arm behind my back. I screamed and screamed, knowing a neighbor was near by. My father threatened to break my arm if I didn't shut up. He yelled at me, telling me I should be ashamed of myself and left me to run to my room. My mom had been standing there the whole time. She came in a bit later, asking me if I thought my arm was broken. She said sometimes my father didn't realize what he was doing. I was too upset to realize how wrong her words were.

The next memory focused on my mom, several years later.

I woke up and knew something was wrong. I didn't have a clue, I just knew. I realized my mom was in the bathtub and it was late at night. What was she doing there? When she got out, I knew she was drunk. I huddled in my bed, too scared to move. I had never been alone in the house when my mom drunk. I heard her bump into the wall and somehow go into the kitchen. I prayed with my eyes closed she didn't end up walking into my room like the first, until now, only time. She didn't, but the crash in her room was so loud I jumped out of my bed and was at her door before I had time to think. I paused, not wanting to know what had happened. I didn't want to face this. The Jedi part of me refused to give in to the fear and I walked in. My mom had collapsed in the closet, holding a big bottle of alcohol. I came to her and tried to get her up, but she was too heavy. I put the bottle away, to deal with later, and waited for ten minutes before she got up. She went to the bathroom, telling me I should go to bed. I didn't say anything, but knew I wasn't going anywhere until she was in bed. I emailed my aunts, asking for advice. I found out my mom was snoring on the toilet due to my cat opening the bathroom door. I went back to bed, staring at the bathroom door, feeling pale. After some time, my mom did go to bed. I never did go back to sleep that night. The next night my mom had gotten drunk again due to my poor hiding of the alcohol. It was a rough weekend and it didn't help I was sick with a low fever. The memory fast forwarded to when my father came home and told me I shouldn't have told my aunts. It was none of the business. He seemed so angry at me. It was hardly fair. I didn't know what to do and I was scared.

I felt the gentle tug of my master leaving my mind and his finger left my head. I opened my eyes to find his closed and him taking a deep breath.

"Are there more?"

I nodded and then looked at the end of the bed. I felt pale and withdrawn. I hoped he didn't want to see any more.

"We will have to continue this later. I think we both need time to process this"

I nodded again, determined not to cry. I swallowed and shifted in the bed.

"If you want to be alone, I understand, Karen"

I said nothing and got off the bed. I silently left the room and slowly went to my room, to sit and stare at the wall, thinking nothing. I only broke my mindless stare when there was a knock at the door.

Ch29

I stared at the door, too tired, too numb to find the energy to say anything. I wasn't sure if I wanted company or not. I wasn't sure how I felt. My mind felt blank, empty, unable to form thoughts or feelings. I wasn't sure of anything.

"Karen, it's me, Lyn. Can I come in?"

Lyn. That name stirred something inside of me. Her name. She was a friend, a good friend. She liked me and seemed to care for me. She was not part of my past. I got up and walked, seemingly forever, to the door. The door slide open.

"Hey, how are you?"

I stood still, unsure of what to say. If I told her the truth she would want to know the whole story. I wasn't sure if I wanted her to know the whole story. She was a good friend, but I was not ready to confide her in my woeful tale. If I was not going to tell the truth, I would have to think up a very convincing lie.

"Are you ok? You look pale and troubled"

I shook my head and forced myself to think of something happy, to drive out the bad mood I was in. I smiled a bit too much at her, forcing myself to seem cheerful. I told her it was of no importance, that it had been a rough day, and asked her how she was and why she was here.

"I'm ok. I was in my room, lying around, remembering your room. I remembered the pictures on your wall and was wondering if you had drawn them"

I smiled at her in a natural way and told her yes. The pictures were of animals and landscapes, all in very fine detail. Some drawings took me minutes to quickly sketch; others took nearly an hour to get right.

"Can you teach me to draw like that?"

I asked her if she had any art classes or knew anything about drawing. She shook her head.

"No. Jedi don't teach that sort of thing and I never really wanted to try, until now."

I grabbed some paper, some pencils, and had us sit on the floor. The first thing I taught her was how to loosen her hand up. Most new artists are nervous and grip their pencil too tightly. They want to get the line and the shape perfectly the first time. I made her draw several quick circles, none of them looking very much like circles, but she did relax. I showed her how to sketch a circle, using little curving lines and to finally decide on which line to use to make the perfect circle.

"Wow, that's so cool. Who taught you that?"

I told her no one. I went off and on in art classes, getting bored with the teacher and what we were made to draw. I would take a year or two off, practicing and exploring what I had learn before I was ready for another class. I did a lot of self teaching, using drawing books for suggestions on subject matter. I actually did best when teaching myself.

"How do you make the drawings so realistic?"

I explained to her what shading was. I had her draw another circle and the pick the right or left side of the circle. She picked the right. Then, I had her draw a very small circle to the upper right of the first circle and label it "sun". I told her how light works. The further and dimmer the light, the less of a shadow the circle will have. Since her sun was pretty close, the light was strong and strong light makes strong shadows. The shadow will always follow the direction the light is shining. I switched topics to how to shade, showing the different shades one could make with a pencil. I showed her different shading techniques like cross hatching and stippling.

"There is so much to drawing! I didn't have any idea it was so complex."

That brought a smile on and I told her this would all come to be second nature with a lot of practice. I showed her how to use these different shading tricks on the circle. I illustrated the two different parts to shading anything. An artist has to beware of the shadowing within the object and the shadow the object makes. I showed her through shadowing one can define the texture of the object. The shadow of the object should closely, but not always, match the shape of the object. The shadow sometimes, depending on where the light is coming from and the strength of the light, will be tilted. I stopped there, worried I had taught her too much.

"Thank you so much! You are such a good teacher. You should ask Master Skywalker to let you teach an art class"

I blushed a bit and laughed. I told her no. Being a Jedi was about learning to use the Force, lightsabers, and how to protect the innocent. Art had no place here.

"But you're wrong! Art has a place here. Art would teach us to be more creative. You have an eye for the details of life and the big picture. I think the Jedi need more people like that"

I blushed harder at though words, unable to get myself to deny them. I said nothing to remain modest.

"Well, it's late and I better get some sleep for tomorrow. Thanks for the art lesson. I'll practice what you showed me"

With that, she left. I stood still, letting her words run through my mind. A certain proud happiness filled me. It was nice that someone though I belong here. My train of thought was stopped with the knock at the door. It was probably Lyn, who must have forgotten something. I looked around as I walked to the door. I saw nothing of hers. I access the door and saw my master standing there. I looked at him, full of surprise.

"May I come in?"

His voice was very respect, low, if not meek. His body was slightly hunched, as if he felt he did something wrong. He took a seat on my mattress and looked up at me.

"I wanted to check up on you. I am sorry for the pain I caused you early. I had no idea what you had gone through."

I told it was ok. I started every single fight. I never had control over myself. It was my fault for the punishment I got.

"Karen, no. No father should ever hit their child for any reason. He overacted badly. He lost far more control than you. I do not blame you and would never do so. Do no put blame on yourself when you do not deserve it. No father should have their daughter fear them the way you did"

I hung my head. I had some another thing wrong. There seemed to be no end to my wrong doings. It seemed I would never get through this.

"I promise you Karen, I will help you through this. I will get you through this pain"

I nodded slightly, swallowing threatening tears. The silence went on for minutes. He was embarrassed by my pain. I was trying to pull myself together for the both of us. He moved from the mattress to the floor and picked up the art.

"This is not your usual art. Looks like you were teaching someone how to draw circles. I gather it was Lyn"

Yes it was. I told him Lyn had come and wanted to learn how to draw.

"Hmm. You are a good teacher. Perhaps I should take an art class with you as my teacher"

He looked over at me, smiling. I stared at him. He was the second person in less then twenty minutes who wanted to learn to draw.

"But not now. I suggest you get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow in class"

Ch30

Vague dreams of swirling, misty, confusing feelings that were hazily fearful filled my mind that night after Mirmo had entered my mind. The dream content was nothing distinct and when I woke up, I could not remember what had caused me to break out into a sweat. I knew my sleep had been fitful and I had not gotten a good night's of rest. My body ached and slow moving. I felt as if I was starting a cold, but when I sent the Force through my body, I sensed nothing that would confirm this. I got dressed and sat sleepily at the computer, waiting for Master Mirmo to come for the morning meal.

"Karen, are you ok? You look pale"

I told him I was alright, slightly blushing at him noticing my strange condition. He put a hand on my forehead and rested it there for several seconds before withdrawing it. He studied me deeply before he moved out of the door frame.

"You look as if you did not sleep well. Is that true?"

I paused both in walk and in thought. I wasn't sure what had happened last night. I knew something wrong happened during my dreams, but the details escaped me. I told him no. He was not assured by this. We got our food and sat down to eat. I found I didn't want much. I nibbled at my food and sipped my drink without my normal hunger.

"Maybe you should go to the medbay"

I told him that wasn't necessary. I would be fine. I forced myself to look at him, grinning, trying to act more awake then I felt.

"Ok, but if you still look like this at my class, you will go straight there"

Unfortunately, that is happened to me. Every single teacher and many of the students noticed my sickly look. My exercising teacher asked me in the middle of the class if I would not like to go to the medbay. I politely told her I was fine. I could tell that I had not convinced her. During my Force class, the teacher who didn't seem to like me, told me to go the clinic because I could not concentrate enough for her. I stopped myself from glaring at her, but left her class without a word. She had a way to ruin any fun a person could have feeling and using the Force. I refused to admit there was something wrong with me, so I went to my room, skipping the mid day meal, and didn't come out until it was time for the meditation class. I looked in a mirror, seeing a pale, slightly haunted young woman staring back. I feared that my master would see this, so when waiting outside of his class, I made sure I was in the middle of a busy group, quieting my mind and presence in the Force, hoping not to attract attention to myself. I breathed a thanks to the Force when two students came up to Mirmo, asking a question about the last class. Master Mirmo did not notice me slipping into the class and sat behind the group. We were given a small talk about trancing and how that could be achieved starting with a meditation. Trancng, it turned out, could be used for various things, but for the class use, we were to do the meditation part of it. We broke up and got to work. I choose a different place to sit instead of my customary corner in the hopes of throwing Mirmo off. It didn't work.

"You still look terrible. If anything, you look worse"

I opened my eyes and felt his hand touch my forehead again. I felt him touch my mind and body with the Force. I tried to tell him I was alright. He interrupted me, talking in a very low voice to not distract the other students.

"Strange, the Force says otherwise and the Force does not lie, my apprentice. Now, you can quietly go to the medbay to receive a health check on your own, or I can stop this class so I can take you there myself"

This wasn't fair! I was just tired. There was nothing else. Why did everyone have to insist there was something else? Oh, I didn't want either of those choices, but I knew I had no third option. A sigh left my mouth as I told him I would go on my own.

"Good. Make sure you get there and not somehow to your room. When I am done with the class, I will come by to check on you"

I got up slowly, trying not to show the aches I felt in my bones. I quietly walked pass my fellow students and to the medbay.

"Oh you. You're…Karen right? Well, what is wrong with you?"

The healer on duty did not look too pleased to see me again. Her critical eye scanned me from head to toe. I meekly explained to her that my master sent me here for a health check.

" Hmm you do look rather pale. Any idea on why your master would ask this?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to tell her about last night or the previous day.

"Well then, go lie down on that bed as I get some things"

I lay down on the table she pointed to, nervously twitching. She came over with a scanner in hand. She pressed a few buttons and pointed the machine at me. I briefly closed my eyes. I opened them suddenly when I felt the Force touch me.

"Relax. I am just searching through you with the Force"

Relaxing was not an easy for me to do, but I tried to do as asked. She gentle touched my face, peering into my eyes.

"Have you been feeling tired lately?"

I thought about it and came to the realization; yes I had been more tired than usual. In fact, a week after I came to the temple, I seemed to have lost my hyper bounciness. I thought the calm and silence of the building was responsible to for this.

"Do you problems getting to sleep or falling back to sleep if you wake up in the night?"

Yes. Even at home, it could take me hours to shut off my mind and force myself to sleep.

"How long has this acme been like this?"

I blushed, highly aware how bad it had gotten. A lot of soap had helped it some, but it was still pretty bad. I always had bad acme problems and it seemed it get really bad if I got overly stressed. I was very grateful my master chose to ignore it. I told her a date which was about a week ago.

"Hmm, well I would like to rest here for a few hours"

I said nothing, but internally I didn't want to be here. I would sleep better in my room.

For an hour, I tossed and turned, unable to relax in the strange white cleanliness of the medical room. I was just turned over again when the healer came in.

"Can't sleep?"

I wearily told her no. I got the courage to ask if I could go back to my room to rest.

"I am afraid I need to keep you here for observation for a few more hours. If you want, I can give you something to help you sleep"

Something meant getting a shot, but I was starting to get desperate for rest and agreed to it. I turned my head and closed my eyes as she injected some drug into me. She put a blanket over and waited for sleep to claim me.

"Hello Master healer, how are you?"

"Oh, hello Master Mirmo. I'm good. Here to check up on your apprentice?"

"Yes, how is she?"

"Sleeping right now. If you want, I can wake her up"

"No, that will not be necessary. I came in to see what the matter with her was. She did not look well and the Force indicated something else, but she denied feeling ill"

"Yes, she said she was just tired, but a few simple scans show more"

"Is she sick?"

"No, not exactly. Her body is being pushed too far and straining. After questioning her, I found she has a mild case of insomnia, but even that should not be causing this decline in her health"

"So what is wrong with her?"

"I think, although without more tests and question I can not be sure, she is suffering from stress"

"Stress, huh?"

"Yes. Has she been eating very little or stuffing herself? Do you catch her always snacking on something?"

"She does like to eat big meals"

"That could be one sign. Those who are suffering from stress have strange eating patterns. Her acme is another sign"

"I thought it was just her age that was causing it. I had some pretty bad face problems during my teenager years"

"It's common during the adolescent, but it should be clearing up, not getting worse. Breakouts like her is another sign she is straining"

"Ok, I get your point. Now that I think about it, I think I can spot more signs. She is stressed. What is your recommendation on how to help her?"

"I am not her master, and it would helpful if I knew what was causing this. I suggest you try to get her to talk her problems and try to relax her as much as possible. See if you can get her to relax before she goes to sleep"

"That I can do. Do you think I could wake her up? Would it be wiser to let her sleep the drug off?"

"It might be best to be there when she wakes up"

Footsteps came to my room. I had woken up minutes before Mirmo came in. Through squinted eyes, I saw the door open. The drug still clouded my mind and kept my body completely still. I faintly heard my master sit down by side me. A sigh came from him. Pain and self guilt stabbed me. I should have seen these signs and realized what they meant. This was not the first time I had experienced them. Stress was a problem I battled constantly around my parents. I knew ways to keep the stress down, but it was hard to remember to do them. I told my master I was sorry. At least, that is what I meant. The medicine slurred my words.

"Karen? I didn't realize you were awake. Shh. Just be quiet for a while"

I was determined to apologize to him. I bullied my thick mind to focus on our link and sent through emotions a wave of apology.

"There is nothing to apology for my apprentice. If anything, I should apology to you. I did not think what sending you to the past could do to you"

My master had this all wrong. This was a war I had been fighting for a long time. I managed to force out the word "no" to him.

"I do not understand. No what? Last night was very stressful and is what caused you to fall ill"

Oh grr. Anger and frustration at my inability to clearly to communicate to him, flared through me.

"Do not be angry. That will only cause more stress. The healer wants to you relax. Breathe slowly"

I began to wonder who the thick minded one here was. A half sigh got out of me.

"That is right. Deep breaths. Breath out the anger and breathe in peace"

I did as he asked. The healer came in and looked at me.

"Aside from the effects of the drug, I think she will be fine. She should rest tonight and not do anything to excite herself"

My master thanked her and helped me out off the bed, out of the room, and to my room. He carefully lowered me to my mattress. My mind was slowly gaining control and my fiery spirit rose.

"So, how can I get you to sleep better?"

I told him I wasn't five. I could go to sleep on my own.

"Yet, the healer thinks otherwise. Would you like to hear a story?"

I told him I wanted him to leave me alone.

"Nope, I can not do that until you are asleep. I know, a good soft calming song should help empty your mind"

Oh no no no.

"Come stop your cry, it will be alright"

EWWWWWW! AHHHH! My master could not sing at all. He was so off key it was torture to my ears.

"Just take my hand and hold it tight"

I begged my master to stop. I grabbed my pillow and covered my ears.

"I will protect from all around you"

I threatened my master if he did not stop.

"I will be here, don't you cry"

That was it! I smacked my master with the pillow. He stopped singing in a moment of surprise. I held my breath, wondering if he was mad at me.

"Oh, so you think you can get away that?"

He grabbed my other pillow and hit me on my left side with the pillow. I thwacked him with my pillow and stood up to gain advantage of height. He was going to smack my legs when I intercepted with my pillow. We began to fight each other as if this was a lightsaber fight, only with pillows. Our fight traveled us away from my bed and out into the hallway. We only stopped with Luke Skywalker walked in on our fight.

"Master Mirmo!"

We both looked up, panting.

"Is this your idea on how to put your apprentice to sleep?"

I could tell Luke was trying very hard not to betray a smile while saying this. Mirmo looked at me with my eyes shining and my body trembling in excitement.

"Well, Master Sykwalker, I think my idea will work out just fine"

"I fail to understand how exciting her will get her to sleep"

I felt through our bond, Mirmo hint to me something he wanted to do. I nodded through the Force.

"That is because you-"

At that moment my master raised his pillow and I was half a second behind him. Together, we attacked Luke with our pillows. It was clear that Luke had earned his master title very much by kicking my master out of the way and grabbing my pillow, twisted it out of my hands, and Force pushed me. This all took about three seconds to accomplished, leaving me shocked.

Mirmo recovered quickly to grab his pillow and attack Luke. The two Jedi tore into each other, using pillows, neither of them able to knock the other person out. They seemed to be able to predict the other person's moves and dodge them, while coming back with their own attack. The fight was spectacular. I had never seen my master fight anyone and the show he was giving was inspiring. Eventually, they resorted to using the Force and less of the pillows. I watched in pure amazement as Mirmo was pushed hard with the Force, slamming into the wall and falling silent. His pillow went sailing and I managed to catch it. I was standing uncertain when Master Skywalker turned on me.

"You could surrender for him"

I grinned, knowing I was no match, and told him not a chance. With a cry, I attacked Luke, using every ounce of strength, skill, and speed. I ignored his hard smacks, calling on the Force to help me out. I avoided many of the attacks, but only the soft ones. A pillow was slammed into my gut and I fell to my knees, trying to remember how to breathe.

"We surrender. I think I've worn her out enough"

True to his words I unconsciously let out a loud yawn. Mirmo was slowly standing up.

"Ok Karen, get into bed and stay there"

I did not want to glare in front of Master Skywalker, but did look at my master pointly. I went into my room, changed for sleep, opened my door to tell my master good night and left the door slightly jarred to hear what the two Jedi were talking about.

"She is rather stressed. The healer wants her to get better nights of sleep. So- will you hold on one second? Karen, you have five seconds to get into bed, lay still, eyes closed, and pretend that you were asleep the whole time"

I raced, somehow managed to do all that and kept a straight face when I heard the door slide open.

Using every skill, empathy, telepathy, scanning, linking, and what ever else the Force would provide, I came to the conclusion that my master was embarrassed. He seemed to feel a bit guilty for letting me stressing out until the stress affected my health. He hid his embarrassment, by replacing it with a stubbornness I had never observed before. Every night he made me clear my mind out before going to bed. He refused to let me get too worried about anything and demanded several times a day to know how I felt. This new regime did not go over well with me. I understood and even privately thanked him for wanting to look after me, but he was pushing the limit of what I would tolerate. When he announced a week after the new intense meditations that he wanted me to take down all shields, I stood my ground and refuse to obey.

"Karen, this is no an option. I want all shield removed"

I looked at him with hard, determined eyes, shaking my head. I asked him why he would request such an order.

"Because you are still resisting me"

Gee, I wonder why? I was not one to be very open with her emotions and when pried into, I tended to close up even more. The more Mirmo pushed, the more I would resist. Why couldn't he understand that?

"This is for your own good. Now take down your shields"

I glared at him, wills silently, but powerfully clashing against each other. He would not make me do this. I had the right to keep my shields. If he could not respect that right, then he didn't need to train me.

"You can take this to Master Skywalker if you want, but you will heard the same speech from him as you have from me"

I was so angry, so offended by his tone, that I turned heel and marched up to Luke's office. I was steaming the whole way, full of certainty that I was in the right and my master was wrong. When the door opened, I experienced the world's quickest emotional drain. My internal strength left, my pride fled, my certainty crumbled, and doubt took its place. In a flash, I realized how childish whining about a simple order would make me look. I was being immature, unconsidered, and what is worse, self centered. Well, as I told myself, it was too late to back out now. Perhaps, good could come from this somehow.

"Hello Karen. How are you? What brings you to my door?"

With this new feeling, my voice seemed to wobble and my ability to form sensible sentences disappeared. I stuttered out I wanted to talk about something Mirmo wanted me to do that I disagreed with.

"Is that so? Well, take a sit and we will talk"

I entered his office which contained a wooden, elegantly carved desk, with a chair behind and in front of it. There was a book case full of various items, all related to the Jedi. I noticed a small stick, like a cane was on one self. I knew who once had that stick and mentally smiled. Even on this remote, hot jungle like planet, I could not escape him. I sat on the edge of the wooden chair. I didn't want to be here anymore. I knew was in the wrong.

"So what did Master Mirmo asked you to do?"

Take down my shields. That answer refueled my anger towards my master. The emotion wasn't a fiery, must get back at him, feeling, but a simmering this isn't fair feeling. I raised my head, once again knowing I stood a fighting chance of overruling my master's unreasonable order.

"Did he tell you why he wanted you to do this?"

I didn't have a direct answer that my master explained to me, but I was bright enough to know why. I told Luke that he wanted to search through my emotions. I felt this was an evasion of my entitled privacy.

"I would hardly call it an evasion. I think he is doing to it help you. I recall that Mirmo took you as his apprentice in order to help you. He told me you were suffering from a childhood of parent abuse, from your father I seem to recall. The day of our pillow fight he told me of how you were physically suffering from the stress. You have been hiding yourself and your emotions from him and all Jedi. This is not healthy for anyone, especially a Jedi. To hide is to lie. A Jedi does not lie to anyone. A Jedi does not lie to herself either. When you hide your emotions from him, you trespass on his ability to trust you. If you can not be trusted, then he has to tighten your freedom of privacy. Perhaps, if you willfully do as he asks, you will heal and when you heal you will regain his trust. It is done in order to help you"

I blinked and then once again. This was not an answer I was expecting. The thought of Master Mirmo not trusting me hurt deeply. I wanted to say that I trusted him with all my heart, but I could not bring myself to that lie. If I trusted him, I would not be here. I would have not let myself get in this position. My mood fell. I could not trust a Jedi. I could not trust anyone. Trust was a hard thing to give. Time after time I gave trust and found people would use it, ruin it, and never give it back. I learned not to trust anyone, to always put a distance between them. It was only for my protection. Things had changed. I was with people who lived a life of honesty. I lived with people who truly wanted to help me and never cause me harm. Why could my heart not see that? Why couldn't I open myself to Jedi. I looked up and saw Luke knew all of this.

"Please give him a chance."

I silently, humbly nodded.

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

I shook my head. I needed to go back to my room and think about this.

"Then I have one concern I would like to discuss."

I slightly tilted my head in confusion. What had I done wrong?

"No, you have not done anything wrong. I just want to know how you know Maser Yoda."

I tried to swallow, but with a dry mouth there was nothing to swallow. My eyes darted around the room, to the floor, to Luke's face, back down to the floor, over the walls, and finally to the bookcase, where the sane laid. Curious, I asked Luke if that cane really once belonged to Master Yoda.

"Yes…but that will not get you out of answering my question. How did you know him? He died before you were born."

Again my eyes roamed the room. I couldn't answer that question truthfully and I had just been given a lecture on Jedi honesty. To give the true answer may ruin carefully laid out plans of fate and future. Besides, I wasn't sure if I had the permission of certain individuals to honestly answer. Instead, I told Master Skywalker that while he had my complete respect, I could not answer at this time. I involuntary tried to swallow again, still with no success. I silently prayed that Luke would respect my wish and not pry further into forbidden grounds.

Luke, with his intense blue eyes, searched me much like he did during the council meeting. I vaguely felt his presence brush against my conscious. I mentally stiffened, trying desperately to resist the urge to throw him out. Seconds, or possibly hours past before he withdrew from my mind. What had he seen? Did he discover my secret? I searched his face, calling upon all Force abilities to help, but he hid himself well. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do. It was all up to him.

"That is all. You may go now if you nothing else to say"

So it was done. He did not seem angry or happy, but possibly a bit disappointed. A twinge of guilt shot through my heart. It was hardly fair for me. It wasn't like I had a choice in this. I wanted to tell Luke of my grand, glorious secret. It was a secret that brought boundless wonder, excitement, and joy, but without permission, I could not tell him. When Luke could be finally told, I was sure he would understand my reasons for withholding this information from him.

I wondered the halls, slowly in the direction of my room. I had no real plan as to what to do. I was moody, in a foul mood, and terribly anti social. I discovered I was brooding again, something Master Mirmo was heavily against. I sighed, remembering why I even came to Luke. Mirmo would be happy, I would not. He now had complete right to do whatever he wanted with me. I shuttered at that thought. No being should have control over another like that. It makes it too easy to abuse the right. That is what happened back with my parents. They felt they had the complete right to do anything they wanted with me, no matter what it did to me. I could only hope my master understood the power and responsibility he held in his hands. Perhaps, if I just did as my master asked, all of this would get over as quickly as possible, saving my ego and pride. Of course, that went against my basic belief of life. I lived a life of rebellion, always looking for a way around the rules, without getting caught. I fought for a life of freedom, of choice, and the right to enjoy myself. To give in, to do as order, to obey the rules, would mean to give up what was rightfully mine. How could I know if I obeyed Master Mirmo's orders, I wouldn't loose that freedom? The question tore at my heart, tearing me in pieces.

"Hello Karen"

Curses filled my head. Why did he always just have to appear when I was thinking about it? Oh this stupid link. It ruins any privacy a girl might want.

"So, what did Master Skywalker have to say?"

Oh, that son of a sith who is related to Jabba the Hutt's cousin who-

"Careful, my dirty mind apprentice. I hear the mop calling your name"

Shot and ate his mother and was proud enough to brag to the entire galaxy.

"You must really like the smell of the floor cleaner"

Ok, so cursing him out wouldn't help the situation, although it did fill full my angry need to vent. I told him that Skywalker requested that I do as ordered.

"I thought so"

A smirk was on the edge of his mouth. I knew he was dying to tell me "I told you so", but he held back. I poked him in the ribs, just out of spite.

"Hey, what was that for?"

I smiled sweetly and told him he wasn't the only one that could read minds and emotions. We ended up chasing each other, poking when we got a chance, down the hall and into my room.

_I walk a lonely road  
The only one that I have ever known  
Don't know where it goes  
But its home to me and I walk alone_

I walk this empty street  
On the boulevard of broken dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone,  
I walk alone,  
I walk alone,  
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me,  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating,  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me,  
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line   
That divides me somewhere in my mind  
On the border line of the edge  
And where I walk alone

One, two, three, four, pivot. One, two, three, four, pivot. Back step, followed with a forward step, stop, one, two, one two three, turn right, stop. Back cross with left, stop, balance, spin and one, two, three, four.

"An interesting song with interesting moves"

One, two, stop, turn and look. Master Mirmo stood at the door way of a sparring room I was using to dance in. I crossed the room to turn off the music, good thing because the song almost got to the curse word, something I didn't feel comfortable with my master hearing.

"I gather you are feeling alone with the phrase 'I walk alone'?"

I shook my head. It was hardly that. The song, in my opinion was about being a loner and not needing to depend on others. I danced a proud dance to that song, for to me, it was about inner strength. Yet, at the same time, the person hinted that while they wish to be alone, at times they want someone to be close to them is distance and relation. I tried to explain that to my master. He turned over the idea silently for a few minutes and nodded.

"As long as you don't use the song to express any depression or anxiety, then I see no harm"

I bit my lip. The truth be told, I was using the song to express a certain emotion that was eating its way through me. Though, if I told Mirmo, I would be thoroughly questioned in ways I was sick. I smiled a bit, looking innocent, hoping he would drop this and change subjects.

"So, how are your classes coming, besides my meditation class, which you will be happy to know I see you are progressing in?"

My face fell and my fake smile faded. This was hardly the topic I wanted him to switch to. The real trouble with me was there was a lightsaber test in two days time that I had to pass if I wanted to advance in my training. These practical tests always made me ever so nervous. There was no way to fake my way through it, somehow showing I knew more than I really did. I either could do the moves or not. Furthermore, I would be at the mercy of the teacher, who did not seem to like me or dislike me, giving me no advantage. This was our first test, so no one knew anything about how it would proceed, leaving me uneasy and unprepared. I had practiced during class, and while not the worst in the class, I was not the best either. There was no way to know what the standard of the passing level. So, out of frustration and falling of nerves, I came to the sparring room to dance the feeling out.

"Karen?"

I shook my head a bit, clearing out my distracting thoughts. I had to think of something quick, before he realized I was hiding from him.

"I know that look. Might as will spill it before I go looking for the true answer, in a way you will not like"

I grimaced. He was referring to reaching into my thoughts and looking for himself. We had come to an agreement over the last week to not go into my mind unless I was lying or trying to hide something. If I would respect his requests, he would respect my request of privacy of my mind. A sigh escaped me as I tried to gather my thoughts and emotions to explain the situation to him. My master was patient enough, willing to give an encouraging nod now and again when I painfully paused. I still had trouble sharing my emotions to him when I didn't want to in the first place. He came close to me and put a kind hand on my shoulder, looking pleased with me when I finished my tale.

"Thank you for being open and honest with me. It warms me so to know you are able to do this"

A blush came to rosy my cheeks. It was stupid of me to give him such trouble over a nonsense matter. Tests were not of my strength and to be offered help was something I should thank him for.

"I will have you know you are not the first to sweat a lightsaber test. I remember Luke testing my group. I spent hours before hand endlessly practicing both mentally and physically the moves that would be required of us. I will not tell you how it ended yet, but let me assure you, you will do fine. But, for nerves sake, go over your moves here, in front of me, and let me judge you and offer a tip or two"

I went slightly pale. He had never been to any lightsaber class of mine and I was not use to him watching me practice. I grabbed a sparring stick, for no one was allowed to use a lightsaber yet. This test would prove us trustworthy enough to be given a lightsaber or not. I took a step into the center of the room, took a breath, raised my stick and began.

"Well, you should pass, if you do that during the test. Now, I think we can improve those moves. First, you need to think about what you are doing"

I relaxed my shoulders and arms. I took a heavy breath. I went through all the basic moves we had been taught in class, the ones we would be tested on. I mentally went through the moves in my mind.

"Good, now do them again"

I went through each of the eight starting points, swinging the stick in various directions. I looked up once done, at Mirmo, trying to read his emotions. His face was impassionate mask that evaded my light scan. He voice failed to hint what he thought.

"The problem here, is not you knowing the moves, but you have yet to convince me that you are truly fighting and not just swinging a stick"

I opened my mouth a bit and slumped my shoulders. That was hardly fair to say! After all, I was swinging a stick. Then, without a single warning from his body or mind, he called a sparring stick to his hand with the power of the Force. I found the gesture one of high fascination, enough inspiring awe to keep me distracted and not move as he quickly and smartly smacked hard on the meat of my left arm.

The short, painful attack brought me out of my awe and into a world full of shock. This was not the master I knew minutes before. Before me was standing a man I hardly knew. His body was tense and rigid, ready to react to anything. His weary eyes darted and swept the room around him, taking in all. His legs where a piece apart, light on his feet, slightly bending his knees, ready to jump aside or deliver a powerful kick. He held the stick close to him, hands gripping tightly at the bottom at his waist, slightly angling the stick to cover most of his upper body. His back was straight, but still flexible. I sensed intense waves of the Force, searching the room where his eyes could not, roll off of him. A calm alertness came off him like a strong smell. What was before me was a warrior. The peaceful, laid back meditator was stripped away to a cold, no nonsense man who radiated the overwhelming feeling of do not mess with me.

"Defend yourself"

With that, he attacked me again, using a quick left right, I later recognized this as a distraction, and hit me hard on my right arm. The strike was jolting enough to cause me to drop my stick and give a moan of pain.

"Defend yourself, apprentice"

Again, he attacked, bringing his stick around to his right upper shoulder, and was going issue a low strike to my left hip. I ignored and push aside the pain, quick to move back and side step to my right, avoiding the attack. He once again brought his stick to his right shoulder, if to repeat the same move, but as I was stepping a backwards left, he switched his angle and caught me on the upper part of my right arm with an over head swinging move. This blow was softer and somewhat slower. I froze and look up at him.

"Defend yourself with your sword"

As I bend over, keeping learned an eye on him and his deadly stick, I felt heat rise to my cheeks. One should never let go of their sword for any reason for it leaves you incredibly vulnerable to any attack. Plus, a Force sensitive can Force grab your weapon, leaving in their mercy. What was worse was I knew this. This was a mistake that even a novice should know better. I would have to increase my pain tolerance or learn to numb the pain while in battle.

I stood up, back straight, tense and uncomfortably stiff. I have never battled a person before, knowing nothing of what to do or what to expect. What few moves I knew and common sense ideas were no help when faced with an experienced fighter. It did not help the situation that I was fighting my master, eager to do well, yet embarrassed by my lack of talent and skill.

He attacked me again, using a short, swift stroke from the lower right, using just one hand. I clumsily, with slow, unused reflexes, to bring my stick to stop him from bruising my thigh. The move was too late, too unthought-of out to possibly do more than spend precious and much needed energy. My leg weakened with that blow, forcing me to favor it and lean to my left. Mirmo took advantage of my distracting pain and whipped out another blow to my calf, causing me to stand on my right leg, hopping around like a drunken fool, using the foulest curses I knew.

"When you are hit, say on your leg for instance, that is the place you want to protect the move, seeing how it is easiest to strike again. Never let pain get in the way of your life. Pain should only encourage you to work harder to protect yourself when engaged in a fight"

I lowered a throbbing leg down to the ground, dropping my stick as a sign of giving in. I nodded, showing that I was listening, but focused on slowing my mind and breathing, to calm raging nerves and a hammering heart. I rubbed various arms and legs, easing the pain away.

"When you present your skills for tomorrow's test, remember this and execute them as if they were being using against me"

I moaned a bit for a respond. I sensed, although did not see, a smile form on my master's face. He put away the two sticks, then lowered himself a bit and offered a hand to help lift me up from my humbled position. I took it, leaning heavily on my right leg, and slowly walked to my room to nurse a painful body.

Sometimes my dreams did weird things. At times, I could redream of a dream, or be aware that I was dreaming, change a dream that was going in the wrong direction, or even continue a dream. My dream that night was a continuation of the last nightmare.

Mirmo says nothing, making me feel worse. I hate my father. Even here, so far away, he has hunted me down, criticizing all that I love, all that makes me happy. I can not be him and can never satisfy him.

My father grows angry at his silence. My father continues to spit out words of loathing disgust towards my master, aimed at him and at the Jedi. My father takes a menacing step forwards to Mirmo. I feel my father's anger like a boiling rage, threatening to overspill into violence. I coward in the dark corners of the room, as I silently beg my master to do something. Mirmo keeps his tranquil, polite glaze steady on the insane man before him. Out of loyalty and desperate dread, I step out of my fearful hunch, to give a warning to my master. My father, filled with madness, turns around and swings a powerful slap across my face. I am forced to the ground by the impact of the hit. My face stings with humiliation and shock. Mirmo finally takes a step forward. My father whips out a gun, not a blaster, and shoots my master in the chest. My master stares blankly at the hole, now dribbling deep red blood. I scream in angst and denial my master's name.

I sat up, my blankets have been kicked half across the room and the pillows were scattered around in my bed. My throat is sore from the scream I gave that woke up me. Sweat drips down on my face, stinging my eyes. I can feel the hair on my neck straight up as I become aware of my shaking hands.

It was just a dream. That couldn't happen. My father wouldn't kill anyone. Or would he? He had been in the army. He had killed in the army. He had threatened to kill me before. I forced a racing heart to slow down and regulate my breathing enough that I could feel the Force. I extended my mind, picturing my peaceful dreaming master, to him, feeling the soft reinsuring presence. It was just a nightmare.

I looked at the time to find I might as well get up. I headed for the shower to clean up after that sweat bath and to wash away the vivid visions full of strong emotion out of my head. I focus on the spray and the welcoming heat to clear my mind out. This was not the day for nightmares or stress. Today was all about getting pass this lightsaber practical exam. Today was the worse day to loose my nerves. I needed all the focus I could get. My thoughts wondered back to Mirmo, trying to understand how he could fail to stop the bullet that was a sure death. Did he not believe me? He did underestimate the rath and power anger of my father? Did he so honestly believe that peaceful meditation wins all? I shook my head to shake the doubts out of my head. Again, I reminded myself today was not the day for such thoughts.

Stepping out of the shower, drying my long, brown hair, I wondered what I should do in my time before classes started. I could go talk to Mirmo, but perhaps it was best not to talk about this and not start up calmed down fears. I could go find Lyn and hang around her, but our relation had grown enough she would pick up my mood and ask questions I didn't want her asking. It was best that she was in the dark about my reoccurring nightmares. As far was I was concerned, she didn't need to trouble herself with my pity past. The burden was mine to bare, though my master stubbornly protested against this.

Then I thought of what to do. Go outside. Go where there is natural peace. Go where no one can bother you or would look for you. Go outside and heal.

I took a deep breath, as much as my lungs could take, of the morning dew, of crunching grass and leaves under my feet, of the smells of millions of animals, and of the perfume of wild exotic flowers. It was the smell of the living Force, a smell I could keep smelling for eternity. I opened myself up to the full span of the Force, losing my identity, mind, and personality to the conscious of the Force. For a moment, I forgot about I was standing, slightly sweating in the heat of the rising tropic sun, and was only aware of the universal at large. But, this was only for a few seconds and my attention dropped back to the ants that had decided to climb up my legs and onto my hands. I shook them off and began walking.

I did not far because I did not want to lose sight of the temple, not knowing how to get back if I did. There was no need to go far anyhow. The various plants were of so many colors and different shades, I was sure I could find a new color no artist had ever used. There were glimpses of wild life, mostly small, darting birds and rodents, to catch the swish of a tail or heard the rustle of leaves when the birds took off. The jungle was alive with the sound of music coming from the birds whistling, creaking, and barking out their song of mating or demanding food. One could heard the distance howls and answering cries of packs hunting breakfast. I looked up to see darkening grey cloud pre told the promise of a rainy day. The clouds where low, covering a great amount of land and slow, like an evil presence slinking sneakily to siege control and ruin all hope of light. I shivered, being reminded of my dream.

I headed back to the temple, not so much for the rain, but because my stomach demanded with rude growls that I feed it. I found my master waiting outside of the dining hall. His questioning face told me he knew of my little stroll and knew there was a reason why I could take it so early in the morning. I was not about to retell of my disturbing dream, so instead I smiled, brightening up my presence, and cheerfully greeted him, asking how he was. His eyes narrowed as he greeted me back and said he was well. He followed me into the room, starting to fill with hungry Jedi. I knew I had only briefly avoided being questioned, knowing I could not escape him the whole day, but glad he decided not to drill me now. As I ate, I begin to prepare myself for the up coming test, one I would glad just to get over.

Master Mirmo was the first of the knights and masters to take an apprentice from my class of students. He took me much earlier than anyone else, and as I hear some say behind my back, too early. There was a huge mountain of mystery about us. Students wondered why he took me. I constantly caught students, and even staff at times, studying and analyzing me, as if they were trying to understand the clouded history of me. The buzz of talk concerning Mirmo was clear that even knights and masters that had been part of Mirmo's class, could not understand why he choose me, especially after refusing to take an apprentice for so many years. There seemed to be equal amount of mystery in the subject of me. No one knew me, for I didn't talk very much and turned stone cold silent when I sensed a pryer. Even Lyn didn't know too much about me. She knew of my personally, my unpredictable hyperness, my ever so fast changing moods, and of my talents, but she was excluded in my history. She was the only person that didn't mind not knowing me fully. To be fair, I didn't know much about her and it was understood that I didn't need to know. Our friendship was strong and steady enough to respect each other's need for privacy.

It was other training that I received on Earth that had taught me, though it was not meant to, to ignore being looked at or knowing people were trying to look at me without being noticed. I had learned enough self control not too blush, not to let my heart race, and fumble around, but to act as though I was blind to their stares of wonder and continue my every day life. Privately, I found the looks annoying. There was nothing special about me. I was a no one. Back at my home planet, I was one in billions, just a number with no name, no money, no power or fame, and no reason for anyone to give a care about me. This unasked for attention brought confusing messages of who I was and what I should think and do.

No one knew, with the exception of my master, the only Jedi I confided in my troubles of new given interest among people I didn't know, how much of relief it was for the attention to turn on the new chosen apprentice. I was sick of awkwardly avoiding people's same questions on a weekly basis and hiding in strange places to escape wondering eyes. It was now my turn to do the staring on the new girl, a tall, skinny with bright flaming red hair, and try to understand why she got picked. She seemed a bit pushy for my tastes, a bit more on the bossy side that I was, with less consideration that almost extended on to the side of rude, when she was around people. Unlike me, she was surrounded by a group of adoring or pitifully jealous girls. She had a loud voice that carried her commanding presence. She was picked, well, I guessed, for her skills in the Force and leadership. Her master was not quite so pompous, but the master gave me a new appreciation for Mirmo.

We were all standing in the matted floor with gleaming white walls of the lightsaber training room, nervously chatting to each other, with a few who were going over moves minutes before the test. As usual, I stood a pace away from the group, radiating my normal "leave me alone" feeling through the Force and by the position of my after turned back. The conversation predictably turned to the new apprentice, wondering how one attracts a master and if should one find the courage to ask, or to summon the patience and hope to wait for the master to ask the student.

I was nervous about the test, but the fight the night before had struck some confidence in me, as well as purple, swelled bruises. My mind accidentally turned, in attempt to stop worrying over the next hour, about the night before. Images of my father whipping a gun out and pulling the trigger, my scream over the boom of the gun shot, and the blood running down my Master's chest, brought back the fear I had felt earlier. I squeezed my eyes shut, mastered my brain, and focused on absolutely nothing behind my eye lids. I quickly opened my eyes, glancing around to see if anyone had picked up on my brief moment of panic. Not even my master, who was standing next to the new master, had moved from his stance. I breathed a thank you to the Force.

The room went deadly silent in fear and respect when the lightsaber teacher walked in. I saw the worried or anxious looks in my fellow students, and keenly felt their emotions, as well as my own. The teacher greeted us and bowed her head to the knights in the back, before starting her talk of how the teat would proceed. When our name was called, we were to pick up a stick from the rack, bow to her, bow to the students, and begin the drill we had been taught. We would be tested on our skill at executing the moves and our memory of the order of the moves. We had already been told this, but I could tell people needed to be told that once again.

I had thought she would call us in alphabetical order, leaving me in the middle of the list, able to watch others make the first mistake, but I was wrong. I was given quite an unpleasant shock when I heard my name being called first. The students parted, leaving me a path to step forward. With trembling hands I took the stick and stepped into the open space. It was in that moment, that I knew how to do the test. I remembered the night before, the grace of my master, the sureness of his moves, and how he was careful not to waste energy with personal flare.

I bowed twice; purposely not looking at my master, worried it would ignite my fear all over again, and raised my right hand. I remembered how my mastered used the high right shoulder angle to begin an attack. As I moved the stick to my waist, I remembered how he lowered his hands down to that level. I moved my hands to my right hip, with the tip of the make shift sword pointing to the ground. Mirmo surprised me starting that low. I maneuvered the stick between my legs, imaging a blow that was meant to cut a person in half. I mirrored my right hand stances with my left hand, though not with the same skill, seeing how I am right handed. I mentally shuddered when I brought the stick over my head, knowing it was an ultimate mortal strike and then pulled back the sword and lunged, as if I was going to stab someone in the stomach.

With still, planted feet, I swung the stick, with only a whisper of wood passing through air. I envisioned the pervious fight, copying the style Mirmo had displayed. I used his courage and subtle fierceness, without dark anger, in my moves. I went through eight different swings and then repeat one, twisted my wrists and mirrored it. I carried out several more moves before ending the test with a mandatory bow. The students clapped for me as I carefully looked at the teacher for approval. Her face said nothing and she held herself in so I could not read her in the Force. I slightly shrugged, figuring she would correct us at the end. I quickly sat down, breathing deeply, trying to calm my racing with nerves mind and heart. I could only hope I did well enough to pass.

There was one advantage of going first and that was you didn't have to wait, wrecking all nerves, for your name to be called. The worst part was you got to see everyone not make the mistakes you made and groan because someone performed better than you and there was nothing you could do about it.

There were three people that stood out in my mind as I watched them go through the moves. The first person was the new apprentice, named Irini. She stuck her head up, refusing to show any nervousness, though she could not hide it from my Force sense. She bowed shortly and quickly to the teacher, us, and her new master, Deila Cobral. I silently cursed at myself for not thinking to bow to my master. Perhaps, because Irini was only a week new with her master, she was still trying to gain the respect from Master Cobral. I carefully watched her moves. She went through them ok. She had clearly practiced them, but she had no grace or anything to write home about. She ended the show with a quick bow and promptly sat down. I turned my head around to observe her master nodding in approval to her. There was a sharp nudge in the Force as Mirmo grabbed my attention. His glare and unhappy features said all. He clearly did not approve of me spying on the new master and apprentice team and titled his head to indict I was to turn my attention back to the class.

After a few students went, one young man, about the age of nineteen stood up. His posture was of assurance. His walk was slow with a natural grave. The highlights in his hair caught to dappling sunlight, turning his brandy brown hair into a deep red. His blue eyes were deep, sensitive, with maturity and conscious for himself and others. The students politely parted for him, the comments died down. He looked around as he walked, making eye contact, communicating so powerfully and yet without the Force. Bright hopes and whispers of good luck sprang up around him. He inspired goodness in people and he was a natural leader. Here was my dream, my crush, my day dream ideal date taking his place for the test. His name was Roan and I thought it was the most day dream name of all.

There was just one thing wrong with my perfect man. Roan was horrible at lightsaber skills. His hand slightly shook. He didn't bend his knees when he was suppose to and then stood straight as unbending stick during the times he was suppose to lower his center of gravity. Roan could barely remember to bow and even that simple movement was almost too much for him. The cool, self assured person I laid eyes on a minute before had been replaced with a seemingly young boy, sweating nervously, hands shaking, eyes darting, showing he was struggling to remember what came next.

"You may begin Roan"

Roan looked up at the lightsaber teacher and gave a quick nod. One, two, three, pause. He was at a downward angle on his right when he paused. He took a deep breath which steadied the stick and went on. Four, five, six, seven. Now, just for that last stab and he would have completed the first part of the test. His stick wavered again. Oh come, Roan, I knew he could do this. I saw him in class do the simple move without trouble. He jerked the stick back; I cringed at his lack of grace, and stick the pretend sword forward. Mirmo would have easily blocked and carried the blow to the side, leaving my beautiful Roan open for the merciless attack of my relentless master. All he had to do was the slashes and he would be done. He brought the sword up and I heard the good sound of the sword quickly running through air. He repeated the motion again. I wanted to slap him for forgetting to repeat the move on the other side of him. Roan bowed and sat down, looking around. The crowd was a mixture of smiles and strange looks as they tried to hide their disappointment. I looked at the ground. Well, perhaps my Roan, who I had already spent many an hour studying, learning what I could through the Force, needed my tutoring and that way learn more about me.

I was forced away from my thoughts went the last student stepped to the testing area. I groaned silently to myself when I was the person was Nield. Of all the people, why must I be tortured with his presences? This boy was the same one who had "showed" me how to use the Force. He keep up his so called showing off in any class he could and would always put me down in a polite, but smudged way. The sad part was lightsaber class was the only subject he did better in, which could easily drive me into a furry.

He bowed deeply to all, even the masters in the back. Then, just to show off, he flurished his made up lightsaber by giving it a twist with his wrist to bring the stick to the starting position. He went through each move with a fine grace and crisp moves that brought out ohhs and ahhs from the crowed. I continued to growl underneath my breath. He slashed through the air, further pointing out his skill and leaving Roan's pitiful show drifting in the breeze of memory. He took a step forward and a step back, if showing not just moves, but how he would use the moves in a fight. I closed my eyes, unable to stand any more of his pride. A round of claps surrounded me. This was a short lived claps when the lightsaber teacher stepped forward. A hopeful, yet fearful hush came upon us.

"Thank you all for coming here today. I would like to give a special thank you to Master Mirmo and Master Cobral for coming in today and watching you all. Now, for the question you all are so obviously wondering: Did you pass?"

I nodded and leaned forward to hear the answer better.

"All of you have come a long way from when you first stepped into my class. You have learned how to grip and hold the lightsaber, the different angles, and what is the real story behind the sword. You all have been taught the importance of showing respect for your friend as well as your enemy and how to keep your emotions to yourself when fighting. Yet, you all are inexperienced, lacking the grace or speed that is a must in fights. You lack assurance in your moves and do not know what you can and can not do. You still fight with a day dream approach, thinking you will always win, always be more powerful. But, you all have shown me you have listened and practiced enough. There is room for improvement, more than just some for a few of your, but I am pleased to announced all of you will advanced to the next level in your education of the lightsaber."

Cheers broke out. Hugs were exchanges and pats were patted. We had passed. It was over. I had passed. I looked over my shoulder to Mirmo, who quietly nodded, but showed nothing more. I was sure he would have a few things to say about my demonstration, but for not that could wait. Both of us had agreed on that.

Talk broke out about how we did. We all were keenly aware of our mistakes, but also of the best moves. Strangely and surprising the students had agreed that both Nield and I were the best. I hated to be compared with that brat, but all the same, I could not imagine how I was picked among them. The students claimed that I looked most like I was using the movements like I was in a battle. I blushed and told them about the night before. I was given looks of approval, of jealous, and of fear. I had a master. They did not. What training I was getting, they didn't know. Now, they had seen a splinter of what Mirmo was teaching me and they wanted it too. I could not give them that and only cause more emotion so I left. I did not leave unhappy. This event had gone well. I was now one more step closer to becoming a Jedi knight.

A few days later, in the late evening when the whole temple had quieted down for sleep, I was still up, on the computer.

"Should not you be in bed?"

I hadn't heard the door open because I was listening to one of songs by Blink 182. I turned my attention to him, but when he opened his mouth to speak, I held up my hand to keep him silent as I listened to the song.

[iThis is the first (thing I remember)  
Now it's the last (thing left on my mind)  
Afraid of the dark (do you hear me whisper)  
An empty heart (replaced with paranoia)  
Where do we go (life's temporary)  
After we're gone (like new years resolutions)  
Why is this hard (do you recognize me)  
I know I'm wrong (but I can't help believing)

I'm so lost  
I'm barely here  
I wish I could explain myself  
But words escape me  
It's too late  
To save me  
You're too late  
You're too late

You're cold with disappointment  
While I'm drowning in the next room  
The last contagious victim of this plague between us  
I'm sick with apprehension  
I'm crippled from exhaustion  
And I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me

This is the first (thing I remember)  
Now it's the last (thing left on my mind)  
Afraid of the dark (do you hear me whisper)  
An empty heart (replaced with paranoia)  
Where do we go (life's temporary)  
After we're gone (like new years resolutions)  
Why is this hard (do you recognize me)  
I know I'm wrong (but I can't help believing) [/i

Master Mirmo tilted his head and studied me more carefully. I sniffed once and rubbed my nose. I wasn't crying, but my nose was running.

"Still clinging to your past?"

I nodded and then sniffed again, wishing I could get up to get my tissue box, but I was too tired to do so.

"The faster you let you, the faster you will heal. Listening to these songs may seem a good thing for it describes you perfectly, but the song only encourages you to hang onto memories that harm you."

I asked him why then did he make me show him my memories.

"That is a good question. Up until then, I still did not have a good idea as to what had happened to you or why you were "sick with apprehension" and "crippled from exhaustion" as that song goes, I believe. Now that I know, I know you do not need to wear them like your clothes. Leave them in the past and only visit them on occasion"

I sighed and quietly sniffed again. There was a moment of silence, each person keeping and thinking to themselves. A tinkling feeling was working in my nose. The feeling kept up until I gave a loud, strong sneeze that forced me into the back of my desk chair.

"Bless you. Are you getting sick? How are you feeling?"

I sniffed again, rubbing my dripping nose on my shirt sleeve, before telling him I was fine. I just had a bit of a runny nose. One sneeze didn't mean I was sick.

"But it is a warning sign of a cold coming. You are going to bed and getting some rest for your body. No arguments"

I gave him a slight glare, but went to bed. I would be fine. Tomorrow I would be bouncy and then attack him with a squirt gun for getting overly worried over nothing.

Unfortunately for me I was wrong when I woke up very early in the morning. My throat was a dry, sensitive desert that hurt each time I took a breath. I felt that there was some sort of endless fire going on back there that water would not put out or help. I groaned, painfully, as I got up from the bed to go to the refresher. My body ached and my movements showed the lack of energy the germs in me were eagerly sucking up. I barely got a tissue in time to catch the ooze coming from my nose. I blew hard, then again and still found myself sniffing. When I was done with relieving myself, I slowly dragged my sick body back to bed to sleep. Mirmo was not going to let me go anywhere except for the healer's office, so I might as well sleep in. There was a loud knock at the door a few hours later. I tried to talk and found no sound would come out. I gave a rough cough and tried again. I manage to whisper to the door for it to open.

"How are you feeling?"

I told him I was fine. At least, that is what I wanted to say.

"I am sorry. I think I heard 'I need to go to the healer's office'"

I glared at him and in cracked whispered, for that is all I could produce, I said that I just needed to sleep.

"I am having trouble making out what you're saying from the frog in your throat. I think you said you need to stay in bed with a healer looking after you"

I was about to shoot him another glare, but a violent cough took my attention away from him. Oh, this wasn't fair. Even my parents wouldn't have taken me to a doctor over a simple cold. In fact, I was sent to school several times running low fevers. I was touched by his caring, but he was going too far with this.

"Now, get up and come with me"

No. I was going to win this.

"Karen Nightingstar, this is an order. You are sick. You need medical attention. You need to go to a healer"

I didn't care this was an order. I wasn't going to get up. Just because I was sick and feeling horrible, didn't mean he could boss me around like a child. I was twenty one. By now, I should know my body and know what I needed. Our wills meet each other and clashed. I refused to back down. He refused to let me refuse an order.

"If you will not get up, then I shall bring a healer here"

Fine by me. Anyone could see this was a cold that would go away in a few days with a lot of sleep and food. If this would make him happy, then so be it. I was not going to get up.

"I will be back in a little bit. You are not to get up to get on the computer"

Gee, who did he think he was? He wasn't my father. He was my master, but we weren't that different in age. He was my teacher, but I was still an independent grown up and demanded to be treated like one. He wanted me to let go of my past and one way of doing that was not to remind me of my parents.

The healer came in, along with Mirmo. She had me sit up, describe how I felt, touched me with her hands and the Force and stood up.

"She is running a light fever, but there is nothing in her lungs. It looks like she had an ordinary cold. I would say sleep, lots of liquids, hot food, and a day off from classes should take care of this bug"

With that, I was given a pill to take my fever down and to help dry up my nose. The healer left Mirmo, who looked a bit disappointed that she had not agreed with how serious my condition was. He sighed and looked a bit uneasy. I croaked out a question of what was wrong with him.

"I am coming to terms with myself that I overacted with you. You know yourself best and I should have realized that. Sometimes with all your active personality, you can make yourself seem younger than you really are. I am sorry that I tried to demand something that was not reasonable. Will you forgiven me?"

I was taken back by this question. I was never apologized for being right at my home, unless I forced it out of my parents. My master looked so uncomfortable with what he had done, my heart softened and the rebellious state I had been in disappeared. I took a minute to let out a barking cough and then said I would, under one condition.

"And what is that?"

I wanted him to tell me a story. I wanted to know more about his past.

"What would you like to know about me?"

I thought for a moment and sniffed my still stuffy nose. I more or less knew how Mirmo became a Jedi, but I didn't know what he did as a Jedi for twelve years or even why he didn't take an apprentice for so long. I told him I wanted to know what it was like to get knighted.

"Well, it was not as grand as you would think. I was in Luke's second class that he ever taught. The first class was made up of all the masters you see now such as Kyp Durron, Corran Honrn, but he was known as Keiran halcyon back then, Mara Jade, Tionne, Kam Solusar , Kirana Ti, Streen to name a few. Luke increased the second class to twenty and I think spent a bit more time on us. I was told by the older students, we were lucky in that Luke was not making all the mistakes he had with the first group. I privately thought Luke was making plenty of mistakes, seeing how he felt more adventurous with trying out new training techniques. Still, the time we were promoted knights, we knew as much as the first class did.

Luke gathered all of us one day and looked at us each in the eye, studying our soul and power of the Force within us before announcing we were knighted by the power of the Force. It was such a quiet, solemn moment for each one of us. No one expected for this to happened that day, but we all knew in our hearts we were Jedi without a doubt. We were then asked how we would serve the galaxy as the duty of the Jedi is. A few has special talent in healing and had come in handy with all the lightsaber burns we received in practice. One decided to stay and continue to heal and teach at the academy. The other healers said they would use their talents on their planets. Some people wanted to go back to their home planet to look for more candidates for the order. Others wanted to go out and help fight the lingering battles of the New Republic against the old, losing Empire. I was still thinking when Luke turned to ask me. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Luke suggested that I go back to my home planet and see what help I could offer to the government. I agreed to his idea and made ready that same day.

I flew back to my home town to find it had not changed much. The stores were still there, the people still did the same activities, my aging parents still could barely pay the bills, yet everything seemed different. The usual talk seemed bland and quite ignorant of the truth. The people will ruder than ever, not caring if they drove away business. The buildings had a shabbier look, and I notice how poor some of the people really were. What I later came to realize it was not the town or the people that had changed, but myself. My time among the Jedi had broaden my knowledge of the galaxy. Things that I had been taught were proven wrong. I learned I had a very narrow view of the galaxy. I assumed everyone should shun me out and not bother to look at me. I expected very little conversation, or if there was, it would be nasty gossip. I realized this was how life worked in my town. This realization was more prominent when I came back to my town.

I had hoped that I could raise some awareness and support for the new Jedi order in my town, but that was a short lasting hope. The people grew more distant from me then when I first lived there. Even the bullies, who use to beat me up for fun, would not dare to approach me. They all feared me and what I stood for. By listening in a dark corner of many pubs, I learned they all feared me because of what the Emperor had done to the Jedi reputation. It seemed that the Emperor worked long and hard to show the old order in a horrible light, saying they stole young Jedi to train them as killers, making the young Jedi think they were protectors of the galaxy. The Emperor used this excuse to encourage the population to turn in any Jedi or families of Jedi the people knew of. In order to bring back the Jedi into the life of the galaxy, I knew I would first have to prove this image wrong by being an example, the true example of what a Jedi is.

My work was excruciatingly slow with many annoying set backs. I decided to show the people the Jedi were the protector of justice and peace by helping out the law enforcers. I could easily stop a thief, but when the police came to the scene, I was pushed away, without any credit or even a simple thank you, and told to mind my own business. I tracked murders and mysteries, but when I got close to solving or finding the guy that did it, the police strongly encouraged me to stop, before I was put in jail. The people of the town seemed to side with the police, reinforcing the negative idea of the Jedi. I had nearly lost all hope when a year went by and I still received glares or calls from people on the street. The money Luke gave me to get started was running low, and I was quite tempted to hire myself as a person bodyguard, but a Jedi does not get paid with credits for his work and I knew this all too well. I was running out of ideas of how to restore faith in the Jedi, when I spotted an old lady shouting angrily and waving her arms in the direction of a young man, zipping through the crowd, holding a black bag under his arm. I knew if I caught him, I would only be chided by the lady for interfering, but my Jedi sense would not let me ignore this call for help. I ran, using the Force to slow the man and cause him to trip, and pinned him to the ground. I bounded his hands and feet before returning to the old lady with her bag. I handed her the bag and turned around, about to quickly walk away from the scene before the police could find out what had happened. I felt a strong hand on my arm, stopping me from taking another step. I looked up to see the lady holding onto my arm, and tugging me closer to quietly say something to me that would change my life.

'Thank you, my young friend. It is good to see a fellow Jedi trying to restore order in a world of chaos,' "

"I was shocked, with my thoughts racing to see an old Jedi standing, holding my arm in the middle of the town square. I was dying to know why she was, how long she had lived here, who had trained her, and how she managed to avoid the Empire and its thorough searches to root out all the Jedi that still remained.

She smiled and slipped an arm underneath my, if to pretend she was an old, helpless lady, relying on her strong, grown up grandson to walk her down the streets to her little apartment. The apartment appeared to be a shabby, falling apart with the thin white wash peeling off, a nearly abandon shack, suggesting the idea she was broke poor and hardly worth the trouble to give her a second look, unless you were a desperate thief. I was wrong in unconsciously accepting this idea. Inside, the building was much larger then the look from the front and much richer. The walls were paint a deep, rich green, the carpet was thick and expensive, and the tables were hand carved, decorated with objects, obvious transported from other, far off planets.

The strange, small, seemingly fragile lady took me into the elaborate kitchen, and sat me down with a plate of food. She began her tale as I ate. Her master had been knighted during the Clone Wars, shortly before order 66 had been given, destroying everything she knew. It was by the will of the Force, did she manage, during a mission, to escape from the injustice mass killing of the Jedi. For several years she laid low, running from one planet to the next, as the Empire invaded the galaxy, taking control of all local governments. She found herself amongst the lowest of beings, learning the trick of living from seedy criminals, and trading heavily on the black market. Her Jedi training had little use in a universe that had no time or care for the Jedi and their powers. She found herself one day, many years into the dark rule of the Sith, stealing from some old lady, to gain a handful of credits. She was staring greedily at the credits in her hand, when she heard the distance, but distinct voice of her former master, scolding her for decending to a level that the Jedi were suppose to fight against. In that moment she realized she had forsaken all her training and the meaning of the Jedi and swore to turn herself around and bring back some good into her life and the life of others. Using the network of lowlife, she found a pocket of resisters and underground, undercover police. She slowly joined their numbers, showing she was above the life of crime, and used the Force in subtle ways that helped the group. Being a Jedi meant being a leader, and this was true with her. She did not only do her job, but also unit and strengthen the group, earning her trust and dedication. She revealed her true identity, bringing a mixture of emotions from the rebels, but when they had time to think, they realized having a Jedi was a good thing.

She was the leader of the group for years and years, until she could no longer physically be part of them. She grew tired of her life and her body was aging far too fast for her life style. The group came to notice this and arranged for her to live comfortably, but anonymous on my home planet. She gratefully accepted the offer and lived for a few years on my planet before she spotted me. She instantly recognized me to be Force sensitive, but on this hostile planet and my strained family, it was better to leave me alone and not attract attention to either one of us. It was painful for her to watch me be bullied and picked on a regular basis, but still there was nothing she could do. It was proud day when she saw Luke Sykwalker so boldly appear with a lightsaber at his belt, saving me. She knew nothing of him, but the fact the Jedi could once again walk freely and without fear, made her complete and at peace for the first time in over thirty years.

I had finished my meal and she had finished her tale of her past, answering my many questions. Her name it turned out was Liviani and she would not give out any last name for me to research. She knew of my mission and even of Luke's academy on Yavin 4. She saw me struggle to awkwardly try to gain support for the new Jedi order and knew there was no future in my direct path. Liviani offered to show me how to raise an unground group and how that would lead to helping out the planet. I was astounded by her generosity and humble accepted her offer.

Her plan took time and much tiring work, but within six months I had the stable beginning of a group dedicated at fighting crime, promoting peace, and changing the way the official law enforcers viewed their job. During this time I was learning a lot about the old Jedi order and what I was raising. In exchange of her stories, I supplied her with the history of Luke Skywalker and what few Jedi he had found. She was somewhat happy to learn a few of the Jedi had managed to live and she was even more pleased to find out many of the Force sensitive families had not been wiped out.

The town within a few years began to change as the children were being taught by example of the newly formed group I had started. The crime rate had dropped an evident amount. The attitude of the people was less hostile and people were more willing to help each other rather than spread harmful rumors. It was when these changes were obvious to the common towns person, did I let the group work out in the open for all to see. At first everyone was nervous about the situation, but the town saw the benefits and the group learned to listen to the town's requests. Talk spread and soon we were asked by the planet's government to from a world wide network of our small group and to spread the idea of peace. I was honored and Liviani was proud as could be. I worked with the government for another two years. The group did quite well and is still around today. The reason why I left was due to the death of Liviani. She died of old age, being the few of her generation of Jedi to do so. Her death touched me enough that I could no longer live on the planet and returned back to Luke's academy for another direction to take"

Mirmo was forced to stop his tale due to a heavily and long fit of cough coming from me. He patiently waited for me to stop, handing me a glass of water, and some medicine to take. I begged him to continue the story, wanting to know every detail up to the point I came to the temple, but he insisted that I get some rest and he get some food. I sighed, lying back in my bed, knowing I would just have to wait a while for the rest of his tale.

Mirmo came back in the evening after I had a few hours of sleep with a tray. He gave me a bowl of steaming hot broth, a tall cup of tea, and some medicine.

"I want the soup and the tea gone the time I am done with the rest of the story. No arguments."

I silently laughed at him. He was starting to know me well enough to forestall any complaining, whining, and excuses from me. I wasn't a bit soup eater and had no appetite, but the broth tasted something like chicken noodle, so I slowly blew on a spoonful of the stuff and then sipped it even slower. I watched over my spoon Mirmo settle in my desk chair, leaning back into the back support, and remember where he left off.

"The Jedi temple had not much changed after my five years of absent. Another generation of Jedi knights made recently been forged by the hands of Master Skywalker. I was given time to recover from my journey, morning for the grandmother like Liviani, and then asked to report back what I had accomplished. Luke and the first made knights were pleased, even impressed by my work on my home planet. Luke suggested that I should go off and search for an apprentice, but I polite refused. I was only twenty five at the time, which meant I was still young, full of energy, and not interested in taking the responsibility of another person, not to mention teaching them what little I knew. Luke did not argue with my judgment, but asked me to accompany a just made knight in his search for more students. When I asked why me, Luke said I knew more about the galaxy and how the people viewed the Jedi. I had more experience dealing with the coldness many people gave me and could offer support to the new knight. I thought about what Master Skywalker said and agreed with his logic. The galaxy was still a rough place for the new Jedi order.

The Jedi Knight that I was traveling with was named Jos. He was your age and with your spirit. He was a bit too much restless and reckless for my tastes, willing to dare too much, and overly confidently about his status as a Jedi. He felt that the moment he stepped out on the planet, he would be greeted with formal sayings and treated with utter respect. I said nothing about his flaws, knowing society would correct him. We flew a small ship, with minimum weapons on board, needed to defend ourselves, to show we did not mean harm to anyone. We picked the planet Naboo. We chose that planet for it's reputation of being out of the way and very peaceful.

We had no real idea of how to find a potential Jedi. All new Jedi were having problems seeking out students. We hoped that if we stayed long enough around the biggest and most known city, called Theed, we would luck out and find someone showing signs of being Force sensitive. Although our method worked, later in my adventures and missions, I would find out one can not rely on luck, or really chance, alone. It is better to consult the Force and read the subtle messages of its way.

It was on our third day of staying in the city did we come across a potential. Like all cities, big groups of people living together can attract many kinds of people such as the glorious rich, the slim of the poor, the strict business leaders, and the street performs. There were many street performs and out of the them was a strange circus tent set up in the corner of a busy street. There was a decent size crowd gathered around the tent. At the opening of the pavilion, was a teenage girl, probably sixteen, dressed in a colorful robe, back straight, eyes glazed over, obviously the center of attention. Jos and I quietly made our way to the edge of the crowd to learn what the fuss was. The girl claimed to be a magician, able to read the fortunes of anyone willing to pay her five credits. I instantly saw through this as another fake reader, taking advantage of the ignorance in people. I was ready to walk away when Jos held me back and had me wait out the girl's talk. The crowd had mixed feelings about the genuineness of her claim.

One large, powerful man, shouted at her, saying she was a liar. He claimed she was using her looks and a bit of cloth to lure the weak and stupid minds of old lady and young desperate girls. The teenage girl focused her clearing eyes on the rude man. The man laughed at her, with the crowd slowly joining in. I saw anger flash into her eyes before they cleared again and her glazed intensified. The man changed from a loud, vulgar laugh, to a senseless scream, kicking and struggling, as he rose ten centimeters off the ground. The crowd immediately stopped laughing and hushed in amazement. Some people ran away in fear, while others exclaimed their disbelief. Jos and I exchanged looks, agreeing we had found what we were looking for.

The man was abruptly dropped and landed with a thump. His face was a mask of fear, anger, and confusion, looking at the girl and then the crowd. He quickly left the area. The girl gave one last look over the crowd, one full of anger, and promptly turned around and stomped back into her tent. With the excitement being over, the crowd dispensed back to the streets, leaving Jos and I free to come forward to the entrance of the tent. As I leaned to the flaps of the door, I could hear the hard sobs of the girl. Jos moved the flaps to the side, showing the young woman crying in her arms, hunched over a table with a crystal ball on top. My heart broke at the sight of her. What had this society done to her, to force her to turn to a life of telling lies in order to feed herself? Why was it that every Force sensitive I met, including myself, struggled to survived, never to be truly happy? Why did people despise our type so much, as to shun us away?

Jos was the first to come over to her. She was crying so hard, she failed to hear him come in. She slightly jumped at his soft touch on her shoulder. I was touched, deeply to my core, how Jos managed to silently calm her down without using the Force. I came in when Jos began to introduce ourselves as Jedi. We spent the rest of the day with her, explaining what she was, why she could do telekinesis, and who we were and what we were about. The girl was utterly entranced by the idea of the Jedi and eagerly agreed to come to the temple to learn and study the way of the Jedi.

The girl turned out to be a fine Jedi and had completely changed from her previous life. The girl strangely enough wanted me to train her, but I declined her, saying she was better off with the kind Jos. Jos had been watching her for months during her training and was heavily debating to take her on. I would never forget the look that girl gave me, when she knew I would not take her. The look was so shockingly strong, I decided then I would never take an apprentice."

There was a moment of silence as I absorbed this. My poor master. He had done so much good, yet still could not do enough to satisfy everyone. I asked him what else he did during his years before training me.

"Well, that is another story for another time. You need to take your medicine and get some sleep."

I protested, saying I wasn't sleepy at all and really wanted to hear more.

"I am sure you would want to listen for days, if it meant avoiding a shot."

Oh no. Not a shot. I curled up into a ball, pulling the blankets around me, as if to protect myself from a needle.

"It is a sedative. It should keep your cough quiet during the night. Now, hold still"

Hold still meant keep quiet as he Force held my arm still and put the needle in. I shuddered as the drug went into my body. He rubbed my arm when he was done and waited patiently for the drug to do its job. The temptation of sleep came over me and I fell into a dreamless sleep.

How To Plan and Write a Chapter

This is not a chapter of the story, but an added bonus. Too many people claim I have a talent or some special gift for writing and I heavily disagree with this opinion. So, to prove you wrong, I am going to let you into my mind of how I came up with Mirmo's past, of the last four chapters and tricks I use.

In order to even start the tale, I need to get into the mind of Mirmo. It is very important that when you come up with a main character that the character has some strong, well defined and used features. They can hyper a lot, or angry, or not very emotional, but you need to portray this before you go into their past. It also helps a lot if the character has several features, which makes them unpredictable to a degree and keeps the reader interested. Use a character that is based off someone you know or someone you wish you knew. Mirmo is not based off anyone I know, but more like the master I would like. Make sure the character isn't perfect so the character can have a problem to deal with.

So, first I made myself think who Mirmo is. He is a serious, yet laid back man, who does not get angered easily, but can get emotional. He reserved around others that he doesn't know every well. He's very polite and formal with his talk, even around Karen, but he is willing to curse in a moment of short lived anger. He can make mistakes, and even had trouble admitting them. So the first question to ask is how would he tell a tale to Karen? Well, he would never use contractions and he would focus mostly on actions, but add in emotions, because he values emotions. He trys to leave out his opinions, or if he includes them, he notes them. He's not very good about details, but that's something I purposely did to keep the chapters from getting too long. Yet, if you think about it, most people never go much into details when telling a story.

Now I can think in Mirmo's mind and logic, but I need to think up a reason for him to tell the story. It's been chapter and chapters, or a few months in story time, since Karen got sick and it would be a good time to tell a story to a bored and sick person. Also, there was only one chapter explaining how Mirmo got to be a Jedi, but nothing about the twelve years of being a Jedi, so there is plenty of action to tell. Truth be told, I didn't mean for this tale to go on for three chapters, but I usually end up over planning and going into more detail.

Let's think about the general Star Wars plot. The Emperor, in the movies, did wipe out most of the Jedi and if you read the extended universe (EU) books, they make a point to tell how a few Jedi did survive, but the Jedi had a very hard time doing so. When Luke caused the Empire to fall, the galaxy had enough on their hands to not have time to try to find any alive Jedi or care for any Force sensitives. In the real world of Earth, it is easy to see that anyone who is considered weird or unusual, gets ignored, picked on, or taken advantaged. So, I imagine that even without having to lookout for people trying to kill you because you have some power no one will talk about, you still don't want to advertise yourself. So, trying to start an order of Jedi would be very hard indeed, as you can see for Mirmo.

Using this notion means I have an easy outline to write about: Mirmo struggling to gain respect and support for who he is. Writing about a struggle is easy. It's a problem. It has to be thought out, plans or ideas formed, ideas to be tested and improved upon, results to be observed, and feelings about the whole process to explain. A good story will have several struggles or problems to work on all going on at the same time.

It helps me that I run a site and very much know how hard it is to start a project like starting an order, and how you have to learn to advertise to the right people, in the right manner. I made a lot of mistakes and used these mistakes to write in my story. I've also helped a lot of other site managers get their site up and have found a common trend that people want to boldly and rudely advertise their site. So, I used that trend with Mirmo. Another tip, if you haven't figured out already is to use examples from your life, even if they don't directly relate to the story. It makes writing a lot easier, for you can put details that help readers relate.

There were two ways I could of told the forth chapter in the mini tale. I could have focused on just one more tale, or explain a whole bunch of short little missions Mirmo went on. I was actually thinking of doing mostly one tale and then mentioning a few ones, but I decided I could save these other tales for another time, plus I hadn't thought up any more stories to tell.

Now, most of you have told me that you hate cliff hangers, but what you don't know is I hate them far more than you do. It means I have to put up with your complaints and then keep the energy that was building up, stable or reach the climax. Climaxes aren't easy things to write if you want to impress your readers. The climax is when you want to put the most detail, the most emotion, and the most action in that part if you want to fully engage your readers. You need to be really careful about tying up all the ends, and chose words carefully to get the most impact. You also can't have a very long climax, or the readers will get impatient. Then, after the climax, you can't let yourself get lazy and have a quick ending. You need to leave the readers with a completed feeling, but the ending doesn't have to be happy. I messed up a little bit, by trying to rush the completed feeling because I didn't want to think anymore. That was a sign I should have taken a break and not tried to do in one sitting. But, this is only a draft and not meant to get published.

The last thing that a writer needs to think about is the wording. Thinking up the problem he solution, the character, the climax and ending isn't enough to tell a good tale. You need to think what to say. You don't need to be the best speller. That's why there is word. If spelling was my blocker, which is was for a number of years, I would have never written this story. I have found to be good and synonyms tool to be my life saver. My speaking vocabulary isn't great, but my reading vocabulary makes up for that lost. If I can think up the word and give it my shot at spelling the word, usually I'll get it. A broad vocabulary is what made my story good. I have learned to not use the same word twice in one sentence if I can help it. I've learned to not use "it", but to define what it is very clearly. Grammar is important. Learn to use commas. Don't repeat the same type of sentence over and over. An example of a type of sentence is "She walked in, sat down, and said" Twist the sentence around like "As entered the room, she looked for a chair to explain her thoughts." Try to stay away from using "and" a lot.

Details are everything. Always question what the character is thinking, doing, feeling, wearing, seeing, and all other senses. Don't just say she walked into the kitchen and sat down and said – Explain what the kitchen looked like, what was in the kitchen, was something cooking, why did she come into the kitchen, who was in the kitchen and was there anything noticeable about the other person. What did she feel when she walked in and how did she emotional react to the new person. What thoughts were going through her mind? You need to answer all these things and more when you write about a simple action. You are painting a picture that only you can see. Don't use vague words like "a lot, sort of, thing, a while, or object" These words are a sign of laziness on the writer's part and won't show a clear picture. The readers have to use your words to see the picture, so it is important to add as much detail as possible.

For now, that's all I have to say about writing a chapter or a story. I hope this helps you understand the "secret" behind my success. Thanks for reading this and enjoy the rest of the story.

Days later, I returned to full health and back to classes. In the lightsaber class we were given lightsabers for the first time ever. We went through the basic moves, now with a lightsaber and started on simple sparring patterns, using the moves we had been tested on. When we fought each other, we had to switch back to the wooden sticks, to keep us from doing serious harm, as if the hundreds of bruises everyone received weren't serious enough. What made the lessons even harder was my concentration was being spilt between the teacher and Roan.

The problem with Roan was I had a crush on him. I felt rather silly, acting like a school girl, staring at the most popular guy in school, wishing the guy would turn around and see me during lunch, but I couldn't help myself. Roan, as girls said on my planet, was hot and there was no denying that fact. His body was trim, his hair was clean and had a certain eye catching wave. His clothes, the same as everyone's, managed to show off his muscles. Days after the lightsaber test, I fought extremely hard to hide my feelings for him, but both my master and my best friend Lyn pointed out my blushing. Master Mirmo was the first to notice and comment on my crush during the mid day meal.

"So, my distracted apprentice, which do you think is hotter, your meal in front of you or that young man you have spent the last twenty minutes endlessly staring at when you think I am not looking?"

I looked away from Roan, who was sitting with a group of guys busying joking and eating their food, to glance at my cold meat and half eaten fruit. I turned pink with embarrassment and informed Mirmo that I wasn't hungry. Somehow, I found looking at one of the cutest, most popular guys in the academy took away all my interest in food. Mirmo gave me a funny look and sighed.

"I would like to lecture you on the importance of men, love, and how that affects your Jedi training, but seeing how I went through my own daydream dates, I can not quite bring myself to look you in the eye, as I recite my thoughts to you."

This comment brought a grin to my face. For once, I had won at Mirmo's own argument without even having to say a thing. I picked up my fork with pride at my victory and ate the rest of my lunch. Mirmo stayed quiet, but I noticed he seemed distance, as if remembering the past. I did not inquire what was going through his mind, knowing if he wanted to tell me, he would of.

Later that day I was walking with Lyn, going to my room to give her another art lesson. She had practice what I had taught weeks before, and had shown progress. I was going to teach her how to draw the body of a horse, an animal she had never heard of, but when she saw my drawings of them, she instantly fell in love with the animal and nagged me for days to teach her how to draw one. I had spotted Roan, walking alone towards us, and stopped dead in my tracks. Lyn walked a few steps, saying something and then stopped, looked back at me, looked at who I was staring at, and giggled. I was locked on Roan as he continued his path. He seemed to finally notice me and gave a polite nod of the head. Speechless, I stood still, shocked and unable to move. My eyes followed him as he walked down the hall and turned a corner. Lyn's giggles grew louder and less suppressed, bringing my attention back to her.

"Ohh, someone has a lover boy"

Once again I blushed red. Lyn was loving this much more than the serious Master Mirmo. Her eyes were wide and wild, gleaming with excitement. I could tell she found guys interesting, and the fact that I had picked the most popular young Jedi here, made it all the better. Well, I wasn't going to give her any gossip. I took a deep breathe, staring at a near by all, sending all my emotions out of my body and opening myself to the peace and silence of the temple. When I was sure that I could sound and act normal, I fixed a steady, determined look on my face and asked Lyn if she wanted to head to my room.

"Sure, but how long have you felt about him? Isn't his name Roan or something? Isn't he in your class? Does your master know about your feelings towards him? Have you talked to Roan?"

We were at the door to my room, when I stopped and looked up at her in surprise. I had underestimated her already. She wasn't going to let this slip by her. I sighed, being reminded a bit of my master and tried to answer her questions. I had started to notice Roan right before the lightsaber test, but for some unknown reason, he really caught my eye when he walked through the students. He seemed so nice and so mature, that I was attracted to him. Mirmo seemed to not mind my crush, but I could tell Mirmo would not let this go far if it interfered with my training. So far, Roan hadn't noticed me, aside from the rare times he walked past me and had the manners to notice me as a person, but my skills at the Force told me that Roan saw no interest in me. I argued that this was because he didn't know me and if I made the first effort, he would see I was worth getting to know.

"Oh, I could see you two together. You two would make such a cute couple!"

I grinned and to my horror, a girly giggle escaped my throat. Lyn's grin grew bigger and I wondered how fast it would take for the other girls to find out about this and spread gossip. I was going to have be careful to prevent rumors starting too early until I had made my moves.


End file.
